UNEXPECTED TEACHER ABSENCES ACROSS CHURCH CREATE DEEPENING PRIMARY REFUGEE CRISIS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—At a recent press conference, it was noted that a rising tide of unexpected teacher absences across the church is triggering an ever deepening crisis of Primary refugees. According to the Church’s High Commissioner on Primary Refugees, “every Sunday tens of thousands of children find themselves alone, disoriented, frightened, and spiritually malnourished when the adults they trust, their teachers, fail to deliver the weekly aid that they desperately need.”

The High Commissioner noted several shocking recent examples. “A few Sundays ago, in Madison, Wisconsin, several CTR 7s were left to forage for their own spiritual sustenance when neither of their teachers showed up,” explained the Commissioner. She went on, saying that “by the time we found them, frightened and huddled in a corner (and perhaps playing Minecraft on the tablet of one of the refugees), they seemed to have lost track entirely of why they had arrived at church in the first place.”

Fear about their future and a growing desperation (often masked by apathy, chit-chat, and Temple Run II) at ever getting their needs met has only exacerbated the refugee crisis.

The High Commissioner also noted that local leaders, often with resources stretched well beyond the breaking point, struggle to contain the flood of refugees. On this point the Commissioner noted that “a Primary President may try to find some parents to substitute or may try to see if other classes can absorb the sudden influx of spiritual asylum seekers. That sudden influx,” continued the Commissioner, “can jeopardize another community’s delicate social, cultural, and spiritual equilibrium, or worse, there may not be enough treats for everyone.”

 

The High Commissioner on Primary Refugees’ press conference has generated considerable conversation at all levels of the church. There are reports of efforts to give Primaries across the church better safeguards to prevent the spread of the crisis and resources to handle current problems. Unnamed sources suggest that fathers of Primary children may receive additional training “so that when a crisis presents itself, they can step in, meet the needs, and not just play hangman for 35 minutes.”

In contrast with the buzz generated by the High Commissioner on Primary Refugees, the Moderate Commissioner for Adult Sunday School Refugees has seen his single suggestion for stopping his problem roundly rejected. That suggestion was the formation of an adult foyer or lobby class to count as Sunday School for those (perhaps willingly) wandering adults.

LDS MEN, BOYS COMPETE TO APPEASE ANCIENT AMERICAN TURKEY GOD

Ancient American Turkey God attended by Ambulances

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Across the nation LDS men and boys will be meeting this week to engage in an annual ritual. That ritual is a ceremonial competition named for the ancient American god that it seeks to appease: the ward football game called the Turkey Bowl.

In a practice that has its roots in Cro-Magnon traditions, males both young and old battle to establish dominance and to appease the god. In this particular version, participants seek the great Turkey god’s favor by offering their time, energy, dignity, physical well-being, and usually several ACLs.

    

Anthropologists note that older males who participate are required to rest their bodies for an entire year before the competition. This is typically done by sitting for hours each day in office chairs. They are encouraged to watch competitions, but must do so from a couch and while gorging themselves on high calorie and low nutrient foodstuffs.

Younger males are allowed to lead active lives but are prepared in other ways. These ritual participants are trained with menial tasks like lawn mowing and merit badge acquisition. Such tasks then combine with “stories of glory” on the part of elders that encourage a sense of inferiority. The young also have imposed upon them strict religious law codes that prohibit alcohol, tobacco, and sexual expression. All of this preparation—menial tasks, stories of glory from elders, and strict law codes—fuels a resentment that finds its fullest expression in subsequent vicious quarterback sacks, punishing, blindsided tackles, and dangerously low blocks that render the propitiating pain that the Turkey god demands.

The competition often begins with the ceremonial division of teams and ritualistic verbal interactions known as “trash talking.” Such verbal interactions set unreasonable expectations and foster the hostility and resentment needed to permanently damage knees, ankles, and backs as well as destroy any residual dignity or sense of brotherhood. While one older man, one who may retain some wisdom gleaned from past rituals, may offer to stay aloof from the competition, acting as the ceremonial “permanent QB (or quarterback),” even this individual will inevitably ascend into the maelstrom once the ritual violence and anger take hold.

Women who find themselves attached to the men and boys that feel compelled to ritually appease the great Turkey god may express initial trepidation, but most often relent to the pre-historic and pre-conscious need that the menfolk express. As a precaution, many women will make an initial call to a local medicine man or 911 dispatcher, encouraging them to have several ambulances on the ready.

Cultural critics and anthropologist alike have questioned whether women would be allowed to participate in such rituals. Said one Texas woman who had recently returned from a painfully disappointing meeting in Salt Lake, “I don’t care if they would let me in or not, I ain’t knockin’ at that door!”  Speaking as well about female participation, one Florida woman said, “I would not want to intrude, since it is one of the few ways that men can get away with touching each other’s bodies.”  

