Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Harry Reid's Ward Finally Figures Him Out

Harry Reid allegedly exits a Rite Aid on a Sunday!
By Paul Allen 

HENDERSON, NV—The members of the Henderson 2nd Ward, home to senate majority leader Harry Reid, claim to have finally "made sense" out of their enigmatic senator, whose mystery started to unravel with a chance encounter.

"I was driving past the Rite Aid a few Sundays ago on my way home from a stake meeting," recalls LeVar Yoeman, second counselor in the stake Young Men's presidency, "and there was Brother Reid, walking out carrying a little white bag."

Though speculation over Reid's status was a bit of a cottage industry for years in the 2nd Ward, it was this revelation of a Sabbath-day purchase that finally brought all the puzzle pieces together. Said one sister, "This makes perfect sense to me. I'm certain he must have picked up coffee filters, too."

Roland Hegworth, high priest group leader in the 2nd Ward confirmed that Reid is intermittent in his church attendance.  "We see him a couple of times a year. He has the unfortunate habit of working away from home a great deal, including on the weekends at times." Hegworth went on to suggest that he understands that such habits are typical for people with "a drinking problem."

The following Sunday, the priesthood executive committee met with the Relief Society presidency to discuss the special needs of the Reid family, determining that they were probably not wearing the temple garment, no doubt nudists, have likely begun growing marijuana at home, and that the Viagra Reid is thought to have purchased at Rite Aid is used to sustain their swinging lifestyle.

Said Bishop Don Dingman, "While I haven't exactly spoken to Brother Reid, it is clear as a bell to me now how it is that he's a Democrat."

Senator Reid was in Washington, D.C. and could not be reached for comment, considered by many to be evidence of an extra-marital affair.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Church Announces Conference Crawl

By Barley B. Bratt

In an effort to further edify the Saints, the LDS Church has announced that headlines will scroll across the bottom of the screen during General Conference broadcasts. However, the following were deemed "true, but not useful" and will be cut.

1. Church denies reports of changing "Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment Night" to "Chicks Doin’ They Thang."

2. Mysterious stranger identified as "home teacher."

3. Unconfirmed report: Two early morning seminary students remain awake during entire class.

4. Las Vegas bookies set historic General Conference low odds on "Uchtdorf mentions planes" beating old record held by "Maxwell confuses most."

5. Packer forgot about talk; threw it together this morning.

6. Prophet warns Satan trying to destroy gospel instruction by stealing all chalk and erasers zipped in clear sandwich bags. "Satan desireth to have them, that he may sift them as wheat."

7. Chorister uses discreet fourth verse crescendo to wake bishopric.

8. Nevada bishop denies reports that Brother Harry Reid asked ward Sunbeams to sing "Choose the Left."

9. Monson speaks; hearts touched; lives changed.

10. BYU sports failures indicates God’s anger that City Creek Center wasn’t built faster.

Monday, March 26, 2012

LDS CHURCH: YOU CAN'T BAPTIZE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, EITHER!



Librarian shocked over Rue's Mormon baptism.
By Barley B. Bratt

SALT LAKE CITY—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints sent an email Wednesday to users of New FamilySearch and Family History Library card holders stating that proxy baptisms for fictional characters are not allowed.

The Church is rushing to address the issue after reports that the ninth proxy baptism was performed for Rue from District 11 in the Mesa, Arizona temple on March 2. The Mesa temple incident grabbed national headlines after the YouTube video of 12 year-old Allysah Jorgeson went viral. In the video, the tearful Jorgeson discusses both the pain that she and her friends felt when the Hunger Games character died, and the joy that they felt “providing the blessings she would need to at least find joy in heaven.” According to reports, Rue had had the same ordinance performed on her behalf just twenty minutes earlier in the Jordan River temple.

Particular notice has been made because of the resounding yet whispered protests of librarians across the country. As one area librarian commented, “We are worried about the impact on Dick and Jane if they become Mormon.” She then added, with the gentle bounce of her small stack-of-books earrings and a coy smile, “Or every Dickens and Jane Eyre.”  

The Church email quotes Dennis C. Brimhall (who is apparently a real person) as saying, “The searching out of our family, and preparing the names for the work to be done in the temple is a responsibility, a privilege, and—come on, people, the Steed Family isn’t even real for crying out loud!”

"Without exception,” the letter continues, “Church members must not submit for proxy temple ordinances any fictional characters irrespective of if those characters died or did not die in their respective works, including, but not limited to: Ender Wiggin, Mrs. Wiggins (from the Carol Burnett show), Peter, Susan, Edmund, or Lucy Pevensie, C.S. Lewis (who actually might have been real), Frodo Baggins, Holden Caulfield, Atticus Finch, Aquaman, Obi Wan Kenobi, Buffy Summers, Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski, Dr. Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy, Snooki (whatever a ‘Snooki’ is), Jonah (or the whale), or the Very Hungry Caterpillar.”

