AFTER RECEIVING INVITATION, MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR HELPS BUILD TRUMP WALL

Mormon Tabernacle Choir Singing in Iran
or Guatemala or Chile

Near Laredo, TX—After receiving a very cordial invitation, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has joined the likes of Aaron Carter and Kanye West in building a “YUGE” border wall between the US and Mexico.

The president of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Doug Morgan, explained to the media that “the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has a great tradition of performing at important events like inaugurals, Utah stadium fireworks shows, and dam dedications.” Morgan continued that “singing while we work, including mixing mortar to the tune of ‘Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel’ or singing ‘Carry On!’ while moving cinder blocks are some of the things we do best.”

Added one member of the choir, “we are honored to be able to serve our country by providing manual labor and music for projects that will make America great again.”

Some choir members expressed concerns about accepting the invitation. “Yah, I had my reservations at first,” said Bernice McConkie. McConkie continued that “I thought that maybe the choir should not show support for a project that might not do enough to keep illegals from sneaking in and taking our jobs, since, you know, so many are rapists and murderers, but some are nice people.” What set Bernice’s mind at ease was, as she tells it, “I got such a nice call from one of my social and musical idols, and when you get such a lovely call from the legendary Ted Nugent, well, you just can’t say no!”

Other choir members had similar concerns, but all doubts were first successfully doubted and then erased by calls from such towering Trump supporters as Gary Busey, Charlie Sheen, Mike Tyson, Hulk Hogen, and, naturally enough, Kid Rock. “When Scott Baio called me,” exclaimed another choir member, “well, I could not wait to go to southern Texas and build that wall!”

The choir has previously sung at key political events of other officials, including the swearing in of such “noble and great” world leaders as Mohammad-Rezā Shāh Pahlavi (Iran), Elfegio Monzón (Guatemala), and Augusto Pinochet (Chile). The choir is slated to sing “Hail to the Profit” at a celebration of American and Russian economic greatness at this spring’s Rosneft-Exxon merger meetings.

When asked about favorite songs to sing while working on the Trump-inspired public works project, the overwhelming favorite of the choir is the famous Primary song, “I have Two Little Hands.”*

*Item from this completely true news article have been stolen from social media without any attempts to give credit to those who invented all of these truths. 

NEARLY LETHAL CARBON MONOXIDE LEAK UNDETECTED IN HIGH PRIEST GROUP MEETING

Alpine, UT—A nearly lethal carbon monoxide leak at a church in Alpine Utah went completely undetected by the high priest’s group meeting in the room. The leak, resulting from a malfunctioning heating system, caused many of the older priesthood holders to cough excessively while rendering other attendees completely unresponsive. 

Emergency crews were late arriving at the scene because people looking through the classroom window did not detect anything out-of-the-ordinary when they say the breathless, wheezing, or passed-out high priests. EMTs commented that there would have been many fatalities had the class not been interrupted by an older woman who entered the room because she had reportedly left her gum in her husband’s suit pocket. 

While precautions will be taken to prevent future incidents, the ward’s high priest group leadership will not repeat that day’s lessons, because, in their words, “I’d say we still got out of it what we normally do.” 

YOUTH VOICES: I CAN’T DECIDE IF I WANT TO BE PART OF A ROYAL GENERATION OR HAVE SEX

Yep, that’s one option...

Commentary by Kaitlyn Gledhill

Well, so, I really like church and all, and my Young Women’s leaders are super cool, but I’m still not sure if I want to be, you know, a valiant, virtuous woman of God or if I want to have sex. I mean it sounds really cool to be part of a Royal Generation and to save myself for after my temple sealing, but sometimes I just wanna hold hands and kiss and then rub and then let him rub and then…well, you know.

A few weeks ago we had a Stake Standards night, and they talked about wolves eating you if you get off the path and cliffs and falling into dirty water or something and then something about staying in some boat I think or lighthouses…I’m not sure. Honestly, I really didn’t get all of it, I mean Chad texted me like halfway through and stuff, but yah it was really interesting stuff. What I got was that it would be a really, really terrible thing to do, I mean really terrible, like, scary bad. I just can’t imagine…well, until, you know, I kinda start to imagine…

So anyways that’s where I’m at, you know, trying to decide between the whole righteous and worthy Daughter of God thing and...well...sometimes, I have, like this just craving, like some itch that you really, really, really want to scratch…and...you know…stuff... 

HEAVEN HOPES SELF-RIGHTEOUS COUPLE WILL PULL AWAY FROM CHURCH

Nurturing Hands, not Frighten Protecting Hands

Celestial Kingdom—Heavenly sources indicated this week that there is widespread celestial hope that the seemingly well-meaning but inadvertently damage-inflicting couple who tried to explain how to not pull away from the church might themselves soon pull away from the church.

“Yes, we get it,” said one angelic source, “the couple is convinced that some people just get lazy or casual or whatnot.” The celestial source then went on that, “what they don’t see is that wonderful, loving, grateful, hard-working, and courageously devoted people don’t always follow their path to God.”

Another heavenly source confirmed that besides self-righteousness, the couple reinforced an “us-versus-them” and even a “siege” mentality, a sense that the “faithful” need to protect themselves for “the wicked,” from “the deceivers,” and from “the philosophies of men.” The source explained that this means seeing other ideas and other people as the enemy, and seeing others as the enemy is the very enmity that is the core of Satanic pride. “It is rather frightening,” added that source, “how easily the Devil’s most powerful tool, enmity (pride), can be used to do what some people see as God’s work.” 

