SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The sheer power of Elder Holland’s four recent General Conference talks has led to suspicions that the apostle may be using performance enhancing drugs.
Starting back in April of 2011, with “An Ensign to the Nations,” Elder Holland’s discourses have resonated with a remarkable power just at a time when one might expect his strength and skills to diminish. Said one unnamed source at Church Headquarters, “I have to admit that when I heard him talk with such power about the Holy Ghost, it did occur to me that he might be taking the [performance enhancing drug] Paraclete.” Paraclete is known for increasing knowledge, memory, and proving soothing comfort. The source continued, “he hit a real home run, and to be honest, I wondered if I was seeing an apostolic Mark MacGwire.”
Suspicions were further raised in October of that same year and again in April of 2012. Commented one church insider, “When he was the lead-off speaker at the Priesthood session and then ended by calling for a stronger and more devoted voice and finished with ‘Haste to the battle, quick to the field,’ I could picture a spiritual Lance Armstrong. I hope that what was true about Lance isn’t true about Elder Holland.”
“Well, the October 2012 talk really had many wondering,” reported a third source. “Elder Holland’s amazing insights into what the Savior’s early apostles experienced and his nonscriptural elaborations left some wondered if he had special scriptures from BALCO or about his recent ‘missionary visits’ with Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco.”
Another key source, who did not want to be identified, stated that he thought that it was “wonderful that an apostle could have power like a majestic 747 lifting above the earth and soaring where only the eagles roam.” Unconfirmed reports have also emerged that that source may have used floral organic stimulants to reverse geriatric amnesia.