Friday, March 23, 2012

YW/YM Leaders Teach Chastity the "Comfortable" Way


Sister Stockton expounds on chastity.
By Amy Chamberlain

MAGNA, UT—Drawing on inspiration from Spencer W. Kimball, who brought the words “necking and petting” into common LDS usage, Young Women president Linda R. Stockton of the 26th ward in Magna, Utah, has turned to other slang terms from the 1930s. These words, she claims, make lessons on chastity “more comfortable for the leaders.” 

“So many of us older guys and gals just don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about…intimate marital relations …with the words that the kids are using today,” she says. “I say that the girls in my charge don’t need to know the so-called ‘correct’ terms for everything. There’s time enough for that when they’re married.”

Her second counselor, Karla Magleby, agrees. “Kids today are too literal,” she says. “I say that topics such as intimacy are best discussed with metaphors. Using actual terms for, you know, some certain body parts would certainly drive the Spirit away. And if analogies were good enough for my grandparents, they’re good enough for these Generation-Y kids.”

The Young Men leaders gave the idea an enthusiastic thumbs-up, and Young Men President Darnell B. Pritchett mined his childhood memories for “appropriately vague” terms to use when discussing sex with the youth in his ward. 

“You gunsels are going to wanna pitch woo, especially when you’re dizzy with a dame,” Pritchett explained to the youth during a combined chastity fireside. “And if you’re at a swell egg harbor, you may get dingy, especially if you get honey coolers from some sweet patootie. You’ll wanna put your grabbers all over her get-away sticks. Don’t be making that kind of brodie or you’ll be putting your soul in a Chicago overcoat, see?”

The second speaker, Sister Stockton, added her thoughts on how to avoid drugs and alcohol, and how to leave questionable parties: “You cats can enjoy your jolly-ups. Go ahead and get all togged to the bricks. But you should really make tracks if someone tries to slip you a Micky Finn. You can listen to your whacky platters and gobble-pipes and skin ticklers, but stay far away from the rotgut and the snipes—that stuff’s all wet. If you need to leave in a hurry, don’t blow your wig. Just give your host the high hat, make for your flivver, and take a powder. Dames, if your butter-and-egg man has already left, get on the blower to your parents. And don’t feel you have to go out every night. Bumping gums with the other twists in your cave? Well, that can be aces too.”

Bishop Larry B. Maynard spoke last, and drew on 1930s railroad stories from his youth to encourage the girls in his ward to stay chaste. “Just because the car knocker comes around your crummy to manhandle your dual control switch doesn’t mean you gotta be a twit,” he cautioned. “You keep that wet smack off your hotbox, even if you have to head to your roundhouse for a bumper. That Joe may very well look like the Big ‘O,’ but he could be a hot-headed tallowpot in disguise. Don’t let any old boomer buckle your rubbers on you, or you’ll be chewing cinders. I guess what I’m trying to say is: when you’re out hauling, always make sure your hogger is up in your crow’s nest and stay away from the hump yard.”

The youth leaders judged the fireside to be a great success. “Ain’t no crumbs ever gonna chisel our dollfaces at their juicy clambakes,” commented Shirley A. Benson, the Personal Progress adviser. “Not now that they got the low-down.”

“Mitt me, kid!” she added, turning to Sister Stockton.

“You shred it, wheat,” said Sister Stockton. They then exchanged a high five.

The youth of the Magna 26th ward could not be reached for comment.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

FARMS Vigorously Defends Michael McLean Songs

By Stephen Carter XII

NEW PROVO, MARS—In a special issue of the FARMS Review (August 2231), Mormon scholars Michael J. Wash, Robert Q. Humbling, and Horace H. Snedvet are defending the historicity of certain ancient Michael McLean songs (some over 200 years old) which were recently the subject of attack by anti-Mormon sources. The sources claim that some of the most inspirational songs attributed to McLean could not have originated in the 1980s and 90s, rather, they are forgeries perpetuated by a later musician attempting to satirize late 20th century Mormonism.

The FARMS scholars, from the BYU-Mars campus, muster archeological, literary, and prophetic evidence to support their arguments.

Wash’s article describes video cassettes unearthed from deep within LDS Church archives containing evidence of two contested McLean songs, "You're Not Alone," and "Together Forever."

Though some of the videos had suffered extensive damage, a team of experts was able to decipher evidence of mullets, poofy bangs, and leg warmers; "all incontrovertible evidence that the songs were indeed produced during the 1980s and not at some later date by a McLean imposter," Wash declares.

Humbling takes a literary approach. "Consider some lyrics from one of McLean's contested songs," he writes, “ ’You're not alone / Say it one more time, You’re not alone / You are loved in ways that can't be shown / Your fears are known / You're not alone.’ A well-trained eye will discern after some study that every line ends with the 'own' sound—a trope well known and prolifically practiced by pop musicians during McLean’s day."