“Of course the whole ‘pulling away from the church’ thing is a problem,” continued a third source. The source explained that “we hope all feel free to contribute to building a place on earth where all of God’s children can be inspired and grow in the ways God wants.” The seraphic source concluded that “the eternal reality is that pulling away can be part of God’s path for some of God’s children, and while we don’t actually want the self-righteous couple to pull away, we do want them to say and act in a completely opposite spirit from that of their short-sighted, misguided ‘advice.’”

CHURCH ENCOURAGES FAKE NEWS WHISTLEBLOWERS BY OFFERING REDUCED TITHING RATE

Salt Lake City, UT—After many years and countless meetings about how to handle the problem of fake news about the church, leaders in Salt Lake have announced that they will encourage members to warn church leadership and others about fake news by offering such whistleblowers a 1.5% reduction in their annual tithing rate.

“For too long now,” said Neal Albert Widtsoe McConkie, head of the Church’s Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation, “members have been duped, they have been deceived by the great deceiver and his clever, clever wiles, for he is a wily one, and he is not above cheap, low, and very unfunny attempts to deceive the innocent, the pure, and those who faithfully believe everything that says ‘Mormon’ on the world wide interwebs.”

The new program, dubbed “Faithful Finders of the False and Unfunny,” rewards the vigilant with what Widtsoe McConkie calls, “God’s way of giving back and sign of appreciation” in the form of a tithing rate at 8.5% instead of the normal 10%. In addition, the head of the Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation also promised that valiant whistleblowers “should feel completely free to faithfully pay on their net instead of their gross.”

Fake news, especially with the proliferation of information via social media, has been a very, very, very serious concern for the Brethren “for a very, very, very long time” explained DOFNPFF head Widtsoe McConkie. He elaborated that such leaders “have heard the cries of your innocent siblings and ward members, the broken hearts of people who believed that the church had banned baptisms of children of Republicans or who had believed that Temple Square was decorated for Halloween or that Captain Moroni had a wife named Brenda.” 

Widstoe McConkie concluded, “remain faithful, little flock, for truth shall overcome!”

UPON QUESTIONING CELESTIAL POLYGAMY, DISAPPOINTED AREA MAN FACES GRIM POSSIBILITY OF MAKING CURRENT MARRIAGE WORK

Something Carlstrom’s Pondering

Provo, UT—Area man Clint Carlstrom has admitted that he is facing “some pretty grim realities” now that he has started to question his long-cherished belief in celestial polygamy.

“Sure, we don’t talk about it much at church,” explained brother Carlstrom, “but in the back of my mind (and sometimes not all that far back!) I have always pictured, you know, a nice variety of celestial wives I would spend the eternities with.” This long-held belief has been a comfort to Carlstrom through his 17 years of marriage, especially when his wife Jordan “hasn’t quite been, you know, enough.”

This all started to unravel for Carlstrom when he heard some people talking about how “celestial polygamy” might not actually be a valid, core Mormon belief. “Once I started to consider this,” said Carlstrom, “you know, that maybe this isn’t really a thing, then all of the sudden I had to deal with some pretty difficult realities.”

Among those “difficult realities” was the idea that, again in Carlstrom’s words, “I’d just have to actually make my current marriage work.” At first this thought seemed terrible, especially in light of all of the things he had let slide, trusting that other wives would eventually “fill in any remaining gaps in my marriage or life.”

But over time Carlstrom has found many, as he calls them, “silver linings” to the otherwise dark cloud of doubt about celestial polygamy. “You know,” he elaborated, “once I came to grips with the idea that this is it, then I got more serious about making a great friendship and partnership with Jordan.” Carlstrom stated that, “I started to ask serious questions about how realistic my expectations were for marriage and about how I could make this marriage complete and celestial for both of us.”

The most powerful part of the whole process for Carlstrom was considering “how I might have always been keeping part of myself back from Jordan, you know, with the idea that I could save some parts of me for those I would be married to later.” About these thoughts brother Carlstrom said, “that has really caused some profound soul-searching, to be honest.”

For her part, Jordan Carlstrom had never considered that her husband may have been holding back when it came to their marriage because of common Mormon notions of celestial polygamy. When asked to respond, she replied, “well, that certainly explains the withdrawal, the holding back, and the sense that our marriage was somehow haunted by things I could not see—it has been haunted by his imaginary future wives!” 

When asked about her thoughts on celestial polygamy, Sister Carlstrom said, “well, if you think about the impact that a specific belief has, well then it’s pretty clear to me how messed up that crap is!”

10 TIPS ON HOW TO NOT HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

HEAVENLY MOTHER STILL GOING BACK AND FORTH ABOUT WHAT TO WEAR FOR NEXT VISION

Winning Pantone Color-of-the-Year Colors
Inspired by Heavenly Mother

HEAVEN—In anticipation of an upcoming appearance that Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father have planned to some yet-to-be-named mortals, Heavenly Mother is still having trouble pinning down exactly what She’d like to wear.

“I always love to wear blue, and it seems really celestial,” She reported, “but anything deep bronze matches my complexion so well!” She also spoke about Her affinity for cream, aquamarine, emerald, garnet, and fuchsia. “I would love to go classic black,” She said, “but I’m not sure humans are really ready for that.”

In her efforts to find just the right thing to wear, Heavenly Mother reported that Her Husband had “not really been all that helpful with this.” In response, Heavenly Father commented that “well, being from eternity to eternity has its advantages, but it also gives you lots of time to look at different outfit combinations.” He added that “even being omniscient, I have to say that they all end up kind of blurring together after a few millennia.”

