10 HEADLINES FROM THE APRIL 2013 GENERAL CONFERENCE

10 THINGS YOU LIKELY WILL NOT HEAR AT GENERAL CONFERENCE

“GREAT AND SPACIOUS BLOGGING” SITE ALLOWS LDS LIBERALS, CONSERVATIVES CHANCE TO MOCK, POINT FINGERS AT “MOST MORMONS”

SILICON VALLEY, CA—“Great and Spacious Blogging” is the name of a new blog that allows extreme LDS radicals and conservatives to mock and point fingers at what they consistently call “most Mormons.” Permanent bloggers include disgruntled former BYU professors, University of Utah faculty, and East Coast liberals as well as Idaho survivalists, Anti-Anti Nephi-Lehis (who oppose immigration), and small right-wing paramilitary groups like One Mighty and Strong and the National Righteousness Association.

While the blog features writers with diametrically opposed views, they share a common disdain for “those cow-like, dim-witted, and über-complacent Sunday pew sitters who think that having faith, keeping the commandments, and doing your best is enough.” 

The blog includes a series called “Why all is Not Well in Zion.” This series recently featured posts about how smart, righteous women must wear pants to church as well as how faithful, righteous saints must shun the evils of pants. Both posts made it clear that one’s intelligence and righteousness were contingent upon these actions. Additional posts chided saints for not being able to “Help your Child find that special Gay Life-Partner” or for not “Helping Your Gay Children Experience Sufficient Shame.” 

The blog also features a number of counters. Liberal counters include “How Many Times Boys Commit the Sin of Calling Modest Girls Pure and Attractive,” “Estimated Days Until the Saints are Righteous Enough for God to Give Women the Priesthood and Allow Gays to Marry in the Temple,” and “The Number Of Reasons Why A Critical Faith Is Essential For Salvation.” Counters for conservatives include “Number of Times Something in the World Offends My Spirit,” “Estimated Days until the Saints Are Righteous Enough for God to Restore Mandatory Polygamy,” and “The Number Of Reasons Why Faith In The Second Amendment Is Essential For Salvation.”

One blogger, known as “Ordain Pets Now!” said that, “when someone doesn’t see things correctly, I naturally explain to that poor soul that they have a confirmation bias.” Another blogger, “McConkie’s 700 Deadly Heresies” also noted that “those who should also be ashamed of not seeing things correctly are the willfully blind caught in the mists of darkness deeper than Salt Lake City fog.” Most bloggers say that those who are too cowardly to think like them are too afraid of new ideas or “cognitive dissonance.” Such “weaklings should experience shame that gets them to see things my way.”  

Permanent Bloggers known as “Heavenly Mother Loves Judith Butler” and “It Should be Called Evilution” have both created manifestos that conclude in the same way: “We will not rest until every seemingly content saint, drunk on the fruit that is a failure to understand what is really important, is anxiously engaged in the correct cause—mine!” None of the “most Mormons” could be reached for comment, as they were putting kids to bed, trying to fit in some scripture study time, or having a real life instead of reading blogs. 

TRANSCRIPT OF RECENT “LEAGUE OF DEVOTED SCHOLARS” CONFERENCE PRESENTATION

• Presenter stands
• Computer desktop visible on screen
• Audience member smugly congratulates herself on having a much more organized desktop
• Presenter brings up PowerPoint set-up screen revealing slides with lots and lots of quotes
• Audience member sitting one row in front of previously mentioned audience member quietly asks God to kill audience member now
• Presenter begins with quote from Asian religious text to appeal to LDS crypto-Buddhist scholar from Texas in audience
• LDS crypto-Buddhist scholar from Texas in audience successfully appealed to
• Presenter reads presentation in fervent yet friendly manner that makes words seem like waxy chocolate
• Presenter quotes, more or less successfully, Slavoj Žižek
• Graduate student audience member with ADD ponders Slavoj Žižek, wishes he had those funky squished v things in his name, wishes he at least had those little two dots things in his name, notes how two dots look like textual nostrils, chides himself for not bringing nose hair trimmers, envies how squirrels don’t need nose hair trimmers, mentally remarks to self how ten thousand squirrels in ten thousand years probably could not write The Book of Daniel, concludes that if Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had had a fourth friend his name should have been Žižek, realizes he now has a dissertation topic
• Presenter acknowledges that audience can read quote on slide
• Presenter reads quote on slide
• Presenter begins to build solid argument based on good evidence
• Graduate student audience member feels envious, distraught, and worried, and for the third time today fervently begs God to let him go back to BYU to teach, affectionately thinking of the institution not unlike “the mother ship”
• BYU faculty member seated two rows behind above mentioned audience member compares current job to manure-like misspelling of “ship”
• Presenter makes weak tangential argument to appeal to Feminists
• Feminists in audience feel equal parts offense and forgiveness
• Presenter remembers how glad presenter is about not mentioning Heidegger, as that might cause some to really pay attention
• Presenter again mentions Žižek
• Untenured audience member conflates Žižek, Isaiah, The Cloud of Unknowing, and Eagle Scout project, triggering mild panic attack
• Presenter brings together argument via reason and insight that is clearly the result of hard-work, passion, and commitment
• Audience member, establish scholar whose last name may indicate ancestry with ornithological associations, experiences relief that careful attention has been rewarded and prepares to, as is audience member’s custom, generously encourage presenter
• Audience member with ADD changes dissertation title from “Žižek in Slow Motion: Land of the Lost and the embodiment of Evil in the Sleestaks” to just “Žižek’s Sleestaks” or maybe something about Battlestar Galactica before wondering what is for lunch 
• Presenter concludes to customary tepid courtesy applause
• Presenter equally horrified by prospects of no questions during question and answer period (indicating no one cared or it was so bad no one knows what to say) and any questions during question and answer period (as this would mean presenter may have to answer questions)
• Fellow presenter wonders how to ask question that is generous and insightful, making connections with fellow presenter's presentation, while not being self-serving.  Formulation of this question is the most difficult thing fellow presenter will do all day
• Session ends
• Presenter and audience mingle and chat with the casual nonchalance of sixth graders at their first dance 

