THE MORMON TABERNACLE GUIDE TO CELEBRATING THE NEW YEAR

SEEKING AUTHENTICITY FOR LIVE NATIVITY, SPANISH BRANCH CASTS SISTER MISSIONARY AS VIRGIN MARY

HOUSTON, TX—During last Saturday’s Houston South Spanish Branch Christmas activity, Sister Heidi Conner, a missionary serving in the branch, was cast as the Virgin Mary for the nativity reenactment. “We just thought,” said Sister Tevez, wife of Branch President Tomás Tevez, “that a sister missionary would be the closest thing to Jesus’ pure and holy mother.”

Sister Conner, who very hesitantly accepted the role, said, “well, it was a little awkward, I mean especially since Brother Sandoval was Joseph.” Sister Conner continued, “I mean, my first thought was why not just have his wife, Sister Sandoval be Mary, but somehow that just didn’t fit what they had in mind.”

Several branch members reported that this year’s reenactment was “especially spiritual.” “I just thought it was perfect this year,” said Sister Alvarez, adding that “Mary was just so lovely and pure.” Another branch member reported that “it really gave you a sense of how difficult the whole thing must have been for Mary, I mean, you could just see all of the discomfort, pain, and awkwardness on Mary’s face. It was powerful.”

Only moments before the live nativity, Sister Conner and her companion, Sister Brooks had a short but rather intense discussion about the Branch’s request. Sister Brooks seemed less concerned about her companion’s interaction with the married Brother Sandoval and more concerned about why she was not chosen. The discussion only ended when President Tevez invited Sister Brooks to participate as “the loveliest, blondest, and most beautiful angel shepherds had ever seen.”

When the Mission President found out about the reenactment, he immediately sent an addendum to all missionary White Handbooks prohibiting “all participation in live nativity reenactments or even being in the room where one is going on.” When the local Stake President found out, his only comment was, “well, that is still better than the Sunday when the branch had several baptisms and so they ordered pizza delivered as refreshments; we’ll count this as progress.” 

RECENTLY DISCOVERED MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR ALBUM COVERS

Salt Lake City, Utah—It has recently come to the attention of the crack team at the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that a vocal group named after this very news source has done a series of albums. This musical group, called the “Mormon Tabernacle Choir,” has created LDS alternatives to “worldly” music. Zion’s finest news source has found some of those albums hidden away in the attic of a lovely grandmother in Fairview, Utah.  The album covers are reproduced below.

We believe that more albums may be out there. If you (or your grandmother) has any of these priceless gems of musical goodness and moral uplift, please send your photos to us at motabenquirer at gmail dot com.  If you send large images, we will bring them to the attention of all of Zion!  

THE MTE CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEA: THE AARONIC PRIESTHOOD WRIST COACH

As magazines like the Ensign have in storage 50,000 Family Home Evening ideas and Cosmopolitan has in storage 50,000 tips to make your man go wild in bed, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has a storage of 50,000 Christmas gift ideas. We are more frugal with our tips, so here is this year’s one idea: the Aaronic Priesthood Wrist Coach. As you may have noticed, football quarterbacks have a special wristband with the team’s plays on it. The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer shows you how to make the best Christmas gift that special Aaronic Priesthood holder in your life will ever get.  

You’re welcome, Zion.

Step 1: Go to a large store.  (The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer does not get any special funding from large stores that use predatory practices to destroy small businesses and local culture, so the sign here has been blurred.  But if a large store that uses predatory practices to destroy small businesses and local culture would like to sponsor or support Zion’s Finest News Source, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact us!)

Step 2: Purchase a Football Wrist Coach, and item that can be found in the sporting goods section.

Step 3: Make up a card with the Sacrament prayers on it to the size of the insert.  (Bonus points if you can make it from memory without having to look up the prayers.)

Step 4: Insert the card into the wristband.

Now your Aaronic Priesthood holder is ready, with his Aaronic Priesthood Wrist Coach, to bless the sacrament.

Bonus: Other important Aaronic (and Melchizedek!) Priesthood messages can also be conveyed with the Wrist Coach.

Happy Holidays from everyone at the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer!

UNEXPECTED TEACHER ABSENCES ACROSS CHURCH CREATE DEEPENING PRIMARY REFUGEE CRISIS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—At a recent press conference, it was noted that a rising tide of unexpected teacher absences across the church is triggering an ever deepening crisis of Primary refugees. According to the Church’s High Commissioner on Primary Refugees, “every Sunday tens of thousands of children find themselves alone, disoriented, frightened, and spiritually malnourished when the adults they trust, their teachers, fail to deliver the weekly aid that they desperately need.”

The High Commissioner noted several shocking recent examples. “A few Sundays ago, in Madison, Wisconsin, several CTR 7s were left to forage for their own spiritual sustenance when neither of their teachers showed up,” explained the Commissioner. She went on, saying that “by the time we found them, frightened and huddled in a corner (and perhaps playing Minecraft on the tablet of one of the refugees), they seemed to have lost track entirely of why they had arrived at church in the first place.”

Fear about their future and a growing desperation (often masked by apathy, chit-chat, and Temple Run II) at ever getting their needs met has only exacerbated the refugee crisis.

The High Commissioner also noted that local leaders, often with resources stretched well beyond the breaking point, struggle to contain the flood of refugees. On this point the Commissioner noted that “a Primary President may try to find some parents to substitute or may try to see if other classes can absorb the sudden influx of spiritual asylum seekers. That sudden influx,” continued the Commissioner, “can jeopardize another community’s delicate social, cultural, and spiritual equilibrium, or worse, there may not be enough treats for everyone.”

 

The High Commissioner on Primary Refugees’ press conference has generated considerable conversation at all levels of the church. There are reports of efforts to give Primaries across the church better safeguards to prevent the spread of the crisis and resources to handle current problems. Unnamed sources suggest that fathers of Primary children may receive additional training “so that when a crisis presents itself, they can step in, meet the needs, and not just play hangman for 35 minutes.”

In contrast with the buzz generated by the High Commissioner on Primary Refugees, the Moderate Commissioner for Adult Sunday School Refugees has seen his single suggestion for stopping his problem roundly rejected. That suggestion was the formation of an adult foyer or lobby class to count as Sunday School for those (perhaps willingly) wandering adults.