For her part Heavenly Mother noted that it has always been a lot easier for the Men when They have appeared to humans in the past. She explained that, “yah, well They just show up in white, with robes, bare feet and beards, you know, like the ways that the Greeks always pictured Us, and I guess that is fine, but I think it is time for humanity to have a clearer sense of their Heavenly Parents.”

Though the exact timing of the planned vision was unclear, it does seem that Heavenly Mother has some time to make a final decision. She concluded that, “I’m getting closer, I think, on the outfit, but I’m nowhere near a decision on what shoes I’m going to wear!” 

SALT LAKE TRIBUNE REMINDS MORMONS HOW TO REALLY SHAME

Commentary by Blaine Reid

You can almost feel the evil hidden behind that smile!

Let’s face it, we Mormons have gotten lazy! What happened to the good-old days when we vehemently spoke out against the evils of tattoos, men with beards and no socks, and how communism was poised to drag us all to hell? If we are truly to be God’s light upon a hill, we must more actively point the spotlight on the chests of those who would distract us from the Truth. And that light should burn a holy letter of scarlet upon the iniquitous!

In the face of our complacency, God has given a sort of new, prophet-like voice: Scott D. Pierce. Mr. Pierce (who we only hope is also Brother Pierce!) has shown us again how to really shame those who might pervert God’s true path. Sure, Mr. Pierce does it about a Mormon author, but that Mormon guy doesn’t even live in Utah, so how “Mormon” could he really be? 

And Mr. Pierce knows that putting the shameful elements right at the front will set the fires of rage and shame going, reminding us of the holy anger we should feel. Mr. Pierce wisely uses a quote to prove that the subject of our public shaming is worthy of our ridicule. Of course the quote is from eight years ago, but we all know that those ideas must be eternal and unchanging for one speaking such evil! Of course our views would never change over such a key issue, even in eight years. We all always choose the right ideas!

Mr. Pierce reminds us Mormons to get back to our roots—our powerful desire to shame those who see things in an evil, perverted way. He uses wonderful quotes from others to show how all good and wise people will shun such an evil influence. Mr. Pierce wakes us from our sleep of complacency to remind us that if you don’t believe the right ways, then everything you do or would do is inevitably tainted, perverted, and twisted, if not downright evil. 

We stand all amazed, Mr. Pierce, at your sterling example of how we can use shaming to make Mormonism great again!

BYU ANNOUNCES NEW VETTING CHECK SHEETS FOR POTENTIAL BOYFRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS

PROVO, UT—BYU’S Vetting Services office has announced revised potential boyfriend and girlfriend vetting check sheets.  The check sheets, to be filled out by roommates, examine the most important categories and attributes one would want in a long term partner.  Both new check sheets are provided below.

SALT LAKE REJECTS NEW WARD BOUNDARIES; ACCUSES STAKE OF GERRYMANDERING

Artist's Rendition of the Proposed Stake Boundaries

Salt Lake City, UT—Mormon Church leadership has rejected proposed ward boundaries in the new South Essex Stake in Essex Massachusetts. The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has learned that the boundaries have been rejected because of what one source calls “obvious, blatant gerrymandering.”

Among the many irregularities discovered were ward boundaries that actually cut through several homes. When asked to explain why some ward boundaries cut through individual residences, Church leaders were told that “well, sometimes one ward needs the Priesthood holder because he is the center for the ward’s basketball team but the other ward needs the kids for the youth program.”

Even more unusual was the discovery of a ward boundary that cuts right through the bedroom of an apartment. Local leaders explained that “yah, a lovely retired couple lives there, so one ward got the sister because she makes homemade sacrament bread and the other ward got the husband because he’s been in the scouting program for 47 years.” While denying the accusation of “horse-trading” among ward leaders, one source who wants to remain anonymous admitted that “warm, fresh sacrament bread is a fair swap for a descent scout master.”

Church leaders found that another ward had several pockets of ward members inside other wards. When asked to explain that situation, local leaders clarified that “the former stake president has kids throughout the stake, you know, they are a large, established LDS family here in Massachusetts.” They added that the former leader is “afraid either his wife or his children will stop going to church if the whole family can’t go together.” The former stake president’s wife, in a note attached to the boundary documentation, commented that “it is just easier for everyone to come over every Sunday for dinner if we all have church together.”

This is not the first time ward boundaries have been rejected amid allegations of gerrymandering. One source told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer of a stake that tried to make a ward that packed together “all of the most out-of-control Primary children” with leadership taken from the stake’s various psychological and criminology experts. Salt Lake explained that “the Lord wants those little bundles-of-energy and opportunities-for-adults-to-learn-patience spread more or less evenly throughout Zion.”

LDS SCIENTISTS DISCOVER LAW OF CONSERVATION OF MISSIONARY MASS

Scientific conclusions made with math like this
but with skinny and fat missionaries

Provo, UT—Scientists at BYU’s Center for Physics, Heath, and Tracting announced this week the discovery of a law governing the total mass of all currently serving missionaries. C-PHaT scientists have proven that, although the mass of some missionaries in places like Brazil might go down, that decrease is balanced by mass gain for missionaries serving in places like the US Mountain West.

“We have proven that the total mass of all combined missionaries is a constant, even though individual missionaries may fluctuate, proving an absolute conservation of missionary mass,” stated Dr. Joyce Floyd, a fellow at C-PHaT. Dr. Floyd added that, “what this proves is that the total mass of missionaries is an eternal constant that can never be created nor destroyed.”

