Harry Reid's Ward Finally Figures Him Out

Harry Reid allegedly exits a Rite Aid on a Sunday!

By Paul Allen 

HENDERSON, NV—The members of the Henderson 2nd Ward, home to senate majority leader Harry Reid, claim to have finally "made sense" out of their enigmatic senator, whose mystery started to unravel with a chance encounter.

"I was driving past the Rite Aid a few Sundays ago on my way home from a stake meeting," recalls LeVar Yoeman, second counselor in the stake Young Men's presidency, "and there was Brother Reid, walking out carrying a little white bag."

Though speculation over Reid's status was a bit of a cottage industry for years in the 2nd Ward, it was this revelation of a Sabbath-day purchase that finally brought all the puzzle pieces together. Said one sister, "This makes perfect sense to me. I'm certain he must have picked up coffee filters, too."

Roland Hegworth, high priest group leader in the 2nd Ward confirmed that Reid is intermittent in his church attendance.  "We see him a couple of times a year. He has the unfortunate habit of working away from home a great deal, including on the weekends at times." Hegworth went on to suggest that he understands that such habits are typical for people with "a drinking problem."

The following Sunday, the priesthood executive committee met with the Relief Society presidency to discuss the special needs of the Reid family, determining that they were probably not wearing the temple garment, no doubt nudists, have likely begun growing marijuana at home, and that the Viagra Reid is thought to have purchased at Rite Aid is used to sustain their swinging lifestyle.

Said Bishop Don Dingman, "While I haven't exactly spoken to Brother Reid, it is clear as a bell to me now how it is that he's a Democrat."

Senator Reid was in Washington, D.C. and could not be reached for comment, considered by many to be evidence of an extra-marital affair.

Huntsman: “I Would Accept a Calling in the Romney Administration”

It's all right there in his patriarchal blessing!

by Paul Allen

 

SALT LAKE CITY—In a series of tweets today, Jon Huntsman, former governor of Utah and recent candidate for the GOP nomination in the 2012 Presidential election, announced to his followers that he would "humbly accept a calling in the Romney Administration.” 

Citing a dream in which he saw himself traveling the globe with President Romney, “two by two, spreading the word of democracy and securing foreign oil,” Huntsman made it clear that if the administration called, he would answer.

“I really don’t feel worthy to serve,” Huntsman admitted, noting that the voters of New Hampshire agreed.  “But I know that when the mantle of Secretary of State, or even Vice President is bestowed upon a man willing to serve his country, that the spirit of democracy moves in mysterious ways, and even a quiet, unassuming, un-nominated man such as myself can fulfill a mission far beyond his usual abilities.”  

First, he acknowledged, it was essential to do his part to have Romney’s election made sure to the highest office of the land.

After mentioning that he has  “heeded the call to serve before,” a veiled reference to his ambassadorship to China, Huntsman concluded by noting that he “knows the United States is true, that President Romney would be a true president, and that the Constitution was an inspired document handed down for the past two hundred years by inspired men."