LDS MEN, BOYS COMPETE TO APPEASE ANCIENT AMERICAN TURKEY GOD

Ancient American Turkey God attended by Ambulances

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Across the nation LDS men and boys will be meeting this week to engage in an annual ritual. That ritual is a ceremonial competition named for the ancient American god that it seeks to appease: the ward football game called the Turkey Bowl.

In a practice that has its roots in Cro-Magnon traditions, males both young and old battle to establish dominance and to appease the god. In this particular version, participants seek the great Turkey god’s favor by offering their time, energy, dignity, physical well-being, and usually several ACLs.

    

Anthropologists note that older males who participate are required to rest their bodies for an entire year before the competition. This is typically done by sitting for hours each day in office chairs. They are encouraged to watch competitions, but must do so from a couch and while gorging themselves on high calorie and low nutrient foodstuffs.

Younger males are allowed to lead active lives but are prepared in other ways. These ritual participants are trained with menial tasks like lawn mowing and merit badge acquisition. Such tasks then combine with “stories of glory” on the part of elders that encourage a sense of inferiority. The young also have imposed upon them strict religious law codes that prohibit alcohol, tobacco, and sexual expression. All of this preparation—menial tasks, stories of glory from elders, and strict law codes—fuels a resentment that finds its fullest expression in subsequent vicious quarterback sacks, punishing, blindsided tackles, and dangerously low blocks that render the propitiating pain that the Turkey god demands.

The competition often begins with the ceremonial division of teams and ritualistic verbal interactions known as “trash talking.” Such verbal interactions set unreasonable expectations and foster the hostility and resentment needed to permanently damage knees, ankles, and backs as well as destroy any residual dignity or sense of brotherhood. While one older man, one who may retain some wisdom gleaned from past rituals, may offer to stay aloof from the competition, acting as the ceremonial “permanent QB (or quarterback),” even this individual will inevitably ascend into the maelstrom once the ritual violence and anger take hold.

Women who find themselves attached to the men and boys that feel compelled to ritually appease the great Turkey god may express initial trepidation, but most often relent to the pre-historic and pre-conscious need that the menfolk express. As a precaution, many women will make an initial call to a local medicine man or 911 dispatcher, encouraging them to have several ambulances on the ready.

Cultural critics and anthropologist alike have questioned whether women would be allowed to participate in such rituals. Said one Texas woman who had recently returned from a painfully disappointing meeting in Salt Lake, “I don’t care if they would let me in or not, I ain’t knockin’ at that door!”  Speaking as well about female participation, one Florida woman said, “I would not want to intrude, since it is one of the few ways that men can get away with touching each other’s bodies.”  

REDSKIN’S OWNER DANIEL SNYDER PUSHES FOR NEW NFL TEAM: THE UTAH MULTIPLE WIFE IMPREGNATORS

WASHINGTON, DC—Washington Redskin’s owner Daniel Snyder recently told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that he would like to put a new National Football League team in Salt Lake City.  Following the city and state’s fine historical and cultural tradition, he would name them the Utah Multiple Wife Impregnators.

“Sure, it doesn’t roll off of the tongue like Braves, Chiefs, or Indians,” acknowledged Snyder, “but over time it will seem just as natural as a Utah team called the Jazz or a Los Angeles team called the Lakers.” 

When asked about the cultural implications of such a name, Snyder said that “not only does this name acknowledge a fine Mormon heritage of raising up seed but I also like the intimidation factor.”  On this point Snyder elaborated, “I mean for over a hundred and fifty years Americans have been freaked out by this practice, so this will make them quake in their boots when my glaringly fundamentalist football monsters show up to battle the merely monogamous 49ers, Patriots, or Cowboys.”

Snyder did have one major concern that seems to still be holding him back. “I know what some people might say about this team, and especially its name, and I am not insensitive to those implications,” said Snyder. “I, like everyone else who knows about Mormon history, can see how Seattle might change their name, and everyone knows that the Utah Multiple Wife Impregnators would never want to defeat and destroy the Seattle Seagulls.”  

AREA YOUNG MEN PICK UP CUTE GIRLS AT BEST FRIEND’S FUNERAL

Friends Some Time Before Gary's Death

PORTLAND, OR—Area young men Stephen Folds and Eric Johnson, attending the funeral of their close friend Gary Hall, picked up several very attractive young women. “It wasn’t really our plan,” said Folds, “it just turned out that Gary had lots of cute friends he had met at BYU.” Folds’ friend Johnson added that “Gary’s friends who don’t live here in Portland wanted to know about the last months of his life. We started to talk about it, but we were sort of disruptive at the funeral.” The young men decided to continue their conversation with their deceased friend Gary’s attractive female friends, inviting them to go out to get pizza. After dinner, when the young men were returning to their respective homes, Johnson commented to Folds that they had picked up cute girls at their best friend’s funeral, and both agreed that Gary would have wanted it that way.

MASKED, CROSS-DRESSING ELDERS QUORUM PRESIDENT AT TRUNK-OR-TREAT CLEARLY TRYING TO GET RELEASED

President Lynch may have sung "These are a few of my
Favorite Things" as he assembled his costume.

GLENDALE, CA—When Matt Lynch showed up at the Glendale 2nd ward’s annual trunk-or-treat Halloween event wearing a Grim Reaper mask and dressed as a woman, many took it as a clear sign that he was trying to get released as the ward’s Elders Quorum president.

“Yah, I guess I should have seen this coming,” reported Glendale 2nd ward bishop Edward Gibbs. “President Lynch has had a lot on his plate, so that horrifying white mask and black leather mini-skirt gave a pretty clear sense that he’d like someone to rethink his current church assignment.”

Unlike the confused and terrified children who approached the Lynch’s Toyota Sienna in search of free candy bars or M&Ms, Lynch’s wife Renee also seemed much less surprised by his costume. Renee explained that “I had seen Matt becoming somewhat distant. He was also storing away an extra can of my hairspray and had hidden my favorite semi-sheer fuchsia blouse. I figured it might be for something like this.” 

Sister Lynch then added, “well at least he just put on my gold stilettos” pointing out that “he would have tried to wear my black leather riding boots if he had known where they are.” 