The discoveries Dr. Floyd and her colleagues have made were inspired by observations made in some wards in the eastern United States. In one ward, a sister missionary in Brazil had lost 40 pounds in her first six months. This was of course of interest to C-PHaT scientists, but they also found that, in the same ward, two other missionaries serving in the Mountain West had gained 20 pounds each. Said Dr. Floyd’s colleague, Dr. Drew Brunick, “when we saw this conservation of missionary mass, we had to see if this was an isolated incident or part of God’s unchanging laws of proselyting physics.”

With data from the church via monthly missionary reports, C-PHaT discovered the eternal principle of missionary mass conservation. Dr. Floyd noted that even when some missionaries “finally shed a few pounds at the end, just before they go home,” this loss of mass was countered by the gains in “missionaries who finally got used to all that weird, foreign food, and who even planned on bringing some home.” 

THE ALL-PURPOSE CHURCH TALK

No Need to Fear; We have got you Covered!

Need a church talk in a pinch? Did a speaker not show up? Did you forget you were supposed to speak? Are you just too plain hungover to write one? The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is here for you. Below is the All-Purpose Church Talk. We provide the talk; you fill in the blank what whatever you were supposed to talk about.

Dear Brothers and Sisters. I am grateful to speak with you today about ______.  I must admit that I had mixed feelings in getting this assignment and in the preparation of my remarks for you today. I have felt excited, apprehensive, one could even say there have been moments blighted by the infamous “stupor of thought.” Still, in spite of struggles both spiritual and intellectual, I think I can express all of the thoughts that have come to me on this vital and central church doctrine.

I don’t want to fall into the old cliché of the dictionary definition of ______. I think that we all know what it means. And I don’t want to go through an entire list of scriptures, passages that may only relate at best tangentially to this crucial doctrine. In fact, I think it is perhaps best to say that ______ is closely link, even inseparably linked, with other essential gospel elements and principles. Those inextricably bound correlatives include [insert some topics which you have recently spoken on, heard about, thought about, or just use “sacrifice” and “family prayer”].  When we link [what you just said] and ______, we notice how these principles are interwoven in a vast tapestry of truth and light.

As mentioned previously, prophets from the Old Testament knew about ______, and some of their writings, even if they are now lost elements of their oral history, attest to its importance. New Testament prophets, coming as they did in the meridian of time, naturally embraced this central concept. This concept was not unknown to those in Book of Mormon lands as current scriptures or future records demonstrate. Our modern day prophets have not only embraced it, but they have offered their own insights and perspectives, something that meets the needs of saints living now in the latter days. ______ is so important, so vital for our spiritual growth that I challenge each one of you to go back though the most recent General Conference, paying careful attention to what the speakers and the Spirit tell you about _______. Clearly ______ is important to the Lord, as prophetic writings demonstrate. If the Lord has placed so much emphasis on it, how can we not search into it, ponder its implications for our lives, and see it bless our lives and the lives of those we love.

I think we not only all understand ______ better and have a stronger grasp of its importance to God, but I hope you feel invited to conduct your own study of it. My ideas cannot be a substitute for what you will get, and what I have said will be unclear to you if you don’t do the work yourself of studying it out, pondering it, and applying it in your life. I would add that talks like this one often inspire us to more action instead of simply trying to fill us with knowledge or ideas, since passively being filled does not engage our agency and lead to real growth.

[if you still have lots of time, take this detour]: Still, before leaving ______ and drawing my message to a close, it think it is valuable to consider [mention a new topic that you can ramble on about to fill the remaining time, and make it seem connected to the assigned topic. Suggested new topics include: faith, Kolob, how the church might grow and change with the colonization of Mars, etc.]

I know it is a cliché, but I admit that I am the one who learned most about this topic because of this talk, though hopefully you are just as edified as I have been. How often does it seem that the Lord carries the message that others need to hear with or without the aid of whoever is actually speaking? Our time has truly been well spent as we have pondered ______ together this day.

[Finish with your testimony, tears optional].

DESERET BOOK ADDS NEW TITLES TO TIMOTHY BALLARD'S HYPOTHESIS SERIES

MOTHER OF LDS BRIDE MISTAKENLY BELIEVES SHE HAS ANY SAY IN MARRIAGE PLANS

The older Sister Harris requested no jumping pictures;
little does she know there will be jumping pictures.

Gilbert, AZ—Area mother Madeleine Harris is currently working under the delusion that she will have any real say in the planning of her daughter’s upcoming wedding.

“Well, I just told her she can’t get married over Christmas, since that’s already such a stressful time,” said the mother who erroneously believes that such input will, in the end, make any difference in her daughter’s decision of when to get married. Sister Harris, whose daughter Rachel is currently “engaged to be engaged,” expressed her displeasure with that ambiguous statement, clarifying to Rachel that she is “either engaged or not engaged!” Rachel listened to her mother, allowing her to believe that the complaint made any difference whatsoever, and then continued to look for a ring, find a wedding date, wait for Eric to formally propose, and generally enjoy this exciting process and time.

For his part Brother Allen Harris entertains fewer notions of his influence in his daughter’s impending nuptials, though he does mistakenly believe that the “40 minute, thoughtful and useful conversation” he had with her about goals, planning for the future, and other discussions about married life she should have with her future husband was actually useful for the young Sister Harris.