REDSKIN’S OWNER DANIEL SNYDER PUSHES FOR NEW NFL TEAM: THE UTAH MULTIPLE WIFE IMPREGNATORS

WASHINGTON, DC—Washington Redskin’s owner Daniel Snyder recently told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that he would like to put a new National Football League team in Salt Lake City.  Following the city and state’s fine historical and cultural tradition, he would name them the Utah Multiple Wife Impregnators.

“Sure, it doesn’t roll off of the tongue like Braves, Chiefs, or Indians,” acknowledged Snyder, “but over time it will seem just as natural as a Utah team called the Jazz or a Los Angeles team called the Lakers.” 

When asked about the cultural implications of such a name, Snyder said that “not only does this name acknowledge a fine Mormon heritage of raising up seed but I also like the intimidation factor.”  On this point Snyder elaborated, “I mean for over a hundred and fifty years Americans have been freaked out by this practice, so this will make them quake in their boots when my glaringly fundamentalist football monsters show up to battle the merely monogamous 49ers, Patriots, or Cowboys.”

Snyder did have one major concern that seems to still be holding him back. “I know what some people might say about this team, and especially its name, and I am not insensitive to those implications,” said Snyder. “I, like everyone else who knows about Mormon history, can see how Seattle might change their name, and everyone knows that the Utah Multiple Wife Impregnators would never want to defeat and destroy the Seattle Seagulls.”  

AREA YOUNG MEN PICK UP CUTE GIRLS AT BEST FRIEND’S FUNERAL

Friends Some Time Before Gary's Death

PORTLAND, OR—Area young men Stephen Folds and Eric Johnson, attending the funeral of their close friend Gary Hall, picked up several very attractive young women. “It wasn’t really our plan,” said Folds, “it just turned out that Gary had lots of cute friends he had met at BYU.” Folds’ friend Johnson added that “Gary’s friends who don’t live here in Portland wanted to know about the last months of his life. We started to talk about it, but we were sort of disruptive at the funeral.” The young men decided to continue their conversation with their deceased friend Gary’s attractive female friends, inviting them to go out to get pizza. After dinner, when the young men were returning to their respective homes, Johnson commented to Folds that they had picked up cute girls at their best friend’s funeral, and both agreed that Gary would have wanted it that way.

MASKED, CROSS-DRESSING ELDERS QUORUM PRESIDENT AT TRUNK-OR-TREAT CLEARLY TRYING TO GET RELEASED

President Lynch may have sung "These are a few of my
Favorite Things" as he assembled his costume.

GLENDALE, CA—When Matt Lynch showed up at the Glendale 2nd ward’s annual trunk-or-treat Halloween event wearing a Grim Reaper mask and dressed as a woman, many took it as a clear sign that he was trying to get released as the ward’s Elders Quorum president.

“Yah, I guess I should have seen this coming,” reported Glendale 2nd ward bishop Edward Gibbs. “President Lynch has had a lot on his plate, so that horrifying white mask and black leather mini-skirt gave a pretty clear sense that he’d like someone to rethink his current church assignment.”

Unlike the confused and terrified children who approached the Lynch’s Toyota Sienna in search of free candy bars or M&Ms, Lynch’s wife Renee also seemed much less surprised by his costume. Renee explained that “I had seen Matt becoming somewhat distant. He was also storing away an extra can of my hairspray and had hidden my favorite semi-sheer fuchsia blouse. I figured it might be for something like this.” 

Sister Lynch then added, “well at least he just put on my gold stilettos” pointing out that “he would have tried to wear my black leather riding boots if he had known where they are.” 

While most ward members responded with shock and horror to President Lynch’s hairy thighs barely covered by a skirt that looked to be several cows too small, Lynch’s wife and Bishop were not the only ones who almost seemed to anticipate such a clear call for help. Lynch’s first counselor, Brother Pete Ricks, said that “the Quorum presidency saw [President Lynch] struggling to keep it together. Frankly, we were glad that we stopped him from setting off fireworks in the chapel last Fourth of July.”

Ricks continued, “the fact that he made it to October is pretty incredible, seeing that home teaching is about 11% and most weeks the Quorum instructor doesn’t show up. It is enough to send anyone looking for magenta eye shadow and violet fingernail polish.” Brother Rick’s final comment was, “Oh, and based on that nail polish and eye shadow, I think [President Lynch] might be colorblind, or at least I hope he is.”