While most ward members responded with shock and horror to President Lynch’s hairy thighs barely covered by a skirt that looked to be several cows too small, Lynch’s wife and Bishop were not the only ones who almost seemed to anticipate such a clear call for help. Lynch’s first counselor, Brother Pete Ricks, said that “the Quorum presidency saw [President Lynch] struggling to keep it together. Frankly, we were glad that we stopped him from setting off fireworks in the chapel last Fourth of July.”

Ricks continued, “the fact that he made it to October is pretty incredible, seeing that home teaching is about 11% and most weeks the Quorum instructor doesn’t show up. It is enough to send anyone looking for magenta eye shadow and violet fingernail polish.” Brother Rick’s final comment was, “Oh, and based on that nail polish and eye shadow, I think [President Lynch] might be colorblind, or at least I hope he is.”

MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO BOOK OF MORMON THEMED HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

PRESIDENT SAMUELSON SMITES COKE TRUCK WITH ROD, CHANGES ALL PRODUCTS TO CAFFEINE FREE

Actual Photograph of Recent Miracle

PROVO, UT—In a miraculous move that saved Brigham Young University from yet another potentially iniquitous embarrassment, President Samuelson smote an approaching Coke truck with a rod, causing only caffeine free products to emerge.

“We surely have a leader like unto Moses,” said BYU student Daniela Gore. “We saw the chaos and moral decay poured out upon our campus so recently,” continued Gore, “so when I saw him with that rod, I knew that an inspired leader had been raised up to protect us all.”

Brianna Melling from the Office of Naked Shoulder and Caffeine Wickedness Prevention was also relieved. “These last few weeks have been dark ones in this office,” said Melling. “After that Satanic infiltration—oh, I don’t even want to think about it—well, there have been some changes in this office.  Let’s just say that the heads have already started to roll.”

Melling noted that President Samuelson had entrusted judges of 100 and judges of 50 to handle most campus-wide problems, but that from now on he would personally examine each approaching Coke vehicle armed with a staff. Melling tearfully concluded, “whether that staff is parting the Red Sea or keeping us from drowning in a sea of caffeinated sin, I sleep better at night knowing that the Lord has entrusted it to those who lead His university.”     

CHURCH WARNS MISSIONARIES ABOUT EMAIL FROM NIGERIAN PRINCESS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The church has issued an urgent warning to all missionaries to be on guard against an email scam. The scammer, posing as a Nigerian princess, apparently attempts to exploit the trusting and hopeful nature of most missionaries to acquire sensitive information.

Below the transcript of the concerning email:

I am a Nigerian princess and I am in desperate need of someone who can teach me about how I can go to your heaven. I do not want to rot in some spirit prison, waiting for my no-good descendants to finally get me help. I will deposit $30,000,000.00 in genuine moneys into your bank account. Just send me the account number, the routing number, your social security number, date of birth, credit card number, security code, cell phone number, mother’s favorite teacher’s cat’s name, city of birth, names of siblings, blood type, emails of 5 friends who would also be interested in this exciting offer, and approximately when and how many hours your companion sleeps every night. I will send you money todays, and then I will send you my address so that you can come and teach me and the 8 other Nigerian princesses that live with me and our children. We have 42 children and they are all 9 years old. Please do not deny us the blessings of your gospel church and please send the requested information now so that we can all get much blessings.

Urgently,

Princess of Nigeria

This is not the first time that the church has warned missionaries about scams like this. Several years ago the church warned missionaries about a scam that asked them to send money to support a struggling former church authority. The leader had supposedly played Major League baseball and was a World War II veteran who had been miraculously saved in tense combat. Scammers sent out letters asking missionaries for donations with the slogan, “With your help he’s not Dunn yet!”

UNBORN BABY JUST MIGHT WANT TO BE ADOPTED

KAITLYN’S WOMB—I recently overheard a conversation between Kaitlyn, my mom, and some possible adoptive parents through LDS Family Services, and I really hope that Kaitlyn lets them adopt me.  Don’t get me wrong; Kaitlyn is wonderful and I’m glad she is taking good care of me, but I’ve got to say that I think going with the other parents sounds wonderful too.

What can I say about how magnificent Kaitlyn is?  She is great, and no matter what, she will be a great mom.  She obviously loves me very much.  She doesn’t do anything that would harm me as I grow.  Of course she gets nervous and afraid.  I can tell because that is when she eats a carton of vanilla birthday cake flavored ice cream and an entire Yosemite National Forest worth of gummy bears. 

Kaitlyn loves music, and that will be nice.  But it sounds like my possible adoptive mother, Amanda Skinner, is an accomplished violinist.  Which is to say—Katilyn, I’m lovin’ the Beiber, but maybe some classical music and some lessons at home would be nice as well.

I know I cannot ask Kaitlyn to do for me what the Skinners could do.  Sure, I can listen in while Kaitlyn practices her Spanish II homework, but Seth Skinner learned Spanish on his mission to Costa Rica, so he could teach me.  And even Kaitlyn would say that Seth will be so much of a better dad than Dylan could ever be, especially since he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Kaitlyn and me. (Of course Dylan does have that great hair, and we can see a lot of Seth’s skull.)

Seth Skinner apparently has a good job and so does Amanda, so it will be easier for them in some ways to raise me.  I know that Kaitlyn will do all that she can, and her mother and grandmother will help out.  I am not really excited about Kaitlyn’s friends watching me.  Her friend Ashlee has cracked the glass on three smartphones in the last 6 months, so she just doesn’t sound all that reliable to me.  And even if I am walking by then, I don’t want them to dress me all up and take me to prom. 

Kaitlyn is very brave.  She kept me after Dylan tried to get her to not have me.  She told everyone on her cheer squad and at church, and apparently some people have not been very nice.  I know that Kaitlyn cries a lot because of how people make her feel.  But I also heard that the Skinners have been praying and fasting for a long time for God to bless them with a child.  I could never ask her myself, but maybe Kaitlyn could do one more brave thing and let the Skinners adopt me. Whatever she does, I thank God for my birth mother Kaitlyn.

