RECENTLY DECEASED AREA MAN FINDS SPIRIT WORLD IS TWO LONG LINES OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HUG OR PUNCH HIM

SPIRIT WORLD—David Holiday, recently deceased latter-day saint and former member of the Portland Oregon 3^rd Stake Presidency, has found that thus far his experience of the Spirit World is mostly two almost endless lines of people who either want to hug him or punch him.

“Yah, I mean I was pretty surprised when I got here,” reported brother Holiday, “since the first thing that happened to me was some guy punched me about 4 times in the stomach and head.”  Brother Holiday explained that “it turned out that it was Dan [Peters], our old next-door neighbor, and let me tell you, he was pretty upset that I had never mentioned the gospel or even given him a pass along card.” 

Brother Holiday was equally surprised at what happened next: “this really nice lady threw her arms around me so tightly, and she was just shaking with tears of joy and gratitude.”  “When I could finally pull away a bit, I realized that I had no idea who she was,” explained Holiday.  “Well, it turned out that I had found her name when I was a 13 year-old boy scout working on my genealogy merit badge, and because of that her temple work was done.”

Just as this sister was stepping aside, Brother Holiday reported that “I was being kicked really hard in the shins by some man.”  When asked about the attack, the men explained that Brother Holiday had sat next to the man on a flight from Denver to Wichita, “but didn’t even open his mouth about the eternal blessings of families.”  The man elaborated, “I recognized him right off—Delta Airlines flight 265, seat 21b—and now that I know about the gospel, I can’t believe that he just ate his peanuts and dozed off.” 

For his part, Brother Holiday has found the experience “jarring, to say the least.”  “When I look down one line, I think ‘Oh, that must be my great-great-uncle twice removed whose temple work I did—that is going to be awesome,’ but then I notice Henry Jenkins, my best friend in middle school in the other line and I think, ‘wow, he looks pissed!’”

FOUR EXCELLENT CONFERENCE TALKS IN A ROW RAISE SUSPICIONS THAT ELDER HOLLAND IS USING PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The sheer power of Elder Holland’s four recent General Conference talks has led to suspicions that the apostle may be using performance enhancing drugs. 

Starting back in April of 2011, with “An Ensign to the Nations,” Elder Holland’s discourses have resonated with a remarkable power just at a time when one might expect his strength and skills to diminish. Said one unnamed source at Church Headquarters, “I have to admit that when I heard him talk with such power about the Holy Ghost, it did occur to me that he might be taking the [performance enhancing drug] Paraclete.”  Paraclete is known for increasing knowledge, memory, and proving soothing comfort.  The source continued, “he hit a real home run, and to be honest, I wondered if I was seeing an apostolic Mark MacGwire.”

Suspicions were further raised in October of that same year and again in April of 2012.  Commented one church insider, “When he was the lead-off speaker at the Priesthood session and then ended by calling for a stronger and more devoted voice and finished with ‘Haste to the battle, quick to the field,’ I could picture a spiritual Lance Armstrong.  I hope that what was true about Lance isn’t true about Elder Holland.”

“Well, the October 2012 talk really had many wondering,” reported a third source.  “Elder Holland’s amazing insights into what the Savior’s early apostles experienced and his nonscriptural elaborations left some wondered if he had special scriptures from BALCO or about his recent ‘missionary visits’ with Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco.” 

Another key source, who did not want to be identified, stated that he thought that it was “wonderful that an apostle could have power like a majestic 747 lifting above the earth and soaring where only the eagles roam.”  Unconfirmed reports have also emerged that that source may have used floral organic stimulants to reverse geriatric amnesia. 

GENERAL AUTHORITY VALENTINES

CHURCH ANNOUNCES NEW NURSERY POSTER

Salt Lake City, UT—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has unveiled a new poster that will feature prominently in all nurseries of the church.  The poster will allow nursery-aged children to read a quote that Parley P. Pratt recorded as Joseph Smith’s response to law enforcement officials at the jail in Richmond, Missouri.  Rosemary M. Wixom, Primary General President, expressed her hope that the poster will “not only pique their nascent interest in church history, but it may also encourage greater reverence on the part of nursery children.” 

MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER INTRODUCES NEW CORPORATE SPONSOR—STRAIGHT AND NARROW HEALTHGROUP OF MAPLETON

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is proud to welcome our latest corporate sponsor, the Straight and Narrow HealthGroup of Mapleton, Utah. Straight and Narrow offers many healthcare services, including board certified chiropractors, LDS Pioneer-themed weight loss/trek preparation programs, and veterinary orthodontrics.

Paul Grontes, head of the center’s chiropractic area, said that they are thrilled to lend their support to Zion’s finest news source.  When asked about Straight and Narrow, Grotnes said, “our chiropractors don’t just heal bodies, we help those who might ‘turn back’ when they suffer afflictions, like the sons of Mosiah almost did.”  Grotnes continued that, “good chiropractic care is like repentance—both eliminate stiffneckedness.” 

Straight and Narrow’s weight loss/trek preparation program specializes in using the LDS heritage to give you the best body possible.  Denise Kesey, the program’s director, explained that “with as little as six weeks, we can give you the sort of toned Eliza R. Snow abs that will make you the talk of the young women (and the young men) at your upcoming trek.”  “No out-of-breath or possible heart attack for those brethren either,” added Kesey, “and you won’t end up in the back of some wagon or SUV, lifting your head to tell people you want to eat at Arby’s by saying ‘this is the right place, please park!’” 

Unique to the Wasatch Front is the center’s top flight veterinary orthodontrics program.  Dr. Jane Collins, who heads this area, explained that those who love their pets “appreciate that Utah now has a full service center that can treat everything from your hamster’s overbite to that nasty gap in your German Shepherd’s pearly whites.”  Dr. Collins added, “Oh I’ve seen people at the Salt Lake City farmer’s market just ecstatic when they learned that we offer the latest Invisalign clear cat braces.” 

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is glad for the generous support of a center that, whether it is your back, your hips, or you beloved poodle’s teeth, keeps everything straight and narrow.