Monday, November 4, 2013


President Lynch may have sung "These are a few of my
Favorite Things" as he assembled his costume.
GLENDALE, CA—When Matt Lynch showed up at the Glendale 2nd ward’s annual trunk-or-treat Halloween event wearing a Grim Reaper mask and dressed as a woman, many took it as a clear sign that he was trying to get released as the ward’s Elders Quorum president.

“Yah, I guess I should have seen this coming,” reported Glendale 2nd ward bishop Edward Gibbs. “President Lynch has had a lot on his plate, so that horrifying white mask and black leather mini-skirt gave a pretty clear sense that he’d like someone to rethink his current church assignment.”

Unlike the confused and terrified children who approached the Lynch’s Toyota Sienna in search of free candy bars or M&Ms, Lynch’s wife Renee also seemed much less surprised by his costume. Renee explained that “I had seen Matt becoming somewhat distant. He was also storing away an extra can of my hairspray and had hidden my favorite semi-sheer fuchsia blouse. I figured it might be for something like this.” 

Sister Lynch then added, “well at least he just put on my gold stilettos” pointing out that “he would have tried to wear my black leather riding boots if he had known where they are.” 

While most ward members responded with shock and horror to President Lynch’s hairy thighs barely covered by a skirt that looked to be several cows too small, Lynch’s wife and Bishop were not the only ones who almost seemed to anticipate such a clear call for help. Lynch’s first counselor, Brother Pete Ricks, said that “the Quorum presidency saw [President Lynch] struggling to keep it together. Frankly, we were glad that we stopped him from setting off fireworks in the chapel last Fourth of July.”

Ricks continued, “the fact that he made it to October is pretty incredible, seeing that home teaching is about 11% and most weeks the Quorum instructor doesn’t show up. It is enough to send anyone looking for magenta eye shadow and violet fingernail polish.” Brother Rick’s final comment was, “Oh, and based on that nail polish and eye shadow, I think [President Lynch] might be colorblind, or at least I hope he is.”

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