TIME TRAVELLING MOSES MAHLANGU FINDS COMFORT IN ELDER UCHTDORF’S 2013 CONFERENCE ADDRESS

Elder Uchdorf may have had a larger
audience than he thought

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has received evidence that time travel technology allowed Moses Mahlangu to find comfort in Elder Uchtdorf’s 2013 conference address. Moses Mahlangu, an African saint who’s story was mentioned in the first session of the October, 2013 General Conference by Elder Ulisses Soares, faced painful challenges, yet it seems that he found inspiration from a talk given several decades later.

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has found evidence of Moses Mahlungu’s time travel in the pages of his journal. Key pages date from the late 70’s and early 80’s. At that time, Brother Mahlangu could not attend church services in the building, but faithfully listened to the meetings via a window opened precisely for that purpose.

The journal pages recount the agonizing despair that Moses Mahlangu felt at that time. In one entry he mentions how “today one of the talks was about how all are equal to a loving God, and it was so difficult for me, because sometimes I feel like a second-class citizen.” The entry then added, “how is the Lord no respecter of persons yet those who claim to follow God treat me as less than them?”

It is precisely during the time when these messages are strongest and most heartbreaking that Moses Mahlangu describes traveling to the future “in a silver car with the doors going up like gull wings.” He elaborates that there was a “crazy-looking driver, with wild gray hair” who took him to a large building. In the building, Brother Mahlangu found a man with “seemingly perfect gray hear, speaking with love and power.”

 

Of this man’s talk, Brother Mahlangu wrote, “at first I was surprised, since it was unusual for me to hear a man with a German accent speak with such compassion and love.” Brother Mahlangu continued, “I felt so strongly the influence of the Holy Spirit as he spoke, and when he mentioned that there are times when leaders and members make mistakes, I felt such relief.”

 

In the same entry, Brother Mahlangu said that “I had such an outpouring of peace when he acknowledged that there may have been things said and done that were not in harmony with the church’s values, principles, and doctrine.”  “By the end,” reported Mahlangu, “I felt the desire to bring my talents and my differences to the Church, and to bring them fully if the day ever comes that I could give them completely.”

Brother Mahlangu seems to have never reported his time travel to others. His journal only notes that, “we had to return early from the weird trip since the guy had to pick up some kid and take him to the past or present or something, so I only heard one speaker.” As a final note Brother Mahlangu said, “the church meeting that I visited in the future was wonderful, but I wonder who the other speakers were and what they talked about?”

MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER TIPS FOR GETTING THE MOST OUT OF GENERAL CONFERENCE

SATAN STILL DISAPPOINTED BY LOSS OF SINGLE PROVO MTC SUCCESS: TREE OF LIFE SHOWERS

“Tree of Life” Shower

HADES—Though never one to dwell on the past—getting kicked out of heaven, missing out on a body, not letting Robin Thicke convert to Mormonism and then perform for the VMA’s—the Father of Lies is still disappointed that he let slip his minor Provo Missionary Training Center success: the “Tree of Life” showers.

While it has been years since all of the MTC showers were converted to private facilities, the Prince of Darkness still holds fond memories of valiant servants of God wracked by the guilt, shame, and embarrassment experienced in the former facilities.

“Yah, you know there was nothing like the anxiety and panic that at least distracted those detested young men when 6 of them all had to shower together in a circle,” reported the Old Serpent.  “That missionary--he might be mastering German and half way through the Book of Mormon—but at least I knew that his daily wash ritual would make him feel awkward and humiliated.” 

Lucifer's Original Design for MTC Showers

When talking about the showers, called the “tree of life” for how 6 shower heads would emerge from the top of one vertical plumbing unit, the Great Dragon revealed how they got there in the first place.  He said that, “well, we had some people on the inside for that one, a few contractors and a plumber from Tennessee who we tempted with some sweet tea and then told him that if he didn’t do our bidding then we would send Payton Manning back to the Volunteer state.”  The plan apparently worked, and the corrupted plumber and contractors convinced others that, with the showers installed, they would be too difficult to replace.

“So they were there for years, and it was pretty great to at least have that miserable comfort as some revenge on the missionaries,” concluded the Devil. As a final comment, Lucifer noted how “now that the Tree of Life showers are gone, the next best time that we have to see these otherwise capable and confident young men completely embarrassed by their bodies is usually on the wedding night.”  

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO HOW TO PROPOSE

AREA LAUREL ABOUT TO JOIN FIRST DRUG- AND ALCOHOL-FUELED ORGY STOPPED IN HER TRACKS BY MEMORY OF LAST SUNDAY’S PARTICULAR SPIRITUAL YOUNG WOMEN’S CLASS HANDOUT

Artists Rendition of Possible Handout

COLUMBIA, SC-- Area Laurel Isabel Pelley was about to indulge in her very first drug- and alcohol-fueled orgy when she was stopped in her tracks by the memory of last Sunday’s Young Women’s class handout. “I don’t know where I’d be right now, probably making some hung-over, tweaked-out walk-of-shame from Brad’s house,” reported Isabel, “if the memory of [Laurel Class Advisor] Sister Vasquez’s handout on that dusty pink paper had not flashed before my eyes.”

The young sister Pelley stated that, “Brad had been kinda pressuring me for weeks, and I had said no, but, I don’t know, I sorta didn’t want to disappoint him.” Isabel went on to explain that, “so, we were on our way, when, like a light or something, I could see in my mind the lacy border around that handout, and I just knew that I couldn’t go through with it.” 

Isabel reported that when she told Brad that she had changed her mind, “he started to get all sweet on me, sayin’ that it would be fun and that it was no big deal.” Somewhat persuaded by the young man’s pleas, Isabel indicated that “I started to listen to him, but when he spoke I could see his words in the perfect font that Sister Vasquez had used, you know, the one that looks casual but spiritual.”

“When Brad started to get a little upset,” elaborated Isabel, “I just pictured the clip-art that was at the bottom, and I just knew then and there that whiskey, meth, and sex, and all for the first time, could never take the place of spiritual things in my life, like, you know, whatever was on that handout.”

When asked about the exact content of the handout, Isabel said, “I don’t really remember--it might have been a quote by somebody or something. I think it’s in my scriptures but it might be on the floor in the van.” Unconfirmed sources indicate that the handout, like last Sunday’s lesson, most likely addressed tithing.