SPIRIT WORLD NICKNAMES

Add your nicknames in the comments.

BYUTV GETS EXCLUSIVE TELEVISION COVERAGE RIGHTS OF THE SECOND COMING

The Revelation Will be televised

PROVO, UT—BYUTV director Daniel Clark announced today that they had secured exclusive television coverage rights for the Second Coming. Clark stated that “it had been a priority for us to secure these rights, second only to the rights to Hugh Nibley’s talks and, of course, all of the BYU football games.”

Clark offered a few details about how they planned to cover the triumphal return. He explained, “we have cameras on the ready in many, many key locations.”  Clark outlined how crews are “on the ready 24-7” to get reaction shots from the First Presidency, key world leaders, and “some Miamaids from Bountiful, Utah who will be‘TOTALLY OMG BLOWN AWAY!’”

Clark also mentioned that cameras were prepared near downtown Las Vegas, San Francisco, the University of Utah, and Harry Reid’s office “just to capture the anguished weeping as well as the desperate gnashing of teeth of the wicked.” When questioned about the comments, Clark clarified that it was not “anyone in specific, just, you know, any random super wicked people who might be in the vicinity.”

When asked about the crews themselves, Clark affirmed that “of course we have our elite camera people in key roles.”  Clark elaborated that the “Red-Robe-as-if-stained-by-Lots-of-Grape-Juice group is our most important.”  “We have to have our best people,” stated Clark, “for this crew.  We cannot afford to lose a camera because someone had had Dr. Pepper in the last year or who paid tithing on the net instead of the gross.”  

STAKE PRESIDENT THREATENS TO REVOKE WARD’S “TRUE AND LIVING” STATUS

COLUMBUS, OH—Speaking at the ward conference of the Columbus, Ohio 12^th ward, Stake President Gabe Paulsen called upon members to repent or the ward would lose its “True & Living” status. President Paulsen said that the ward’s 9% home teaching rate “was on the low side,” but that the 87% visiting teaching rate was “far below the Lord’s standard.”

President Paulsen enumerated other factors that threatened to reduce the ward to the probationary “Plausible & Not Quite Dead Yet” status. “This ward is not failing in all aspects,” explained President Paulsen. “Yes, 87% of the high priests slept through their group meeting and 38% of the Gospel Doctrine lesson came from the blog “Philosophies of Men Spiced up with Scripture,” he noted, “but it is the measly 59% of Young Women lessons that dealt with the specifics of modesty that really shows this ward’s steady slide into iniquity.” 

Some visiting leaders from the stake noted that the discrepancies that President Paulsen mentioned, including a “lack of enthusiasm on the part of the Sharing Time chorister,” involved only the sisters in the 12^th ward.  Sources close to President Paulsen quietly clarified that “the sisters are really the only spiritual ones,” adding that “if the men just show up, we call it good.” 

Before leaving the ward, President Paulsen reminded them of what this drop in status might mean.  “We all know what happened to the former 8^th Ward,” said President Paulsen ominously, “and none of us, I mean none of us, wants to end up a Presbyterian!”    

RECENTLY DECEASED AREA MAN FINDS SPIRIT WORLD IS TWO LONG LINES OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HUG OR PUNCH HIM

SPIRIT WORLD—David Holiday, recently deceased latter-day saint and former member of the Portland Oregon 3^rd Stake Presidency, has found that thus far his experience of the Spirit World is mostly two almost endless lines of people who either want to hug him or punch him.

“Yah, I mean I was pretty surprised when I got here,” reported brother Holiday, “since the first thing that happened to me was some guy punched me about 4 times in the stomach and head.”  Brother Holiday explained that “it turned out that it was Dan [Peters], our old next-door neighbor, and let me tell you, he was pretty upset that I had never mentioned the gospel or even given him a pass along card.” 

Brother Holiday was equally surprised at what happened next: “this really nice lady threw her arms around me so tightly, and she was just shaking with tears of joy and gratitude.”  “When I could finally pull away a bit, I realized that I had no idea who she was,” explained Holiday.  “Well, it turned out that I had found her name when I was a 13 year-old boy scout working on my genealogy merit badge, and because of that her temple work was done.”

