Thursday, February 23, 2012

Church Expands the "I'm a Mormon" Campaign to Provo, Utah

By Christopher Bigelow

Provo Mormon
"I'm a Mormon" Mormon
PROVO, UT—With the success of the “I’m a Mormon” advertising campaign in cities across the United States, the LDS Church is now preparing to launch the campaign in Provo, Utah.

The decision came after Bonneville Communications executives held a series of focus groups in the predominantly Mormon community.

"After observing church members in Provo, we realize we're in danger of false advertising," said Bonneville executive Todd Spainhower. "The Provo Saints are nothing like the 'I'm a Mormon' people—and I do mean nothing. Seriously, it's like they're visitors from another planet, in comparison.”

Instead of displaying down-to-earth individuality and worldly interests like the "I'm a Mormon" members, Provo Mormons are more like "military robots," Spainhower said. "These Provo people all look and dress alike, not just on Sundays but even during the week. It's like they come off an assembly line. We don't want them to go all the way worldly, but we do want them to become a little more 'of the world'—otherwise people will keep thinking we're a cult."

In contrast with the various adventurous and artistic pursuits of the “I’m a Mormon” people, Spainhower expressed concerns about the activities and hobbies of the Provo Mormons. “It sounded like all they did the entire last week was visit widows and go through the temple, not to mention all these extra church meetings. I mean, do these guys even have a life outside of church?”

For Provo, the "I'm a Mormon" campaign will include some locally tailored messages, such as: 
  • You can take some time off from home teaching to go rock climbing and still be a good Mormon.
  • Sometimes, being Mormon IS just for Sundays.
  • You can lead the sacrament music with either hand and still be righteous.
The church hopes that the campaign will help Provo Mormons embrace their humanity and get with the new "I'm a Mormon" vibe.

In related news, Bonneville confirmed that Mitt Romney’s “I’m a Mormon” profile has been officially rejected.


  1. I thought the most popular activity in Provo was wife nagging. My brother -in-laws can't even watch a BYU football game in peace. Utah Lake is a great place for water skiing though.

  2. Our sampling of over 50 males between the age of 22-26 all seemed to have the strangest things in common, which has led to our assumption that they may in fact be cultist robots...
    1. A short hairstyle with the common "I don't know what the hell I'm doing with these" sideburns were prevalent across the board
    2. The most amazing form of grey/off-white glow seemed to be their uniform as they are not seen without their acclaimed "Mission" shirts which seem to be a badge of honor
    3. And finally as the eyes gave life to John Bellairs' Killer Robot, these men don't come to life until the ugliest polyester tie has been strapped around their neck providing fuel for all their activities.