MISSIONARY CASTS DUST OFF FEET AGAINST TOPEKA 3RD WARD

Before and After Pictures of What Elder Kesler Imagines Will Happen

TOPEKA, KS—Elder Robert Kesler recently performed the act of casting off the dust of his feet against the Topeka 3^rd Ward.  That act, which was done last Tuesday, came after what Elder Kesler described as “the point at which the Spirit will no longer strive with this generation of vipers who pollute this the Lord’s suburban Kansas vineyard.”

Elder Kesler relayed much of the event in his weekly letter to his mission president.  He told the president that he had “warned and forewarned the slothful, iniquitous, and adulterous children of men that the sword of the Lord’s judgment hangeth over their heads, yea, the day soon cometh that the Kansas river will turn red with your blood and God will cast down your homes, churches, theaters, and Walmarts.” 

In spite of Elder Kesler’s condemnation, he appears to have been alone in concluding that “it shall be more tolerable for the heathen in the day of judgment” than this particular Midwestern ward.  Elder Kesler’s companion, Elder York, told his companion that he would “let him do the dust casting this time” and that he might “give the ward one last chance, just this once.”

Elder York’s letter to the president painted a rather different picture of the situation.  He noted that Elder Kesler had “been pretty worked up recently, even more than usual.”  He elaborated that when they were served lasagna for the third time in one week, Elder Kesler said that “he could only choke it down because the Lord had promised that His servants could consume poison and not be injured.” 

When one of the youth expressed concerns about going on a mission, Elder York noted that Elder Kesler made it clear that “such sinful doubts were exactly how Laman and Lemuel got started.”  Elder Kesler then warned the young man’s family to avoid any long car rides with him or to expect “sibling abuse, rude dancing, and becoming very, very lost.”  Elder Kesler even noted that such a son “might lead their gray hairs to a watery grave, like in the pool of some Motel 8 where they would have to stop.”

According to Elder York, the youth were not the only ones who demonstrated Topeka’s “rising tide of filth and faithlessness.”  Among other “gross sins and abomination” were the bishop’s failure to convert thousands, “even if he had to cut off a few arms to do it,” the relief society president’s failure to implement a plan wherein all compassionate service casseroles would have papers with missionary messages cooked into them, and the music director’s “heinous neglect” of “Called to Serve,” which Elder Kesler wanted to be sung at least twice during every meeting. 

Elder Kesler had gone so far as to warn what he sees as the few faithful members to watch for the fire and brimstone that “will inevitably consume both root and branch.”  When some of those members, concerned about such warnings, asked Elder York about it, Elder York told them not to worry.  Elder York explained that, after he had got up 3 minutes late one morning, he had seen Elder Kesler casting the dust off of his feet against him that evening when he thought that Elder York was asleep.  Elder York concluded that “this happened about 3 months ago, so I think we’re all good.” 

So far there have been no reports of complete annihilation in either Topeka or the other areas where Elder Kesler has served.  

COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED NEW PARENTS SLEEP RIGHT THROUGH ANGEL MORONI VISIT

SACRAMENTO, CA—James and Teri Burke, the completely exhausted parents of a newborn, recently slept right through what would have been a life-altering visit by the angel Moroni. 

Teri gave birth to the Burke’s third child 2 days ago.  Delivery complications first meant that the doctors tried to induce Teri, but ended up having to deliver the Burke’s child via caesarian section. Since then, James, who has been with his wife every step, has found himself scrambling to find people to watch their other children and finish an important work project.   

The days since their daughter’s birth have been a whirlwind of activities, visits, pictures, and adjustments.  Though Teri has struggled less with breast-feeding, her post-partum emotional swings have been just as severe as before.  James has worked hard to relieve his wife of as much stress as possible.

By last night, both James and Teri were so exhausted that they let one child have ice cream for dinner and allowed another to commit what under any other circumstances would have been timeout-worthy misdemeanors. But even in this county fair-like environment, both children fell asleep rather quickly.

Once James and Teri got to go to bed, they fell into the deep sleep-of-the-dead known only to new parents, recently released mission presidents, and deacons at the Priesthood session of General Conference.

 

It was in the midst of this tomb-like slumber that, unbeknownst to them, the Burke’s bedroom filled with a radiant white light rivaling far brighter than the noon-day sun. In this brilliant glow, a man in a celestial robe appeared with a message for the Burkes. After starting his message, he noted that the Burkes had not stirred in the least. The man coughed several times and even raised his voice slightly. When this also met with no reaction, he shook Brother Burke rather violently. Not recognizing the angelic prodding, James rolled over and simply mumbled “she’ll probably go right back to sleep…”

 

Because of their inattentiveness, the angel consulted with other post-mortal messengers and administrators.  They determined to come back later that night, but neither the second nor third visits yielded better results.  There was a discussion about trying to visit them individually the next day, but given both Brother and Sister Burke’s sheer exhausted, they held out little hope of duly rested and attentive recipients. The suggestion that they leave a note was also rejected.

Nothing is known of the exact contents of the intended angelic message, though some reports indicate that it may have included a quote from Isaiah chapter 60.  

AREA WOMAN CONCERNED ABOUT ANSWERS TO PRAYERS

ROCHESTER, NY—Jen Webster of the Rochester 3^rd Ward has become increasingly concerned about the answers she seems to be getting to her prayers.

Sister Webster first became concerned about this nearly two years ago.  At that point she was praying many times a day to know if it was a good time to add one more child to their family of four.  Jen reported that “one day, as I was praying about this, I felt a sudden peace and into my mind I saw, with utter clarity, a turnip.” She continued, “I searched the scriptures for some sort of symbolism or meaning, but I didn’t find anything.”  When she consulted her husband about it, the only insight he could offer was “maybe turnips are a pregnancy craving or maybe we both need to repent and ‘turn-up’ toward God.”  Sister Webster found neither suggestion insightful.

 

Odd answers to prayers did not stop with this one.  On another occasion, Jen thought out a problem, took her plan to the Lord, and then felt what she described as a very distinct “burning in the big toe.”  She elaborated that “this seemed to happen every time I thought about this problem.  One day I concluded that I should not follow through with my plan,” continued Webster, “since the burning was in my left big toe, and the Lord has told us to choose the right.”  Webster concluded that this was a reliable solution, until the next day, when the burning moved to the right big toe.

