NORTH KOREAN HACKERS FORCE CHURCH TO CANCEL RELEASE OF “JOHNNY LINGO” SEQUEL

Salt Lake City, UT—Devastated by the recent cyber-attacks, the release of sensitive church documents, and threat of terrorist violence, the Church has decided to cancel the highly anticipated release of Johnny Lingo II: Johnny and Mahana’s Son Baptizes, Marries Kim Jong-un’s Favorite Daughter.

“It has been a difficult two weeks at Church headquarters,” said one unnamed source.  That source explained that “we thought it was bad enough when hackers released President Monson’s confidential email complaints that ‘some of those 85 widows could be pretty cranky’ and that he ‘would be shocked if a few could claw their way into the terrestrial kingdom.’”

Hackers have also taken advantage of their unfettered access to church computers to release confidential church plans. Those previously confidential plans include the move to a 2 hour Sunday meeting block, plans to team up with Victoria’s Secret to redesign women’s garments, and plans to eliminate “the church’s main source of priestcraft—the Church Education System.” Also released was President Oaks’ April 2024 General Conference talk explaining why the Lord lifted the Priesthood ban on all worthy members.

Sources indicate that it was various threats that forced the church to pull Johnny Lingo II. “The movie is meant to be both funny and a way to reach out to North Korea” said another unnamed source, “but apparently Brother Un saw it as what we would call ‘loud laughter.’” The North Koreans threatened to “poison your funeral potatoes,” to “assign the weirdest ward members to be your home teachers,” and to “convince Mitt to run again” if the movie was distributed as planned. 

The main complaints seem to be that the movie depicts a chipper, moderately attractive Polynesian Mormon trying, in the words of the North Koreans, “first to waterboard the Supreme Leader’s daughter” and then to “make her his Eternal Companion in a ceremony that the Protector of the People could not attend.” 

Editorial Note: The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, always a deeply affectionate lover of the peace and joy and freedom and limitless food for everyone that the Supreme Highest Super-Dee-Dooper Leader has brought to his happy land while all of other suffers from the greedy capitalist pigs would just like to say please do not hack us. Remember, we said it first—Un is SOME Great Guy!”

CHURCH USES “U2 STRATEGY”—LOADS TRANSLATION OF SEALED PORTION OF BOOK OF MORMON ONTO EVERY APPLE DEVICE

By Clyde Ward

U2 may be influencing General Authority Eyewear as Well

Salt Lake City, UT—The Church has used what marketing experts now call the “U2 Strategy,” loading a brand new translation of the previously unreleased sealed portion of the Book of Mormon onto every Apple electronic device in the world.

“We had this newly revealed translation,” said Church spokesperson Daniela Burns, “and, as a gift to everyone, we wanted to make it immediately available everywhere.” Burns continued that the result has been that “unfortunately people are focused on how it got there instead of actually reading the book.”

Indeed, even within Church headquarters there was reportedly substantial debate about what to do with the translation. Unnamed sources told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that some wanted to release it during the April 2015 General Conference. Others suggested that it be given first to Mormons with too much time on their hands and/or who complain about the Church a lot by posting it on the Bloggernacle. Ultimately the decision was made to employ “the U2 Stretegy.”

The strategy has not been free of controversy. Unnamed Church insiders note that, like the U2 album, many have been perplexed as to how it got there and how to get rid of it. “Let’s face it,” said one internal email, “finding that U2 album on your device and then trying to get rid of it is like a herpes outbreak! And that is not a good association for the Church!”

Other Church leaders voiced similar complaints. Said another internal message in part, “U2’s Songs of Innocence is a desperate ploy by a group that peaked at Joshua Tree or Unforgettable Fire, and while we can live with Auchtung Baby, every [redacted] song after that should be on one album called Unforgivable Fiasco.” Such internal communication not only reveals the level of disagreement about the policy but a preponderance of painfully strained wordplay in the Church’s upper echelons.

To combat the Mormon Church’s recent proselyting moves, Pope Francis announced that the Catholic Church will be loading the recently discovered Revelations of Saint Peter on all Android devices. Early reports indicate that this collection of revelations includes an account of “who shot JFK, what happened to Malaysian flight 115, and how The Walking Dead will end.”

Southern Baptists are scrambling to reply to the technological-theological contest, but so far all they have are John Spilsbury’s previously unknown 1638 prophesy about “a toothless panther, a flightless eagle, an unholy saint, and a unarmed pirate” competing for a prize they don’t deserve, clearly foreseeing the National Football League’s 2014 NFC South.

CHURCH ANNOUNCES “APOSTLEMINGLE” DATING WEBSITE

Salt Lake City, UT—Over the weekend the church announced a new dating website that will allow church members and those of the Quorum of the Twelve the opportunity to take “one more chance on love.” As some apostles and other church leaders are now, sadly, bereft of their eternal companions, ApostleMingle offers members the possibility that, as the tagline says, “You can be his second perfect match.”

“We are very excited about the prospect of helping great church leaders use the social media tools that the Lord has provided in these latter days to make a love connection,” said Church spokesman Michael Otterson. When reporters noted that currently the website could only feature Elder Scott’s profile, Otterson said that “‘apostle’ should be understood in a broader sense,” with Otterson adding that “it will include those who easily could be Apostles, such as Seventys.”  He went on to explain that “over time we will even expand the pool to include some righteous and dignified stake presidents, you know, if the supply does not meet the demand.”