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PRESIDENT SAMUELSON SMITES COKE TRUCK WITH ROD, CHANGES ALL PRODUCTS TO CAFFEINE FREE

Actual Photograph of Recent Miracle

PROVO, UT—In a miraculous move that saved Brigham Young University from yet another potentially iniquitous embarrassment, President Samuelson smote an approaching Coke truck with a rod, causing only caffeine free products to emerge.

“We surely have a leader like unto Moses,” said BYU student Daniela Gore. “We saw the chaos and moral decay poured out upon our campus so recently,” continued Gore, “so when I saw him with that rod, I knew that an inspired leader had been raised up to protect us all.”

Brianna Melling from the Office of Naked Shoulder and Caffeine Wickedness Prevention was also relieved. “These last few weeks have been dark ones in this office,” said Melling. “After that Satanic infiltration—oh, I don’t even want to think about it—well, there have been some changes in this office.  Let’s just say that the heads have already started to roll.”

Melling noted that President Samuelson had entrusted judges of 100 and judges of 50 to handle most campus-wide problems, but that from now on he would personally examine each approaching Coke vehicle armed with a staff. Melling tearfully concluded, “whether that staff is parting the Red Sea or keeping us from drowning in a sea of caffeinated sin, I sleep better at night knowing that the Lord has entrusted it to those who lead His university.”     

CHURCH WARNS MISSIONARIES ABOUT EMAIL FROM NIGERIAN PRINCESS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The church has issued an urgent warning to all missionaries to be on guard against an email scam. The scammer, posing as a Nigerian princess, apparently attempts to exploit the trusting and hopeful nature of most missionaries to acquire sensitive information.

Below the transcript of the concerning email:

I am a Nigerian princess and I am in desperate need of someone who can teach me about how I can go to your heaven. I do not want to rot in some spirit prison, waiting for my no-good descendants to finally get me help. I will deposit $30,000,000.00 in genuine moneys into your bank account. Just send me the account number, the routing number, your social security number, date of birth, credit card number, security code, cell phone number, mother’s favorite teacher’s cat’s name, city of birth, names of siblings, blood type, emails of 5 friends who would also be interested in this exciting offer, and approximately when and how many hours your companion sleeps every night. I will send you money todays, and then I will send you my address so that you can come and teach me and the 8 other Nigerian princesses that live with me and our children. We have 42 children and they are all 9 years old. Please do not deny us the blessings of your gospel church and please send the requested information now so that we can all get much blessings.

Urgently,

Princess of Nigeria

This is not the first time that the church has warned missionaries about scams like this. Several years ago the church warned missionaries about a scam that asked them to send money to support a struggling former church authority. The leader had supposedly played Major League baseball and was a World War II veteran who had been miraculously saved in tense combat. Scammers sent out letters asking missionaries for donations with the slogan, “With your help he’s not Dunn yet!”

UNBORN BABY JUST MIGHT WANT TO BE ADOPTED

KAITLYN’S WOMB—I recently overheard a conversation between Kaitlyn, my mom, and some possible adoptive parents through LDS Family Services, and I really hope that Kaitlyn lets them adopt me.  Don’t get me wrong; Kaitlyn is wonderful and I’m glad she is taking good care of me, but I’ve got to say that I think going with the other parents sounds wonderful too.

What can I say about how magnificent Kaitlyn is?  She is great, and no matter what, she will be a great mom.  She obviously loves me very much.  She doesn’t do anything that would harm me as I grow.  Of course she gets nervous and afraid.  I can tell because that is when she eats a carton of vanilla birthday cake flavored ice cream and an entire Yosemite National Forest worth of gummy bears. 

Kaitlyn loves music, and that will be nice.  But it sounds like my possible adoptive mother, Amanda Skinner, is an accomplished violinist.  Which is to say—Katilyn, I’m lovin’ the Beiber, but maybe some classical music and some lessons at home would be nice as well.

I know I cannot ask Kaitlyn to do for me what the Skinners could do.  Sure, I can listen in while Kaitlyn practices her Spanish II homework, but Seth Skinner learned Spanish on his mission to Costa Rica, so he could teach me.  And even Kaitlyn would say that Seth will be so much of a better dad than Dylan could ever be, especially since he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Kaitlyn and me. (Of course Dylan does have that great hair, and we can see a lot of Seth’s skull.)

Seth Skinner apparently has a good job and so does Amanda, so it will be easier for them in some ways to raise me.  I know that Kaitlyn will do all that she can, and her mother and grandmother will help out.  I am not really excited about Kaitlyn’s friends watching me.  Her friend Ashlee has cracked the glass on three smartphones in the last 6 months, so she just doesn’t sound all that reliable to me.  And even if I am walking by then, I don’t want them to dress me all up and take me to prom. 

