Salt Lake City, UT—After many years and countless meetings about how to handle the problem of fake news about the church, leaders in Salt Lake have announced that they will encourage members to warn church leadership and others about fake news by offering such whistleblowers a 1.5% reduction in their annual tithing rate.
“For too long now,” said Neal Albert Widtsoe McConkie, head of the Church’s Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation, “members have been duped, they have been deceived by the great deceiver and his clever, clever wiles, for he is a wily one, and he is not above cheap, low, and very unfunny attempts to deceive the innocent, the pure, and those who faithfully believe everything that says ‘Mormon’ on the world wide interwebs.”
The new program, dubbed “Faithful Finders of the False and Unfunny,” rewards the vigilant with what Widtsoe McConkie calls, “God’s way of giving back and sign of appreciation” in the form of a tithing rate at 8.5% instead of the normal 10%. In addition, the head of the Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation also promised that valiant whistleblowers “should feel completely free to faithfully pay on their net instead of their gross.”
Fake news, especially with the proliferation of information via social media, has been a very, very, very serious concern for the Brethren “for a very, very, very long time” explained DOFNPFF head Widtsoe McConkie. He elaborated that such leaders “have heard the cries of your innocent siblings and ward members, the broken hearts of people who believed that the church had banned baptisms of children of Republicans or who had believed that Temple Square was decorated for Halloween or that Captain Moroni had a wife named Brenda.”
Widstoe McConkie concluded, “remain faithful, little flock, for truth shall overcome!”