Members who have been able to see an early version of the website expressed their enthusiasm for the project. One early user, Glenda Bernard from Ephraim, Utah, said, “I will admit that I would not mind at all if one of those fine leaders showed up at my home as a respectful, gentleman caller! I can just imagine us having a pleasant visit, just the two of us on my delightful floral-patterned couch.” A clearly excited sister Bernard then added, “I might even take the plastic cover off!” 

The obvious question on everyone’s mind was President Monson’s profile. On this topic Otterson said, “well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that if President Monson, who has the most popular profile on ApostleMingle, could find a second eternal companion, our collective hearts would be warmed and our eyes would be moist.” 

AREA COUPLE EXHIBITS FIRST SIGN OF UNAVOIDABLE MARITAL COLLAPSE: HANGER STEALING

so much depends upon a red hanger

SCARSDALE, NY—In a move that therapists, bishops, and divorced peoples who have “been there” recognize as the first sign of unavoidable marital collapse, Brandon and Ashley Yancey have begun stealing and hording that most precious of home resources: hangers. Brandon, who seems to still be blissfully happy with his wife of only ten months, recently confided in his “buddy Troy” that “I hardly get my shirt off of the hanger and next thing I know it ends up in Ashley’s two-thirds of the closet!” Brandon elaborated that “I swear I had a red hanger that my tan pants were on, and now I think she’s using it to hang up some old EFY shirt.”

Years of research supported by the experiences of professionals and ecclesiastical leaders demonstrates irrevocably that though Brandon and Ashley may stay married for several years and even have children, the conflict over hangers is the first step in an inevitable process that starts with suspicion, silent recrimination, and disappointment and finally leads to anger, resentment, fear, and the absurd insistance that “you said when we were dating that you liked wire hangers!” As research by Delong, Esler, Geyer, and Rudd in an article in the most recent issue of the Journal of Marital Dissolution about “LDS Divorce Patterns” clarifies, “what starts as hanger hoarding and fights over whose mini temple suitcase gets the best closet location soon escalates to conflicts over wainscoting and car colors that sets the unalterable course to the final cancellation of temple blessings.”

Marriage and Family therapist Maya Sparber says that she “has tried to work with many couples like Brandon and Ashley” only to find that such work is invariably fruitless. “What I find so heartbreaking about this,” explained Sparber “is that it does not even occurred to Brandon or Ashley, since each is internally and silently convinced that the other is now clearly evil, that they actually have the time, resources, and skills to just go buy more **** hangers!” 

CHURCH WINS CONTROL OF KEY BLOGGERNACLE BLOGS AFTER HIGH STAKES POKER MATCH

Salt Lake City, UT—Reports from highly placed sources indicate that the Church has won control of several key “Bloggernacle” blogs as a result of a recent high stakes poker match between “church officials” and representatives from those blogs. Church members and readers should expect to see changes in those blogs within a matter of weeks as a result of the takeover.

Sources note that key people from many “Bloggernacle” sites were initially invited to a meeting “wherein they might share concerns with the Brethren.” It was during the course of that meeting that bloggers were unexpectedly offered the chance to change any church policy immediately if they won the poker match or face losing control of their blog if they lost. Reports indicate that all of the bloggers lost.

“We were completely unprepared,” said representatives from By Common Consent and Times and Seasons. “None of us had played much poker, and Elder [name redacted but that of a European, tulip-ridden country] and Elder [name redacted but might be the son of the roguish, otherwise solitude-loving iceman who helps Anna in Frozen] cleaned up!” The blogger continued, “I thought by the time we were done we’d see some major church policy changes, but no way. In fact, for the next three months our blogs will be nothing but Mormon Messages and Young Women in Excellence program ideas.”

Those bloggers were not the only ones surprised and left without control of their blog. Bloggers from Feminist Mormon Housewives, Segullah, and Faith-Promoting Rumor said that “we were doing all right at the start, I mean, we had not really lost too much, but then they started discussing their conference talks and we started really losing.” When asked what the church officials were saying, bloggers explained that “one would mention something like ‘stay in the boat and hold on’ and all of them would increase their bets, or one might say ‘Is it I’ or simply ‘Stop It’ and they would fold at just the right time.” Added those bloggers, “I think that they might have been working together!”

Besides those blogs, others were also taken over by the church as a result of their poor poker performance. Two bloggers from Rational Faiths, possibly related, fought rather bitterly as they started to lose, with one saying, “how hard can this be, I mean, it isn’t surgery!” Final control of their blog was lost to a church official who is not only, apparently, a poker expert but who also happens to be a surgeon.

The match started especially awkwardly for several bloggers whose only poker experience was “from girls’ camp, scout camp, youth conference, or EFY.” As they started to loose, bloggers from Approaching Justice, Modern Mormon Men, Sistas in Zion, and Zelophehad’s Daughters started to take off articles of clothing. They had to be told that “this wasn’t that kind of poker.”

When asked if the church planned on taking over the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, the Bunyion, or the Squirrel, Elder [name redacted but may indicate an affinity for the culinary arts] said, “do people actually read those blogs?” 

The only blog to not lose control to the church was Ordain Women, since they were not allowed into the meeting. 

If any blogs or “unnamed sources” would like to explain who they lost to in the poker match and/or how they lost, feel free to add that in the comments.