Both Brother and Sister Harris look forward with considerable anxiety to their oldest child’s wedding, and while on the surface they believe that their insights, wisdom, and needs should be important, deep down but still unbeknownst to them, they hope their daughter will begin to develop her independence and reliance on her new relationship as she plans her wedding.

When the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer contacted LDS marriage and family expert and mother of 7 married children Cheryl Brown, Doctor Brown said that, “my research indicates that sooner or later every bride gives her mother a look that says, ‘listen, you can show up at this time and this place with a checkbook or not, but this is how this marriage is going down!’” Brown said it is a conflictive, important, memorable, and touching moment.

MAN IN PRIMARY ENJOYS TREMENDOUS, UNMERITED PRAISE

Spring’s go-to class color page

College Park, GA—College Park Ward member Kevin Springs, who teaches the CTR 7 class, enjoys almost overwhelming and mostly unmerited praise for simply being a man and teaching in the Primary.

“I’ve got say,” explained brother Springs, “when I got this calling I was surprised and a little thrown.” Springs elaborated that “once I got around all of the Primary leaders and others, I found out that all I had to do was the minimum and everyone thought I was awesome!”

When asked about his calling, Springs said that “yah, Saturday afternoon I find a few videos to watch during class and then print a Sudoku puzzle or some pages to color for my lesson and I’m done.” He added that “it is all pretty simple and chill, but the Bishopric, Primary President, and most of the parents look at me like I just got back from the beaches at Normandy!”

Unmerited praise for being a man doing something traditionally associated with women is not new for Spring. As he mentioned, “it is just like when I used to take the baby or a couple of kids grocery shopping and people, especially women, just fell all over themselves with admiration.” Spring associated this praise with how Priesthood leaders would encourage men to willingly “babysit” their own children so that the wives could attend Relief Society activities. 

Spring is enjoyed the unearned praise he gets for simply sitting in Sharing and Singing Time with his class, but he knows that, if he and his wife ever divorced, the default would be her getting custody of the children, since kids rarely go to the “babysitter.”  

POINT: JOINING THE CHURCH HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON

Kolob is right there!

By Mark Daniels

I cannot tell you how much better my life is now that I’ve joined the church! Having the missionaries come over and teach me has been an amazing, eye-opening experience. Before they came, I had no idea about Kolob, tannic acid in tea, or how all other baptisms are as useless as running around in the rain. It is essential truths like these that have pointed me in this new direction in my life!

Truth has not been the only exhilarating source of joy for me. Now I have a whole new set of friends, people who seem so happy, so joyfully lifted up above the world and all of its petty cares and sins. I see my pre-church life as so small, so trivial, and so worthless; everything now has an exalted, celestial importance. This of course has caused some friction with people from my past, people still caught up in their worldly ways, but I pray for them that they will eventually come to a knowledge of the truth.

What this change has really brought me is love. I love, for example, how we love children of gay parents enough to not cause them conflicts between home and church. I love how much I value God and God’s creations, and God’s children so much more now. Being a Mormon, I feel like when I serve others, it is because I see their real value in God’s eyes.

Everything is better now that I’m Mormon!

COUNTERPOINT: LEAVING THE CHURCH HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON

This movie is essentially about Mormons!

By Danielle Marks

I cannot tell you how much better my life is now that I’ve left the church! Learning the truth from friends and the Internet has been an amazing, eye-opening experience. Before that, I had no idea about church history controversies, confirmation bias, gaslighting, or how the church is simply a corporate, homophobic, racist, hate group involved in a dark power grab. It is essential truths like these that have pointed me in this new direction in my life!

Truth has not been the only exhilarating source of joy for me. Now I have a whole new set of friends, people who seem so happy, so joyfully lifted up above Mormonism and all its judgmental tendencies and gross neglect. I see my past church life as so small, so trivial, and so worthless; everything now has a deeper, more spiritual importance. This of course has caused some friction with people from my past, people still caught up in their small-minded, naïve ways, but I hope that they will eventually come to see the real truth of things.

What this change has really brought me is love. I love, for example, how I see the abusive ways that Mormons drill into people that they should only have sex inside of covenant relationships, when we all know that real love spreads itself out, especially sexually, among many, many people, and that it only grows by being spread! I love how much I value the Earth and other people so much more now. As an Ex-Mormon, I feel like when I serve others, it is because I see their real value.

Everything is better now that I’m no longer a Mormon!

NEW LDS DATING WEBSITE EXCLUSIVELY FOR FORMER APs, STLs

Salt Lake City, UT—This morning, in a move to meet the “important needs of some of our greatest saints,” the LDS Church announced a new dating website exclusively for former Assistants to the President and Sister Training Leaders.

“These are special Elders and Sisters,” said church spokesman Lavernal Jorgenson, “and ExtraRighteous & EternallyConnected will keep them together and keep them special for time and all eternity.”

Reaction to the website has been almost universally positive, reported Jorgenson. “These former missionaries want to meet others who felt great responsibilities to care for, guide, and lead God’s chosen servants,” explained Jorgenson. He then added, “Oh, and they want to have a partner who is also willing to equate righteousness with one’s calling, so that’s also a bonus.”

Mission presidents had long called for such a website. Brother Eric Taylor, former mission president for the Bakersfield, California mission said that “this will put together young people who have mastered essential leadership skills that are perfect for the church, for families, and for relationships to thrive, skills like self-righteous manipulation, emotional coercion, and the exploitation of the shame and guilt of others.”