Just as this sister was stepping aside, Brother Holiday reported that “I was being kicked really hard in the shins by some man.”  When asked about the attack, the men explained that Brother Holiday had sat next to the man on a flight from Denver to Wichita, “but didn’t even open his mouth about the eternal blessings of families.”  The man elaborated, “I recognized him right off—Delta Airlines flight 265, seat 21b—and now that I know about the gospel, I can’t believe that he just ate his peanuts and dozed off.” 

For his part, Brother Holiday has found the experience “jarring, to say the least.”  “When I look down one line, I think ‘Oh, that must be my great-great-uncle twice removed whose temple work I did—that is going to be awesome,’ but then I notice Henry Jenkins, my best friend in middle school in the other line and I think, ‘wow, he looks pissed!’”

FOUR EXCELLENT CONFERENCE TALKS IN A ROW RAISE SUSPICIONS THAT ELDER HOLLAND IS USING PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The sheer power of Elder Holland’s four recent General Conference talks has led to suspicions that the apostle may be using performance enhancing drugs. 

Starting back in April of 2011, with “An Ensign to the Nations,” Elder Holland’s discourses have resonated with a remarkable power just at a time when one might expect his strength and skills to diminish. Said one unnamed source at Church Headquarters, “I have to admit that when I heard him talk with such power about the Holy Ghost, it did occur to me that he might be taking the [performance enhancing drug] Paraclete.”  Paraclete is known for increasing knowledge, memory, and proving soothing comfort.  The source continued, “he hit a real home run, and to be honest, I wondered if I was seeing an apostolic Mark MacGwire.”

Suspicions were further raised in October of that same year and again in April of 2012.  Commented one church insider, “When he was the lead-off speaker at the Priesthood session and then ended by calling for a stronger and more devoted voice and finished with ‘Haste to the battle, quick to the field,’ I could picture a spiritual Lance Armstrong.  I hope that what was true about Lance isn’t true about Elder Holland.”

“Well, the October 2012 talk really had many wondering,” reported a third source.  “Elder Holland’s amazing insights into what the Savior’s early apostles experienced and his nonscriptural elaborations left some wondered if he had special scriptures from BALCO or about his recent ‘missionary visits’ with Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco.” 

Another key source, who did not want to be identified, stated that he thought that it was “wonderful that an apostle could have power like a majestic 747 lifting above the earth and soaring where only the eagles roam.”  Unconfirmed reports have also emerged that that source may have used floral organic stimulants to reverse geriatric amnesia. 

GENERAL AUTHORITY VALENTINES

CHURCH ANNOUNCES NEW NURSERY POSTER

Salt Lake City, UT—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has unveiled a new poster that will feature prominently in all nurseries of the church.  The poster will allow nursery-aged children to read a quote that Parley P. Pratt recorded as Joseph Smith’s response to law enforcement officials at the jail in Richmond, Missouri.  Rosemary M. Wixom, Primary General President, expressed her hope that the poster will “not only pique their nascent interest in church history, but it may also encourage greater reverence on the part of nursery children.” 

MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER INTRODUCES NEW CORPORATE SPONSOR—STRAIGHT AND NARROW HEALTHGROUP OF MAPLETON

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is proud to welcome our latest corporate sponsor, the Straight and Narrow HealthGroup of Mapleton, Utah. Straight and Narrow offers many healthcare services, including board certified chiropractors, LDS Pioneer-themed weight loss/trek preparation programs, and veterinary orthodontrics.

Paul Grontes, head of the center’s chiropractic area, said that they are thrilled to lend their support to Zion’s finest news source.  When asked about Straight and Narrow, Grotnes said, “our chiropractors don’t just heal bodies, we help those who might ‘turn back’ when they suffer afflictions, like the sons of Mosiah almost did.”  Grotnes continued that, “good chiropractic care is like repentance—both eliminate stiffneckedness.” 

Straight and Narrow’s weight loss/trek preparation program specializes in using the LDS heritage to give you the best body possible.  Denise Kesey, the program’s director, explained that “with as little as six weeks, we can give you the sort of toned Eliza R. Snow abs that will make you the talk of the young women (and the young men) at your upcoming trek.”  “No out-of-breath or possible heart attack for those brethren either,” added Kesey, “and you won’t end up in the back of some wagon or SUV, lifting your head to tell people you want to eat at Arby’s by saying ‘this is the right place, please park!’” 

Unique to the Wasatch Front is the center’s top flight veterinary orthodontrics program.  Dr. Jane Collins, who heads this area, explained that those who love their pets “appreciate that Utah now has a full service center that can treat everything from your hamster’s overbite to that nasty gap in your German Shepherd’s pearly whites.”  Dr. Collins added, “Oh I’ve seen people at the Salt Lake City farmer’s market just ecstatic when they learned that we offer the latest Invisalign clear cat braces.” 

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is glad for the generous support of a center that, whether it is your back, your hips, or you beloved poodle’s teeth, keeps everything straight and narrow.