 

These have not been the only incidents of ambiguous answers to prayers.  When she asked the Lord for inspiration on her talk dealing with tithing, the only clear impression she received was the word “Finland.”  When she prayed about how she might help her 2^nd grade son who was struggling with reading, she had these words flash in her mind: “The value lies not within any particular thing, but in the desire placed on that thing.”  Commenting on that answer, Sister Webster said, “not only do I have no idea what that means, but that sounds like something out of a fortune cookie.”

When asked what she might do about this situation, Sister Webster said, “well, the obvious answer would be to pray about it, and, of course, when I did, the only answer I got was ‘Abraham Lincoln’.” 

ELEVEN THOUGHTS OF A 14 YEAR-OLD WITH ADD DURING A FIRST TRIP TO THE SACRED GROVE

ALTERNATIVE DIMENSIONS EXPERTS THEORIZE ROLE OF BRADY FAMILY HOME TEACHERS

Greg's Young Men's president 
would have sensed the evil 

PROVO, UT—This weekend saw the annual gathering of a group of renowned Mormon scientists and science fiction writers.  The group, called ParalleLDS, explores the possible roles that members of the church might have in alternative time dimensions.

Among this year’s presenters was Andy Roberts, who teaches at the State University of New York at Palmyra.  Dr. Roberts argued that “we can anticipate that an LDS Brady family, living in a very plausible alternative dimension, would have rejoiced as their faithful home teachers gave Marcia a blessing to miraculously heal her nose before that crucial dance.”  Roberts continued that “an inspired Young Men’s president surely would have called to warn Greg about the tiki idol.” 

Other presenters, like Dr. Janice Lawrence from the University of Southern Central Florida, postulated the impact of Mormonism in athletic events in other time dimensions. Dr. Lawrence established that the 1980 US men’s Olympic hockey team “would clearly have braved the baptismal waters of Lake Placid just before defeating the Russian team in order to truly bring to pass a miracle on ice and in the font.” She also established a credible alternate world in which “repentance created more virtuous football players at schools like the University of Miami and USC, players who would not place success on the field above spiritual success.”  As a result, explained Lawrence, “those programs would eschew so called ‘national titles’ in order to be truly, eternally successful, just as BYU’s football team has done in this dimension for almost 30 years!” 

One of the most talked about presentations came from Dr. Kristina Humphries who teaches physics and creative writing at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople.  Dr. Humphries established a breakthrough theory about how the church has grown exponentially in one alternative world.  According to Humphries, “two sister missionaries traveling to an appointment near Los Angeles felt impressed to follow a particular SUV.  When the vehicle stopped in a Brentwood neighborhood, the sister’s followed an impression to knock on the door.”  Dr. Humphries then explained how these inspired sister missionaries “preached the gospel first to the people in the home, who lovingly repented and forsook their sins,” and then the sisters “addressed the cameras that had assembled so that God’s word (instead of the NBA) could be heard throughout the nation.”

Though most presentations were well received, others received considerable criticism. When a professor postulated a world in which Jon McNaughton could respectfully see the value of religious, cultural, and political pluralism, he was roundly criticized as proposing “something so wildly implausible and absurdly unthinkable” that “by its very nature may violate fundamental principles of the space-time continuum as well is bring ParalleLDS’s work into disrepute.”  McNaughton reportedly responded with a life-size painting of Jesus weeping at the sight of McNaughton's critics, many of whom happened to be reading articles from the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.

SATAN WORKING ON SPIRIT-CANCELLING HEADPHONES

GAHENNA—Sources inside Satan’s Kingdom indicate that he may be trying to develop Spirit-cancelling headphones. Those sources report that Hell’s technology wing, Siren Systems, is working on headphones that will block the gentle whisperings of the Holy Ghost so that missionaries will not “stop at one last place,” home teachers will not “give that family a call,” and Relief Society teachers will not “rethink the centerpiece and handouts.” The same unnamed sources indicate that this will go a long way in preventing the sort of “spontaneous and inspired acts” that so often foil carefully laid demonic plans.

Reports outline how Siren Systems, an acronym meaning “Satanic Inspiration-Removal Electronic Nanotechnologies” is also developing noise-generating headphones that will serve the same function. Leaked emails (“e” not for “electronic” but for “evil”) describe the noise-generating headphones as “providing victims with a long list of things to do, past sins, present shortcomings, reasons why a spouse is evil, or vuvuzela trio concertos” that prevent people from hearing the still, small voice. The email explains that “the sounds of busyness can be just as useful as heavy metal music in keeping people from hearing God.”

Though the product has a number, the MTE-666, the name has not been finalized, though some want to call them “Beats by Dread.”

CHURCH UPDATES PAINTINGS FOR HISTORICAL ACCURACY

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The church has begun a process of updating some paintings to enhance historical accuracy.  The first such update is to a painting called Joseph’s Last Farewell.  A church spokesman commented that the updated version “gives a greater sense of the polygamous relationships Joseph had at the end of his life.”

THE FRIEND TO COVER RECENT SUPREME COURT RULING

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—According to reports, The Friend’s August 2013 issue will feature an article addressing the recent Supreme Court Ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act.

The article, titled “We Are All Friends,” will explain the implications of the ruling for Primary-aged LDS children who may feel confused. Sources indicate that the cover picture will show “very concerned grandparents reading the newspaper or watching television,” while children in the foreground “smile, play, and hold hands, seemingly unaware of same-sex hand-holding taboos.”

Only a few unconfirmed details about the article's text have emerged. Reports indicate that the article will discuss the work of the Supreme Court saying that “some nice people who wear funny black shower curtains to work have been thinking about families.” It goes on to elaborate that “now, even if you have two daddies or two mommies, you are just as much their child and just as much a family.” 

Further reports indicate that children will be told that “having a mommy and a daddy is still just as nice, and now we can all feel like we belong.” To clarify other aspects of the ruling, including how divorced same-sex partners can now have custody rights, the article will explain that “kids with a different kind of parents will now, no matter what, get all of the blessings of having those people in their lives.”   