Missionaries who never served in these exalted, almost celestial callings are also applauding the Church’s decision. Said Angie Clarkson, who is one of the “just served” missionaries, “I had a first date with a really nice guy, but in the first 15 minutes he managed to work into the conversation that he had been an AP in his mission, and I could see the disappointment in his eyes when I could not say that I had been an STL.” Concluded Clarkson, “I wanted to tell him where he could go with that sort of attitude. Now I know another place he can go with that sort of attitude!” 

MY FAITH CRISIS: THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

Jon McNaughton:
The Official Painter of God and His Political Party

By Clint Reston

Please don’t get the wrong idea from the title—I still have a strong testimony that God works through His earthly, political party, the Republican party, but I have to admit that after some things I have seen on the Internet, I have experienced a painful and confusing faith crisis. I hope that, by talking about my trial, I can help those who might face a similar dilemma.

I was raised in the Republican party, and even as a youth I rejoiced when the Lord put righteous and wise Bush after Bush as President to stay that dreadful day when the constitution will hang by a thread.

God’s blessed Bushes did His work of righteously defending this chosen land by sending our armies far, far away to fight in places like Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq. Where Captain Moroni built defenses, modern day representatives of God have taken a more pro-active approach, often with the aid of God’s instruments of peace, tomahawk missiles. How blessed we have been with leaders successfully dealing with natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina, establishing ethical and just correctional facilities in Iraq and elsewhere, and preventing economic crisis until the moment that God needed an economic crisis to punish the greedy and wicked!

Republicans alone have correct priorities: big government when it comes to the military, social security, or helping big corporations in need, and small government when it comes to worthless or destructive things like food stamps, veterans benefits, mental health assistance, universal healthcare, and other parasitic, satanic, socialist programs.

Much of that righteous goodness, of course, came to an end with President Obama. While God may have allowed gas prices to go down, improved overall employment and economic conditions, allowed more Americans to have healthcare than ever, and set up better relationships between the US and countries like Iran and Cuba, those are just examples of how God allows the wicked to seem to succeed for a season until they are inevitably punished for their abominations.

Worst of all, now gay marriage has been forced upon us, and the destruction and calamities that prophets have foretold are just about to be poured out upon us, I mean any minute now!

To learn about the Republicans God is calling in our current times, I have to admit that I sought information from a source that apostles have warned us about: the Internet. To their inspired voices I add my own: do not trust anything on the Internet, especially if it says that the honorable Mr. Cruz or Mr. Trump is sexist, racist, Islamophic, homophobic, xenophobic, unkind to the handicapped, says bad words, is a bully or an idiot, encourages fear, hatred, anger, and/or violence, or is not an excellent businessman or is not a man of perfect chastity and moral virtue. Especially don’t believe anything that the Internet tells you Mr. Trump has said about Mr. Cruz or vice versa or anything that the Internet might tell you about what Mitt Romney has said about either one. Mitt would never say such things, because he knows that a house divided cannot prosper, and God will not let His earthly party falter.

If you have accidentally come across troubling information on the Internet, here are two answers that will get you through.

First, doubt your doubts. You know you can trust that all Republicans are from God and all Democrats are from Satan. If you have doubts, doubt your doubts until your dubious doubts prove their dubiousness, and, like the day dawn is breaking, you doubt no longer!

Second, read the Book of Mormon. That divine record will reassure you that God still only inspires Republicans. Republicans embrace the truth that God wants us to be self-sufficient and to not rely on the government, or, as it says in Alma, “…every man fared in this life according to the management of the creature; therefore every man prospered according to his genius, and that every man conquered according to his strength” (Alma 30:17). That quote and the whole book make it clear that we need to look out for ourselves, that beggars won’t learn to take care of themselves if we give them handouts (welfare, food stamps, healthcare, education, etc.) and that people who are being killed in their own country should not be allowed to just come here and settle.

If you are having a faith crisis from lies you have found on the Internet, hold fast to this message of absolute self-reliance and God’s inspired priorities as found in His earthy vessel, the Republican party, amen.

RECENT MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER HEADLINES YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

CHURCH AGREES TO HOLD JEREMY RUNNELLS’ DISCIPLINARY COURT ON FACEBOOK

Salt Lake City, UT—The church announced this morning that the disciplinary action recently called for against Jeremy Runnells would “not be confined to the privacy of a stake office” but would instead be carried out over social media.

According to a statement from the church, “we appreciate Brother Runnells’ efforts to speak to a large LDS audience” clarifying that, since statements from his stake president will still protect Brother Runnells’ privacy and will be held confidential, doing the council on Facebook “will give social media a complete look at all of one side.”

Offering a thorough view of one side seems to be Brother Runnells forte, so clearly the church is taking a wise step in having all of his arguments presented with no additional context or qualifying information.

When asked if members like Patrick Q Mason, Fiona and Terryl Givens, Randell Bowen, FairMormon, or others might be available for the social media disciplinary council, the church said that “well, if all of those people, their time, efforts, and expertise don’t seem to matter to Runnells, then that makes it pretty clear that they are all worthless.” The church added that since Runnells insists that his stake president answer his questions, and since his stake president must be an expert in all of those areas, and since that stake president does not have a job, family, or other personal matters, and since said stake president does not have other stake members with any physical, spiritual, emotional, or intellectual needs, then it is that stake president’s job to answer Runnells’ questions to Runnells’ satisfaction without, of course, that leader commenting on social media about any of his efforts.

