MITT ROMNEY DELIVERS STATE OF OUR UNION ADDRESS TO WIFE

Romney in his modest La Jolla living room

LA JOLLA, CA—Clearly still trying to adjust after the personal devastation of his loss to President Obama, last Tuesday evening two-time GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney addressed his State of Our Union address to his wife Ann. 

Speaking of the address, Romney reported that “I had planned on speaking to the entire country, set to reassure the nation of a bright future put in place by the noble work of the men and women who came before us, but Ann said she was really too tired for the whole 45 minute version, so I had to condense it to 8.” Though disappointed that the address was not carried live by the major networks or even CSPAN, Romney said that the was hopeful it would be rebroadcasted by “FoxNews, Univison, and a Florida cable access channel called Hair Today.”

No transcripts of the speech have yet been released, but there has been some news coverage of the address. In addition to Ann Romney and the Romney’s Irish Setter Seamus III, a journalism intern, Steven Cannon, from an Idaho newspaper was also in attendance. In his article for Malad City’s Tea Party Truther newspaper, Cannon reported that even without the “show of lights and cameras, the crush of reporters,” Romney still conveyed the “innate authority” of a man who “possesses both a presidential bearing and a podium with teleprompters in his living room.” According to Cannon, Romney “spoke with his usual charm, power, and wisdom about strengthening America’s place in the world, restoring the dignity of everyday Americans through work instead of welfare, and his unwavering commitment to double checking the grocery list after forgetting the milk 3 weeks in a row.”

Cannon also noted that other topics addressed included the threats posed by Putin’s expansionist policies, domestic energy self-sufficiency, and expanded resources and investments in strategic matrimonial “cuddle time.” 

AREA PARENTS INADVERTENTLY START BIDDING WAR FOR SON’S FIRST KISS

MESA, AZ—What began as something that Barbara and David Billings thought would be a great idea to encourage their son Corey to avoid physical intimacy during adolescence has become quite a conflict for the LDS couple. “When I saw the article in the Deseret News about the Mormon woman who paid her son $10,000 to save his first kiss until he was 18,” said Barbara, “I thought that this would work great with Corey.” David Billings agreed with his wife, but since Brother Billings works for the Church Education System, both agreed that they could not afford the $10,000 incentive. “After thinking and praying about it, we felt that $28.50 was really a much more reasonable reward and prize.” Little did the Billings know that their incentive would lead to a bidding war with Corey’s girlfriend Lindsey Stallings.

“When I heard that Corey’s parents were going to pay him to not kiss me, I thought, ‘well, two can play at this game!’” responded Stallings. Stallings immediately countered with an offer of $35.00 for the soon-to-be 17 year-olds to kiss. Explained Corey Billings, “Lindsey had this really cute, sort of sly smile when she told me she’d pay me more than my parents offered.” Corey went on to say, “she even said she’d throw in something she called a ’10 dollar tongue bonus.’ I still get a little short of breath when I think of it” said Billings. 

As the bidding war has escalated, the Billings have been forced to offer more and more money, with Stallings eventually pushing them to $116.75 and a 50% reduction of Corey’s chores. It is at this point that the bidding war has taken a new turn, as the Billings have made it clear that this is their last offer. “I told Lindsey what they said,” reported Corey, “and she said that maybe I should just take them up on it.” Corey reported his disappointment with Lindsey’s sudden concession, that is until, according to Corey, “she got that sly smile again and said, ‘take the money and we won’t kiss; maybe we’ll just get naked and see what happens instead.’” Corey has not yet relayed Lindsey’s “counter-offer” to his parents.

Corey’s sister Kaitlyn has also been given the same incentive as her brother. For her part, Kaitlyn Billings, who is both very bright and quite sarcastic, responded to her parents: “gee Mom and Dad, let’s monetize my sexuality—how could that go wrong!?”

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO GREAT CHURCH TALKS

In addition to the below infographic, please consult Shawn Rapier!

CHURCH PILOT PROGRAM ALLOWS MEMBERS TO SUPERSIZE SACRAMENT

New Supersize Sacrament Cups

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Reports out of Salt Lake City confirm that the church is currently piloting a program that will allow members to supersize the bread and water that they take as part of their sacrament meeting worship.

David Carlson, who oversees the program, wrote in a confidential memo obtained by the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that “the supersize option seems to speak about food and religion in a way that many saints are very accustomed to.” Calrson noted that “as predicted, states like Mississippi seem particularly pleased with the 64 ounce water and full loaf of bread.” Another target market that responded well, according to Carlson’s memo, is Louisville, Kentucky. Carlson explained that, “given that Louisville is the home to Yum! Brands, whose restaurants include Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and KFC, the supersized sacrament is a perfect fit!”

The pilot program has had one key obstacle. Carlson noted that the extra large portion of bread has been widely accepted, but, apparently, “the water aspect of the program has met with opposition in New York City, where those associated with former mayor Bloomberg see large drinks as a slippery slope into excessive soda consumption.” 

“I’m excited about this step,” noted Carlson, who concluded his memo with: “I think that this will help members really embrace this sacred moment (or moments now!), and I also think it will mean better bread, not just a little piece of freezer burnt crust from a half-forgotten bag frantically thawed in the car ride over to the chapel”