President Lynch may have sung "These are a few of my Favorite Things" as he assembled his costume. |
“Yah, I guess I should have seen this coming,” reported Glendale 2nd ward bishop Edward Gibbs. “President
Lynch has had a lot on his plate, so that horrifying white mask and black
leather mini-skirt gave a pretty clear sense that he’d like someone to rethink
his current church assignment.”
Unlike the confused and terrified children who approached
the Lynch’s Toyota Sienna in search of free candy bars or M&Ms, Lynch’s
wife Renee also seemed much less surprised by his costume. Renee explained that “I had seen Matt becoming
somewhat distant. He was also storing
away an extra can of my hairspray and had hidden my favorite semi-sheer fuchsia
blouse. I figured it might be for
something like this.”
Sister Lynch then added, “well at least he just put on my gold stilettos” pointing out that “he would have tried to wear my black leather riding boots if he had known where they are.”
While most ward members responded with shock and horror to President
Lynch’s hairy thighs barely covered by a skirt that looked to be several cows too
small, Lynch’s wife and Bishop were not the only ones who almost seemed to
anticipate such a clear call for help. Lynch’s first counselor, Brother Pete Ricks, said that “the Quorum presidency
saw [President Lynch] struggling to keep it together. Frankly, we were glad that we stopped him
from setting off fireworks in the chapel last Fourth of July.”
Ricks continued, “the fact that he made it to October is
pretty incredible, seeing that home teaching is about 11% and most weeks the
Quorum instructor doesn’t show up. It is enough to send anyone looking for
magenta eye shadow and violet fingernail polish.” Brother Rick’s final comment was, “Oh, and based on that nail polish and eye shadow, I
think [President Lynch] might be colorblind, or at least I hope he is.”
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