Kaitlyn is very brave.  She kept me after Dylan tried to get her to not have me.  She told everyone on her cheer squad and at church, and apparently some people have not been very nice.  I know that Kaitlyn cries a lot because of how people make her feel.  But I also heard that the Skinners have been praying and fasting for a long time for God to bless them with a child.  I could never ask her myself, but maybe Kaitlyn could do one more brave thing and let the Skinners adopt me. Whatever she does, I thank God for my birth mother Kaitlyn.

TIME TRAVELLING MOSES MAHLANGU FINDS COMFORT IN ELDER UCHTDORF’S 2013 CONFERENCE ADDRESS

Elder Uchdorf may have had a larger
audience than he thought

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has received evidence that time travel technology allowed Moses Mahlangu to find comfort in Elder Uchtdorf’s 2013 conference address. Moses Mahlangu, an African saint who’s story was mentioned in the first session of the October, 2013 General Conference by Elder Ulisses Soares, faced painful challenges, yet it seems that he found inspiration from a talk given several decades later.

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has found evidence of Moses Mahlungu’s time travel in the pages of his journal. Key pages date from the late 70’s and early 80’s. At that time, Brother Mahlangu could not attend church services in the building, but faithfully listened to the meetings via a window opened precisely for that purpose.

The journal pages recount the agonizing despair that Moses Mahlangu felt at that time. In one entry he mentions how “today one of the talks was about how all are equal to a loving God, and it was so difficult for me, because sometimes I feel like a second-class citizen.” The entry then added, “how is the Lord no respecter of persons yet those who claim to follow God treat me as less than them?”

It is precisely during the time when these messages are strongest and most heartbreaking that Moses Mahlangu describes traveling to the future “in a silver car with the doors going up like gull wings.” He elaborates that there was a “crazy-looking driver, with wild gray hair” who took him to a large building. In the building, Brother Mahlangu found a man with “seemingly perfect gray hear, speaking with love and power.”

 

Of this man’s talk, Brother Mahlangu wrote, “at first I was surprised, since it was unusual for me to hear a man with a German accent speak with such compassion and love.” Brother Mahlangu continued, “I felt so strongly the influence of the Holy Spirit as he spoke, and when he mentioned that there are times when leaders and members make mistakes, I felt such relief.”

 

In the same entry, Brother Mahlangu said that “I had such an outpouring of peace when he acknowledged that there may have been things said and done that were not in harmony with the church’s values, principles, and doctrine.”  “By the end,” reported Mahlangu, “I felt the desire to bring my talents and my differences to the Church, and to bring them fully if the day ever comes that I could give them completely.”

Brother Mahlangu seems to have never reported his time travel to others. His journal only notes that, “we had to return early from the weird trip since the guy had to pick up some kid and take him to the past or present or something, so I only heard one speaker.” As a final note Brother Mahlangu said, “the church meeting that I visited in the future was wonderful, but I wonder who the other speakers were and what they talked about?”

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SATAN STILL DISAPPOINTED BY LOSS OF SINGLE PROVO MTC SUCCESS: TREE OF LIFE SHOWERS

“Tree of Life” Shower

HADES—Though never one to dwell on the past—getting kicked out of heaven, missing out on a body, not letting Robin Thicke convert to Mormonism and then perform for the VMA’s—the Father of Lies is still disappointed that he let slip his minor Provo Missionary Training Center success: the “Tree of Life” showers.

While it has been years since all of the MTC showers were converted to private facilities, the Prince of Darkness still holds fond memories of valiant servants of God wracked by the guilt, shame, and embarrassment experienced in the former facilities.

“Yah, you know there was nothing like the anxiety and panic that at least distracted those detested young men when 6 of them all had to shower together in a circle,” reported the Old Serpent.  “That missionary--he might be mastering German and half way through the Book of Mormon—but at least I knew that his daily wash ritual would make him feel awkward and humiliated.” 

Lucifer's Original Design for MTC Showers

When talking about the showers, called the “tree of life” for how 6 shower heads would emerge from the top of one vertical plumbing unit, the Great Dragon revealed how they got there in the first place.  He said that, “well, we had some people on the inside for that one, a few contractors and a plumber from Tennessee who we tempted with some sweet tea and then told him that if he didn’t do our bidding then we would send Payton Manning back to the Volunteer state.”  The plan apparently worked, and the corrupted plumber and contractors convinced others that, with the showers installed, they would be too difficult to replace.

“So they were there for years, and it was pretty great to at least have that miserable comfort as some revenge on the missionaries,” concluded the Devil. As a final comment, Lucifer noted how “now that the Tree of Life showers are gone, the next best time that we have to see these otherwise capable and confident young men completely embarrassed by their bodies is usually on the wedding night.”