Humbling has also delved into historic McLean vinyl recordings, which are kept tightly locked in the vault of the First Presidency. He reports that he has detected no irony in the songs, which could have suggested satiric intent. “Indeed, from my extensive studies, I have concluded that irony had not yet infected Mormonism at that point in its history,” he writes.

On the prophetic front, a made-for-television film Mr. Kreuger's Christmas—though now lost—strides to the defense. 

"McLean was an unknown at the time he wrote and produced this legendary film," Snedvet writes. "There is evidence in the archives of KSL that the great Jimmy Stewart played Krueger's role—a miracle in itself!"

After much research in the BYU library's special collections, Snedvet discovered that Stewart was suspected by Ezra Taft Benson of being a Communist. "President Benson’s administration significantly overlaps the history of McLean’s songs,” he writes. “Yet another brick added to the monumental wall of evidence for the truth of McLean’s inspired music.”

Another article provides new support to the claim that McLean may have ghostwritten some Rick Astley tunes.

The next issue of the FARMS Review will defend novels by early Mormon author Jack Weyland.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

BYU CREAMERY STANDS STRONG IN DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE

By Barley B. Bratt
PROVO, UT—In response to Ben & Jerry's gay-themed "Apple-y Ever After" ice cream, the BYU Creamery has just released its own "Apple and Eve, Not Apple and Steve" flavor. The apple crumble ice cream includes extremely straight-cut apple strips and is housed in a carton showing a very stern Adam, Eve, God, and Satan. All rainbows have been expunged from the garden background.
This isn't the the first time the BYU Creamery has used its considerable power to advocate against same-sex marriage. When Ben & Jerry's renamed "Chubby Hubby" to "Hubby Hubby," the BYU Creamery renamed its marriage-themed ice cream "For Time and All Etern-Nutty" to what they considered a "truth in advertising" name, calling it simply "Really Long Rocky Road."
The Creamery, which has often used the tag-line, "So good, you'll feel guilty—but it's not sinful, merely transgressive," caused considerable stir several years ago when it marketed flavors to newly married students, including "Wild Cherry Catastrophe," "Rabbit Hutch Raspberry,' and "Preg-Mint," as well as one for newly engaged couples called "Can Elope."

Monday, March 19, 2012

Snapshot: Now that we can't do proxy baptisms for celebrities, which celebrities are we planning to proxy marry?


Karl Marx and Ayn Rand

Kurt Cobain and Helen Ambelin

Ernest Hemingway and Boy George

Marilyn Monroe, Twiggy, Ingrid Bergman, Dorothy Lamour, Bettie Page, and me

Whitney Huston and Bruce R. McConkie

Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater

Brigham Young and whoever's left over

Add you own in the comments section.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sex Ed Veto Spells Relief for Utah Families

A tasty object lesson some parents use to teach their kids about sex.
by Todd Robert Petersen

SALT LAKE CITY—Thousands of Utah families secretly pumped their fists in the air at the news that Utah Governor, Gary Herbert, had vetoed the controversial House Bill 363, which would allow public schools to drop their sex ed courses. Schools that chose to keep sex ed would have to teach an abstinence-only curriculum.

Many Utahns who publicly supported this bill were privately concerned that the duties of explaining human sexuality would fall to them.

Marjorie Kleinmann, president of the Barry Goldwater Middle School PTA said that she and many of the other parents in her ward very much wanted to be on the side of conservative lawmakers, who believe that the public schools are turning Utah children into sex-loving liberals.

Kleinmann said that "it sounded like a fantastic idea for all of us teach sex ed at home, until I realized that meant I would be the one who had to tell my sweet Alexis which part of her father's anatomy goes into which part of mine. No thank you." Kleinmann's solution is simple, "We all know that Utah school teachers are basically freeloaders. With this veto, they can start earning their keep."

Benson Smith, a biology teacher at Emigration High School voiced similar concerns. "Many students come to us with interesting ideas about sexuality. Last year a senior said my lecture on endosperms was pornographic and that he had given my name to his uncle who is a stake president." Smith said that his goal in science classrooms is not to make students into homosexuals or partakers in raucous sexual practices, "That sort of takes care of itself." Instead he just wants his students to understand that they "didn't get here because their parents sat on the same toilet seat."

A fellow teacher at Emigration High confirmed Smith's characterization of Utah kids as naive and mostly-confused about sex. "I have a student whose family refers to parts of the human anatomy using the brand name of Hostess products. You know, 'Twinkie' for penis, 'Snowballs' for breasts, and 'Suzie Q' for vagina. When he told me this, I asked him why his family didn't just use 'Ding Dong' for…you know, ding dong. He looked at me like I was wearing a Yoda mask and speaking Pig Latin."

Many of the youth in Utah are also relieved that they will not have to learn the facts of life at home. A student from Beaver High School, who asked that her identity be withheld, told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that when her mother shrunk from the duty discussing menstrual periods, their father took up the mantle. "He took my sisters and me out to Dairy Queen and demonstrated the process with a stack of napkins and the ketchup bottle. I don't even want to think how he'd deal with orgasms or STDs.