CHURCH ANNOUNCES CONFERENCE CRAWL

In an effort to further edify the Saints, the LDS Church has announced that headlines will scroll across the bottom of the screen during General Conference broadcasts. However, the following were deemed "true, but not useful" and will be cut.

1. Church denies reports of changing “Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment Night” to “Chicks Doin’ They Thang.”

2. Mysterious stranger identified as “home teacher.”

3. Unconfirmed report: Two early morning seminary students remain awake during entire class.

4. Las Vegas bookies set historic General Conference low odds on “Uchtdorf mentions planes” beating old record held by “Maxwell confuses most.”

5. Packer forgot about talk; threw it together this morning.

6. Prophet warns Satan trying to destroy gospel instruction by stealing all chalk and erasers zipped in clear sandwich bags, for “Satan desireth to have them, that he may sift them as wheat.”

7. Chorister uses discreet fourth verse crescendo to wake bishopric.

8. Nevada bishop denies reports that Brother Harry Reid asked ward Sunbeams to sing “Choose the Left.”

9. Monson speaks; hearts touched; lives changed.

10. BYU sports failures indicates God’s anger that City Creek Center wasn’t built faster.