One illustration is said to show “a range of happy children playing together, obviously enjoying the spiritual, emotional, and financial benefits of marriage equality.”  

MTE INTERVIEW WITH TOM MOULD: POKING HIM WITH THE LONG POINTY STICK OF ZION’S FINEST QUESTIONS

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, Zion’s Finest News Source, is glad to give you, our dear readers, the in-depth and groundbreaking interviews that answer the real questions.  We are pleased to post this interview which we recently conducted with Tom Mould, author of Still, the Small Voice: Narrative, Personal Revelation, and The Mormon Folk Tradition. Though other, frankly lesser publications, may attempt similar interviews (and don’t think that we don’t see you, Dialogue!), only the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is willing to really poke current people with the long pointy stick of Zion’s finest questions.  As with all MTE interviews, this was conducted at an undisclosed location and without the victim's interviewee’s knowledge or consent. Cus that’s how we roll. 

MTE: If you had to guess, what secret sins do you think kept Romney from becoming president?

Tom Mould: I don’t really know what you mean by this question.  I’m not sure if it was secret sins…

MTE: Give us your reasons why Harry Reid might secretly be a Muslim?

Tom Mould: Wait, what? I don’t think Harry Reid is a Muslim.

MTE: Do you think that it is just a coincidence that after the Book of Mormon came forth, people starting using “moron” as an insult?

Tom Mould: Um, I really doubt that there is a connection, and please stop following me around this grocery store.

MTE: You study Mormonism, so of course you watched General Conference.  So, podium question: who wore the suit best: Andersen or Nielson?

Tom Mould: You know I’m an anthropologist, right? 

MTE: One more General Conference question: whose tie would you predict will be the real trend-setter as summer starts to heat up?

Tom Mould: Do I even know you?

MTE: Okay, so now let’s talk about your book: There are rumors that the movie rights are being shopped around Hollywood and Vernal.  If you could pick the actor that you want to play the lead, who would it be?

Tom Mould: Did you even read my book? 

MTE: One thing our readers noticed was how skillfully you handled the hot and steamy sex scenes by not including any.  Is this because you are saving them for your next book, or is it because you don’t feel that you are a good enough writer to incorporate vampires?

Tom Mould: Did you even look at the cover?

MTE: Do you feel like the last name Mould has ever held you back?  How about Tom?

Tom Mould: I didn’t until now. Wait, you’re not recording this, are you?

CONFESSIONS OF A DESIGNATED IN-BETWEEN DATE

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—My name is Brandon Welch, I’m 17, almost 18, and it seems like I’ve become the designated In-Between date. If you don’t know what that is, the designated In-Between date is a boy that takes out girls between the dates that they really want to go on. Last Saturday it was Bella Norton, who only went out with me because her parents make her go out with someone different every 3 dates. And, like the safe person that doesn’t drink so he can drive, I’m the designated, safe, In-Between date.

On the outside this seems like a pretty good gig. I get to go out with lots of girls. Sometimes I don’t even have to ask them. They will just come up to me, like when Sandy Koch asked if I wanted to go to a movie. She needed a designated In-Betweener so she could go to prom in three weeks with Alan Stevens. Sandy and Alan had already seen the movie, or, let me restate that, they had been in the dark room where the movie was playing. Sure, as the designated In-Between date I didn’t have to ask her out, but it turned out that she actually wanted to see the movie now that it was me and not Alan next to her. Bummer.

All of the girls I go out with would much rather be with someone else. Julie Thompson spent the whole time at Putt-Putt talking about Jeffrey Horner, all of the things that they had done together and what a great missionary he will be. I’m not sure that she understands some of the church’s rules or what makes a great missionary. And it seemed like a good idea when she said that she wanted to “try some things out on me,” but it wasn’t as much fun when she started whispering Jeffrey’s name. And I don’t even want to know what was up with that nickname!

Sometimes being the designated In-Between date can be okay. I get the inside scoop on lots of relationships, and I have learned a lot about how girls think. It isn’t all misery in the permanent friend zone. But I’m not sure that this is keeping kids from getting serious. Sometimes the girls just have me pick them up and then drop them off at some party, only to have me pick them up later.  I know that Bella is still upset about her family’s dating rule, and she said that half the reason she still sees Logan Price is because her parents don’t like him. She might have dumped him by now, but, let me tell you, it won’t be for the designated In-Betweener. 

FOUND IN FORTY-FIVE YEAR-OLD MAN'S JOURNAL FROM THE 80'S

LDS CHURCH HAS NO COMMENT ON REPORTED PORNOGRAPHY ERASING SPYWARE

TYLER, TX—Edward (name changed) had mixed feelings after he started his computer late Tuesday evening.  The college junior, at home for the summer from Texas A&M University, found himself again bored and lonely, but when he looked for soothing in his sinful habit, he found that his files of pornography had been erased.

“I was upset at first, and then worried,” said Edward. He continued, “I was worried that my mom had found them and erased them, but then I realized that she doesn’t have the password and that the computer had not been turned on.” What had actually happened was some spyware Edward had inadvertently loaded had erased his files.

Mark Summers from McAfee, a prominent spyware detection and removal company, said that “we started to get reports (like Edward’s) in April. It was mostly men and they were all Mormon saying that their porn was gone. Some were panicked, while others seemed mystified and even relieved.”

McAfee has pinpointed the pornography erasing software as a spyware program called Nrop.  “Frankly,” said Summers, “it is just the sort of sophisticated, clever, and virtuous programs that we would expect, the source seems to be Orem, Utah, and the rather corny name refers to how it reverses porn.”  Added Summers, “Mormon programers tend to be bright but goofy in their program naming practices.”

The program was apparently covertly bundled with any downloaded files from the General Conference Priesthood session and with downloads of For the Strength of Youth and Preach my Gospel. The program not only blocks incoming pornographic images or texts, but it targets existing computer files. What happened to Edward seems to be typical. Edward explained that “the program found my folders like the one labeled 'Hot Eskimo Sorority Girls' and erased it completely.  I was pretty upset initially, but then I was glad that it had all been erased. Sort of.”

No one from Church headquarters would comment on the Nrop spyware, though an official who could not be named said that “the Lord and BYU’s Computer Science Department work in mysterious ways.”

