Ancient American Turkey God attended by Ambulances |
In a practice that has its roots in Cro-Magnon traditions, males
both young and old battle to establish dominance and to appease the god. In
this particular version, participants seek the great Turkey god’s favor by offering
their time, energy, dignity, physical well-being, and usually several ACLs.
Anthropologists note that older males who participate are
required to rest their bodies for an entire year before the competition. This
is typically done by sitting for hours each day in office chairs. They are
encouraged to watch competitions, but must do so from a couch and while gorging
themselves on high calorie and low nutrient foodstuffs.
Younger males are allowed to lead active lives but are
prepared in other ways. These ritual participants are trained with menial tasks
like lawn mowing and merit badge acquisition. Such tasks then combine with “stories
of glory” on the part of elders that encourage a sense of inferiority. The young
also have imposed upon them strict religious law codes that prohibit alcohol, tobacco, and sexual expression. All of this preparation—menial tasks, stories of glory
from elders, and strict law codes—fuels a resentment that finds its fullest
expression in subsequent vicious quarterback sacks, punishing, blindsided
tackles, and dangerously low blocks that render the propitiating pain that the
Turkey god demands.
The competition often begins with the ceremonial division of
teams and ritualistic verbal interactions known as “trash talking.” Such verbal interactions set
unreasonable expectations and foster the hostility and resentment needed to permanently
damage knees, ankles, and backs as well as destroy any residual dignity or
sense of brotherhood. While one older man, one who may retain some wisdom gleaned
from past rituals, may offer to stay aloof from the competition, acting as the
ceremonial “permanent QB (or quarterback),” even this individual will
inevitably ascend into the maelstrom once the ritual violence and anger take
hold.
Women who find themselves attached to the men and boys that
feel compelled to ritually appease the great Turkey god may express initial trepidation,
but most often relent to the pre-historic and pre-conscious need that the
menfolk express. As a precaution, many women will make an initial call to a
local medicine man or 911 dispatcher, encouraging them to have several ambulances
on the ready.
Cultural critics and anthropologist alike have questioned
whether women would be allowed to participate in such rituals. Said one Texas
woman who had recently returned from a painfully disappointing meeting in Salt
Lake, “I don’t care if they would let me in or not, I ain’t knockin’ at that
door!” Speaking as well about female
participation, one Florida woman said, “I would not want to intrude, since it
is one of the few ways that men can get away with touching each other’s bodies.”
Well said. I can honestly say I never participated. I've heard mud/rain add greatly to the worship.
ReplyDeleteI've participated! Most men were totally fine with it. Except that they wouldn't two touch me so it was to my advantage. There was one man that yelled out "men need to cover their own wives!!!!" And since I was the only wife out there it wasn't very subtle. My presence did encourage several teen girls to play so that made me happy. I
ReplyDeleteSuper, Susie!
ReplyDelete