LDS CHURCH: YOU CAN'T BAPTIZE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, EITHER!

Librarian shocked over Rue's Mormon baptism.

By Barley B. Bratt

SALT LAKE CITY—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints sent an email Wednesday to users of New FamilySearch and Family History Library card holders stating that proxy baptisms for fictional characters are not allowed.

The Church is rushing to address the issue after reports that the ninth proxy baptism was performed for Rue from District 11 in the Mesa, Arizona temple on March 2. The Mesa temple incident grabbed national headlines after the YouTube video of 12 year-old Allysah Jorgeson went viral. In the video, the tearful Jorgeson discusses both the pain that she and her friends felt when the Hunger Games character died, and the joy that they felt “providing the blessings she would need to at least find joy in heaven.” According to reports, Rue had had the same ordinance performed on her behalf just twenty minutes earlier in the Jordan River temple.

Particular notice has been made because of the resounding yet whispered protests of librarians across the country. As one area librarian commented, “We are worried about the impact on Dick and Jane if they become Mormon.” She then added, with the gentle bounce of her small stack-of-books earrings and a coy smile, “Or every Dickens and Jane Eyre.”  

The Church email quotes Dennis C. Brimhall (who is apparently a real person) as saying, “The searching out of our family, and preparing the names for the work to be done in the temple is a responsibility, a privilege, and—come on, people, the Steed Family isn’t even real for crying out loud!”

"Without exception,” the letter continues, “Church members must not submit for proxy temple ordinances any fictional characters irrespective of if those characters died or did not die in their respective works, including, but not limited to: Ender Wiggin, Mrs. Wiggins (from the Carol Burnett show), Peter, Susan, Edmund, or Lucy Pevensie, C.S. Lewis (who actually might have been real), Frodo Baggins, Holden Caulfield, Atticus Finch, Aquaman, Obi Wan Kenobi, Buffy Summers, Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski, Dr. Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy, Snooki (whatever a ‘Snooki’ is), Jonah (or the whale), or the Very Hungry Caterpillar.”

Snapshot: Now that we can't do proxy baptisms for celebrities, which celebrities are we planning to proxy marry?

Karl Marx and Ayn Rand

Kurt Cobain and Helen Ambelin

Ernest Hemingway and Boy George

Marilyn Monroe, Twiggy, Ingrid Bergman, Dorothy Lamour, Bettie Page, and me

Whitney Huston and Bruce R. McConkie

Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater

Brigham Young and whoever's left over

Add you own in the comments section.

KBYU ABRUPTLY CANCELS “BAPTIZING FOR THE STARS”

By Stephen Carter

Citing a sudden shift in viewer interests, KBYU has cancelled what would have been its first reality series, Baptizing for the Stars.

"We've heard from very . . . important sources that our viewers are most emphatically NOT interested in doing posthumous baptisms for celebrity personages," said Fillmore Leonard, director of programming. "Rather, they would prefer to watch reruns of 1970's General Conference sessions."

Baptizing for the Stars was to feature photogenic genealogists as they competed to find deceased celebrities whose temple work had not yet been completed. The first season was slated to focus on great authors, the second on heroes of the American West, and the third on the founders of multilevel marketing companies.

One crew member, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed surprise at the sudden cancellation, recounting how she had borne tearful testimony in Relief Society about her experiences during a recent shoot in Santo Domingo. According to internal documents, the episode being taped was about a "young female diarist."

One source affirms that KBYU has had to dispose of thousands of hours of footage featuring high-tension searches through the Family History Library, action-packed microfilm scanning, and tearful reunions between fourth cousins three times removed.

On the bright side, the cancellation may make room for another reality series, Waiting for Elder Right, which, as the tagline promises, "always ends with a wedding."