The church also expressed gratitude for those “brave, pioneer saints” who paved the way for people like Brother Runnells’ to have his say in the “Facebook courts of truth.” The church specifically thanked saints like John Dehlin for his efforts, including posting online the transcript of his confidential disciplinary council. Besides Dehlin, the church thanked Kate Kelly for “bravely keeping everyone up to date on every element of her side of her case” in addition to posting on Facebook the names and work contact information for her stake presidency. The church added that “though some of that information may have later been deleted or modified, Kate was sure to keep people in a fairly constant state of agitation and surely helped some contact her stake leadership and their families, all of which must have been a blessing for everyone involved!”

In addition to expressing this gratitude, the church noted thankfully that Runnells, Dehlin, Kelly, and others had so effectively used social media to “really shake up those complacent Mormons who naively believe that making and keeping covenants, loving and serving others, and sincerely trying to live by Christ’s invitation to follow Him are NOT enough, and that all members should be overwhelmingly troubled by all social injustice, inequality, and doctrinal and historical ambiguities so that those things eclipse all other considerations and priorities.” 

Finally, the church expressed appreciation for the love and cultural sensitivity shown by the above mentioned saints who treat the church like “God’s big family.” “What those saints have done,” concluded the statement, is important, “since we all know that using individual power as a bludgeon to embarrass and shame is only part of the way we show love in families. The other part is posting pictures of it on Instagram or starting a foundation to celebrate it.”  

WRITERS, STAFF, EDITORS OF THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER ASCEND INTO...SOMETHING

Like that but in Utah and it was only me looking

This is Carl. I, uh, work for the janitorial staff here at the Church Office building. Yah, so yesterday morning, I got here really early ‘cuz I like to get here early Monday morning, you know, start my week off right. I usually clean the offices in the basement first, and the lowest level of the basement is usually the dirtiest and that is where the offices are for the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer. I never know what I’m going to find in there. One week they had a goat, boxes of string cheese, eight track tapes, glue guns, and like four hundred Christmas trees with little blue Book of Mormon lights on them. And it was June. A few weeks later there was this really confused family of eight from Guatemala that I think someone bought off of the dark web or something. Lots of weird stuff!

So anyway yesterday morning I got there real early, and wouldn’t you know it they was all there. The editorial people, I mean all thirty-seven of them were in the conference room along with most of the reporters. Elder Kory Anton was in his office writing something, I think his letter to the First Presidency about getting back to his mission. Shania Bender was in from Ohio, Gene Dyer, and Hannah Shelton from New Hampshire. It was like they all decided to get to work super early, and it was super busy.

So right then I seen this huge light, you know like one of those spotlights for where there’s a new store opening or something. Yah, so there was this light, and the whole place was just all white and lit up. It’s usually kinda dark down there, you know, on account of there not being windows since it’s in the basement, but I tell you it was as bright as noon up in the President’s office. Then I heard some noise, but I couldn’t make out what it was. It was like really loud mumbling. So all of the journalists and the staff, and even the interns that just make hot chocolate and copies and stuff, well they was all looking and listening. And then they all had like these really meh looks on their face, you know like when you remember something you have to do but you don’t care either way.

So right after they started looking meh, suddenly they all sort of lifted up, floated out the doors, up the stairs, and then right up into the sky. I followed’m, but I could hardly keep up. By the time I got outside I could just see the last ones, you know, like Barley B. Bratt and some of the sports staff disappearing into the clouds. It was the craziest thing. 

I must’of been staring for a while, ‘cuz then there was two guys who looked like they were from the temple came and says to me, “ye man of Sandy, why stand ye gazing up into heaven?” I told them that I thought that all of the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer people had, like, flown up to heaven, and they told me something like “these same…reporters and editors, which are taken up from you, um, I’m not sure they were going to heaven exactly.”

AREA MAN HOPING THAT MORE OBEDIENCE WILL SILENCE DEEP-SEATED FEARS, FEELINGS OF UNWORTHINESS, SHAME

“More obedience is always the answer
and will make it all clear, right?”

Boca Raton, FL—Area man David Brill has unconsciously decided that more obedience, including more scripture reading, missionary work, and temple attendance, will silence his deep-seated fears and feelings of unworthiness and shame.

Brother Brill is known to everyone in the Boca Raton West ward as faithful and easy-going. “Oh, yah, nothing gets Dave down,” reported Jeremy Knowlton, his High Priest group leader. He continued that “Dave is just one of those stalwart saints, you know, doing whatever is asked without complaints or worries.”

What Brother Knowlton and others in the ward do not know, and what David Brill would scarcely admit to himself, is that recent events in his life and in the church have led to difficult questions. David’s elderly parents have drifting into an old age that has brought financial distress, sickness, and despair. Brother Brill often wonders why God would ask these humble, faithful people that he loves so much to pass through such pain.

Brother Brill’s suffering parents are not his only questions and fears. Years of committed church service always helped him feel safe and secure in the sense of place and purpose that the gospel gives him. But as he sees so many good people doing great service in other churches, the idea that he is in the “only true and living church” seems at least questionable. Brother Brill’s gnawing questions include wondering how God would only be leading Mormons and how everyone else could be in error.

Difficult questions like these as well as others have caused Brother Brill to feel adrift and sometimes even out of place at church. These questions, which he views as doubts that reveal a lack of faith, have also caused an unacknowledged sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, and even shame. These feelings have only been compounded by what he understands as God’s exacting standards of perfection and flawlessness.

