By Stephen Carter
After millennia of experimentation, Satan believes he has finally found the perfect complement to the philosophies of men.
"I started out ensnaring souls with the philosophies of men mingled with scripture," Satan recounted, "but that only worked on people who were interested in the scriptures, which is, happily, fewer than you would think."
Wanting to appeal to a larger audience, Satan tried out other combinations, mingling the philosophies of men with courtly love poetry, Noh theater, Victorian novels, Vaudeville, Howard Jones, NASCAR, and, in a desperate move, public television.
"But none of them cast as wide a net as I would have liked," he explained. "I was always missing a huge part of the population."
Then, while reading O Magazine, Satan stumbled across a recipe that changed everything. "It was called Everyone Loves Chocolate. One of those recipes that you know you shouldn't make, but if it's in Oprah's magazine, well ... And I realized the recipe's title was an eternal principle ripe for the plucking."
With that, Satan is rolling out the Philosophies of Men Mingled with Chocolate Campaign, which he predicts to be his most effective since the Philosophies of Men Mingled with Star Wars.
To kick things off, Satan is offering Sin Samplers, which, according to the box, include "a mouthwatering assortment of chocolate-coated sin sure to keep your tummy happy and your soul sticky."
After millennia of experimentation, Satan believes he has finally found the perfect complement to the philosophies of men.
"I started out ensnaring souls with the philosophies of men mingled with scripture," Satan recounted, "but that only worked on people who were interested in the scriptures, which is, happily, fewer than you would think."
Wanting to appeal to a larger audience, Satan tried out other combinations, mingling the philosophies of men with courtly love poetry, Noh theater, Victorian novels, Vaudeville, Howard Jones, NASCAR, and, in a desperate move, public television.
"But none of them cast as wide a net as I would have liked," he explained. "I was always missing a huge part of the population."
Then, while reading O Magazine, Satan stumbled across a recipe that changed everything. "It was called Everyone Loves Chocolate. One of those recipes that you know you shouldn't make, but if it's in Oprah's magazine, well ... And I realized the recipe's title was an eternal principle ripe for the plucking."
With that, Satan is rolling out the Philosophies of Men Mingled with Chocolate Campaign, which he predicts to be his most effective since the Philosophies of Men Mingled with Star Wars.
To kick things off, Satan is offering Sin Samplers, which, according to the box, include "a mouthwatering assortment of chocolate-coated sin sure to keep your tummy happy and your soul sticky."
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