The Alternative Guide to Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day.

Wednesday, August 1 marks Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, when those who approve of Chick-fil-A’s stance against gay marriage will eat at their local Chick-fil-A franchise. Other groups will also be showing their support for various forms of marriage by eating at various restaurants. To make sure our readers don’t get caught making the wrong political statement at lunch, following is an official list of which groups will be eating where.

Those who support heterosexual monogamy will be eating at Chick-fil-A.

Those who support homosexual monogamy will be eating at Ben and Jerry's.

Those who support Britney Spears' marriages will be eating at In-and-Out Burgers.

Those who support concubinage will be eating at Hooters.

Those who support onanism will be eating at One-Man Band.

Those who support platonic marriages will eat at Coldstone Creamery.

Those who support polyandry will be eating at Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

Those who support polygamy will be eating at any Brigham Young University campus.

All of Utah's Wienerschnitzel locations will be closed August 1 without comment.

And stay away from Outback. Just trust us. No one wants to see what will be going on there.