Lacking the skills, perspective, network of trusted, wise friends, and assistance he needs to acknowledge, understand, and address his concerns, and finding no place to do so at church, Brother Brill has unconsciously decided to increase his scripture study by an extra 15 minutes, to pray for more missionary opportunities, and to attended the temple one additional time each month. Little does Brother Brill know that this additional obedience will not make his questions and fears go away. When his extra righteousness does not alleviate his doubts and fears, Brother Brill will in fact experience even more doubts, fear, and shame. Time will only tell if this will cause Brother Brill to fall deeper into despair, to find relief in some form of unquestioning fanaticism, or whether he will seek the skills and help he will need to learn to honestly, faithfully, and bravely examine and make peace with his feelings and concerns. 

WOLVES IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING: CAFETERIA MORMONS

Commentary by Dale Jennings

When our church leaders speak the Lord’s words, they expect us to listen and obey. We know that it is only by exact obedience that we can be sure that Satan won’t slowly turn up the temperature on our pot until we are spiritually boiled to death. Strict faith and obedience to each and every word from God is why the real danger that the church faces today isn’t from ISIS or Obama or even Caitlyn Jenner. No, what threatens to destroy God’s work today are cafeteria Mormons.

Cafeteria Mormons have the false, satanic idea that they can pick and choose what words of God they want to listen to and obey. They love one apostle (usually Uchtdorf!) and resist God’s word as given by others (like Packer!). They love some scriptures, like King Benjamin’s speech or Christ letting the prostitute off the hook, but disregard others, like how it was obedience and not grace that saved Noah or how God commanded Abraham and Nephi to kill when God found it necessary.

What cafeteria Mormons fail to realize is that each and every word of scripture, of revelation, and in the manuals and handbooks go together perfectly, completely, and harmoniously. It is either all true or it is all false—that is just how it is. If this offends your ideas and if you want to reject the Biblical truth of how Jacob used rods to produce more striped, speckled, and spotted lambs for himself (Genesis 30) or if you want to reject how God used a sea monster to punish Jonah, then you can kick against the pricks and jeopardize your soul.

When cafeteria Mormons are truly wolves in sheep’s clothing is when they start to infect others with their diseased doubts. They show an appalling lack of humility when they question a church policy or when they wonder aloud if social or cultural ideas influence God’s revelations to His chosen vessels. Sometimes they claim “personal revelation,” but we all know that no personal revelation that is really from God would ever be even slightly different from what God tells His leaders. The Comforter confirms—that is all! Case closed.

Of course some of these deceived and too often deceiving “Mormons” assemble in apostate groups and conferences or exchange ideas in that cesspool of falsehood that is the “Bloggernacle,” but they are sometimes even seen in our stakes, wards, or homes. Every effort should be made to avoid them, and thereby quarantine their infectious ideas. It may seem unkind or cruel, but we know that God has commanded his righteous in ancient times to kill every apostate man, woman, and child, and it is better that we insulate ourselves from them and their wickedness to avoid dealing with doubts or questions about God’s words. Avoiding, shunning, and shaming those who fail to successfully doubt all of their doubts is clearly God’s loving way of keeping His innocent and trusting sheep safe. 

QUESTION NOT TO ASK AS PART OF THE FACE TO FACE WITH ELDER RASBAND, SISTER OSCARSON, AND BROTHER OWEN

On January 20, 2016, youth can participate in a worldwide activity featuring a discussion with Elder Rasband, Sister Oscarson, and Brother Owen. 

OREGON STANDOFF HEADLINES YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

RECENTLY RETURNED MISSIONARY REVIEWS STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

Should be Called Star Wars: Stop Trying To Hold My Hand!

Sister Kaitlyn Burke has recently returned from serving for 18 months in the South Dakota, West mission. She writes Zion’s best movie reviews for Zion’s Finest News Source.

I told my family that if they agreed to do another hour of role-plays from Preach My Gospel then I would go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens with them. In case any of you are thinking about seeing it, here’s my review.

The movie’s overall message did not offend my spirit. In fact, for those who are attuned, they can see that this is what God wants you to get from the movie: if you are a scavenger, living off of the discarded scraps of others and never getting the real value for your work, or if you find yourself fighting on the wrong side of the battle between good and evil, then now is the time to abandon your current life, follow the Force/Holy Ghost, and enter the mission field. Let’s face it—if you don’t leave now, the Lord might destroy that whole place!

The movie also provides a clear warning to parents about not letting their children get off on the wrong path like Han and Leia’s son. What could have led him to such evil? Well, not only did he not go on a mission, but he learned evil instead of good. Take that as you will, but it probably means that he went to some overly permissive, sinful college like the University of Utah, Utah State, or BYU in Provo. Parents—if you are not going to protect children by sending them to a place where their agency will be used to always confidently and easily only choose the right, like BYU-I, then if they toast your insides with a lightsaber then that’s pretty much your fault.

As you can guess, I’ve been saving the most important, the crucial moment of the movie, for last. And you all know what I’m talking about, so I will just say that if she doesn’t want to hold his hand she shouldn’t have to. I mean they just met and she hardly knows him. Who knows where that hand has been? Even if he’s cute or fun, or even if her parents might really, really like him, if she doesn’t want to hold his hand then she should just be able to say “I don’t want to hold your hand” and everyone should be okay with that. They shouldn’t say that it is okay for you to hold hands with him if she doesn’t feel comfortable with that yet and everybody should just slow down and not pressure her so much to just go and hold hands with anybody who happens to be running around with her, even if everyone thinks that is it no big deal, so just cool it people!

I’d say that the movie was okay, but given the choice of seeing it and being back in Hot Springs or Oglala really fighting the First Order that is sin, fear, and ignorance, give me the mission field any day!