HEALTH INSPECTOR CLOSES SACRAMENT PREPARATION ROOM

VALDOSTA, GA—Lowndes County health inspectors, doing a routine check of an LDS church, closed the building’s small sacrament preparation room because of a number of health code violations.  Said county inspect David Harris, “it was really pretty filthy in there.  I mean, I’m sure that the members of that congregation have faith and everything, but you would need a lot of God power to not get sick from anything that came out of that place.”

Health inspectors found moldy bread as well as small plastic cups with traces of mildew.  “What also stood out,” remarked Harris, “were the metal trays. Let me just say; I served two tours in Iraq, and what I saw in those trays will haunt my nightmares forever.” 

When asked to comment on the situation as a whole, Harris noted that “unsupervised fourteen year-old boys in charge of food storage, preparation, and clean up could be a policy that the Mormons might want to revisit.”  

ARCHEOLOGY GRAD STUDENT RECONSTRUCTS 20 YEARS OF SACRAMENT MEETINGS BASED ON EVIDENCE GATHERED WHILE CLEANING ONE PEW

PROVIDENCE, RI—Graduate student Helen Moore recently reconstructed 20 years of sacrament meetings from the evidence she collected while cleaning one pew in a local chapel.  Moore, a student at Brown University’s Joukowsky Institute for Archaeology & the Ancient World, said that “once you see what is really going on with the pew, the micro particles in the fabric cushions, debris caught between cushions and seatbacks, and artifacts near the base, cleaning the chapel becomes an act of historical and cultural discovery.”

Moore did not anticipate such an archaeological trove when she showed up with her Ipod on Saturday morning. She did not want to mop the bathrooms again, and washing the windows with four primary children running around “seemed like a hopelessly Sisyphean endeavor,” reported Moore.  When Moore began cleaning the 3^rd pew from the front “just as something new to do,” she was shocked at what she found. 

“I knew that there would be food particles,” explained Moore, “but the variety of midden was truly amazing.” Moore reported that “to the untrained eye the stratigraphic layers of archaeological material can be hard to distinguish, but (in and around this pew) they were remarkably clear and consistent.”  Moore further elaborated on how “beyond the ground up Cheerios found at all layers of my investigation, it was at lower ones that I found cereals that have long since become extinct, including Cap'n Crunch’s Choco Crunch, Smurf Berry Crunch, and even Dino Pebbles.”  It was the discovery of Berry Berry Kix, a discontinued cereal introduced in CE1992 that pushed Moore to dig deeper. “At first I had no idea what I was looking at,” stated Moore.  Moore continued, “among the goldfish cracker fragments I saw colorful nutritive particles that I could not identify, but once I got them back to the lab and ran a phytolithic analysis, sure enough, it was the rare General Mills cereal at exactly the level one would expect.”

Moore made several other key discoveries that helped her recreate nearly two decades of religious and cultural rituals at the site. “Some key artifacts really made it easier to fit all of the pieces together,” said Moore. When asked about those artifacts, Moore mentioned a piece of a sacrament program outlining the now discontinued practice of a “Missionary Farewell,” a stylus trapped in a pew cushion from an old PDA (Personal Digital Assistant) circa CE2003, and a scrap of paper from the “Daily Tasks” portion of a Franklin planner page. Said Moore, “like so many other archaeological sites, this one was a rich source of primary evidence resulting from both historical accidents and lapses in ancient and contemporary cleaning protocols.”

LONDON TEMPLE CELESTIAL ROOM COUCH FACES POSSIBLE RELEGATION TO LOCAL WARD FOYER

Guess Which London Celestial Room Couch 
Will Miss the Big Couch Tournament Again 

LONDON--A white couch, currently a fixture in the celestial room in the London temple, seems to be at risk of relegation to a lower level church foyer. After many years at what all furniture considers the highest league, so to speak, the sofa finds itself struggling to keep its place. Given the very real relegation possibilities, perhaps to ward buildings in Reading, Wigan, and near Queen's Park, some of the couch’s cushions are hoping to get picked up as loans to couches that do not face relegation.

COPY OF “PREACH MY GOSPEL” CAN’T BELIEVE HOW LITTLE SISTER MISSIONARY KNOWS

Copy of Preach My Gospel 

PROVO, UT—Okay, so I know that missionaries are young and may not have been paying attention in seminary or church, but, as a copy of Preach My Gospel, I cannot believe how little Sister Katherine Lawrence knows about missionary work and the church in general.

Sister Lawrence got me when she first day she came to the MTC, but right off I could see that she didn’t know very much. Page vii is my introduction. The first note she wrote was “where can I get a copy of Preach My Gospel?” She crossed that out once her companion explained that the picture on the page was the cover of the book she was reading.

It didn’t get any better on the next page. This page features a diagram with a family at the center. On a page that explains the role of personal study and learning, Sister Lawrence’s only study note is “that boy is kinda cute.” Page 2 features an artist’s rendition of Lehi’s dream with a brilliant depiction of the Tree of Life. Sister Lawrence makes this note about it: “I bet this is where Christmas trees come from.” On page 6 she wrote, “ask companion what Restoration means,” and on page 12 she wrote, “ask her who all of these presidents are.”

I have a great section explaining studying and preparing to teach lessons that goes from pages 19 to 21, and Sister Lawrence’s only comment is: “I’m sure my companion will know how to do all this and when the time is right I will just give my heartfelt testimony!” In fact, in several places her only comment is “or just give a heartfelt testimony.” She seems to think that a heartfelt testimony is a magic wand that she can just wave over any situation and whatever she wants to happen will happen.

In other sections, well, it is pretty appalling. On page 46, which gives a list of other key religious figures who were inspired by God, next to Mohammed Sister Lawrence wrote: “caused 9/11,” next to Confucius she wrote: “name says it all,” and next to Buddha she wrote: “Fat.” The entire section on Finding People has only two study notes. One says, “the pure in heart will find me,” and the second says “most wards have some wierdos who give the missionaries people to teach.”

Heaven help both of us.

Note: This report is an homage to an article published in The Onion dealing with: “Copy Of “The Scarlet Letter” Can't Believe The Notes High Schooler Writing In Margins”