10 THINGS YOU LIKELY WILL NOT HEAR AT GENERAL CONFERENCE

SUCCESSION CAGE MATCHES? CHURCH DISPELS MYTHS ABOUT NEXT APOSTLES

Salt Lake City, UT—In a surprise and hastily announced press conference, LDS Church spokesperson LaVernal Jorgesen met with the press yesterday to dispel “myths about succession in the church and the naming of apostles.”

“There are no Apostolic Succession Cage Matches,” refuted Jorgesen flatly, “they just don’t happen!” Jorgesen’s comments came in response to descriptions and photographs in LDS PowerSurge, a blog that describes MMA-style fights between candidates for apostle. The blog features a very popular article purportedly showing a training match between Elders Nelson and Oaks. That practice match reportedly shows how Nelson’s “surgical precision” and “maybe wrong, maybe right, but never in doubt” medical confidence led to the 8 round dismantling of Oaks’ “belabored” and “legalistic” fighting style.

Jorgesen denied that such cage matches exist, claiming that the reports and photographs were fakes. The church spokesperson added that while Nelson could probably “rip your heart right out like no Aztec ever did,” he also noted that “everyone can easily discern that his kindly glint would be no match for Oaks’ take-no-prisoners, Eye of the Litigious Tiger.”

Jorgesen also denied that the more senior apostles still called younger members of the quorum, like Elders Bednar and Cook, the “Young Wipersnappers.” Jorgesen added, “and let me be perfectly clear on this: no one has ever called Elder Holland ‘Jowls of Fury!’”

As the press conference closed, Jorgesen added that the downloadable PDF of The Next Apostle Pick-um is not an official church document and should be “removed from the fridges of the faithful immediately.” 

GREAT SCOTT'S SUBMARINE FINALLY REACHES ITS HEAVENLY PORT

IN SPITE OF ALL EXPECTATIONS, MISSIONARY HAPPY

Odd how many missionaries are happy!

Lima, Perú—Elder James Roth, who believed he would “just pretty much suffer through two years as a missionary” has found, against all of his expectations, that he is actually “really, really happy.”

When Roth was called to serve, he told his friends and family back in Lehi, Utah that “honestly I’m just going because it is my duty” and “it does seem like the Lord wants me to go.” Roth believed that spending two years in Perú, learning to speak Spanish, and being so far from the people, television shows, video games, music, and movies that meant so much to him would leave him mostly miserable. In his final talk in church, Roth’s emphasis was on sacrifice and giving up one’s desires for the Lord.

So it has come as a completely unexpected surprise that Roth has found himself “happier than he ever could have imagined” while working as a missionary. As Roth put it, “my first companion was Peruvian, and I just have to say that we didn’t always get along, but I cannot tell you how happy I was when we invited our first investigator to be baptized and she said yes!” Added Roth, “it was so much better than being back home in Utah and going out with friends to see yet another ridiculous superhero movie.”

While Roth has had chances to teach and see people embrace the gospel, he has also had many difficult, painful experiences, experiences that he anticipated but which he thought would cast a predominantly unhappy pallor over his two year service. “Yah,” explained Roth, “there was the time when the a woman we had been teaching had a nervous breakdown or the times we’ve been cussed out or when dinner appointments have fallen through, but I never thought I could be so happy even with so many challenges!”

Roth’s work and response seem to be fairly typical. He has had trouble with the language, with MTC food, with companions, with annoying ward members, with dogs, and with a constant stream of rejection. “I figured I’d deal with those things,” said Roth, “I just didn’t realize how much joy I could find in the midst of all of it.”

As Roth has only a few weeks left in his mission, he has started to ponder the next stages of life. Concluded Roth, “well, if the misery of being a missionary can actually bring joy, maybe it might even be worth it to have kids!” 

IN SPITE OF BEST EFFORTS, LDS SATIRIST CAN’T SEEM TO GET EXCOMMUNICATED

We have seer stones that look like chocolate-caramel candies;
how could you not want to stick around for that!

Toledo, OH—Local satirist and church member Shania Bender, in spite of her best efforts, cannot seem to get excommunicated.

“I would have thought I’d be long gone by now,” said Bender in a recent conversation with Zion’s finest news source. “I mean, I’ve written about gay marriage, women and the priesthood, heck, I’ve even made fun of Provo, Temple Square, City Creek Mall, and Republicans!”

Bender recounted that a few years ago she was asked to speak with a member of her stake presidency. “I thought, you know, back then, ‘okay, this is it!’ But what happened,” explained Bender, “is that we had a nice, open conversation.” Bender went on to say that “by the end I felt like he wanted people like me, people he described as ‘different’ and ‘with a bizarre but clever take on things’ to be in the church!” Bender concluded that, “here I thought I’d be reprimanded and kicked out, but I ended up getting called to teach early morning seminary since, as he put it, ‘I might relate well with the youth and make mornings fun!’”

When asked why she doesn’t just leave the church, Bender clarified that “I used to imagine bringing about a dramatic revolution in the church, being a martyr for a cause, you know, someone who uses words like ‘oppression,’ ‘structural abuse,’ ‘brain-wash,’ ‘whitewashed history,’ and ‘microaggressions’ all of the time and with dark sincerity. What I’ve found,” continued Bender, “is that the church is mostly people doing their best, and I like being with them, and fixing mistakes seems easier from the inside.”

“When I really got down to it,” concluded Bender, “it seems like some people respond to humor, and, well, let’s face it, some things about Mormons and Mormon culture are hilarious!” 

“When a friend once asked me why I stay, I told her it was for the material!”  

FRENZIED, COMPETITIVE MOTHERS RELIEVED CHURCH KEEPING SCOUTING

“If that isn’t your little Braedyn,

you’re doing something wrong!” 

Salt Lake City, UT—This week’s announcement that the church would continue its close ties with the Boy Scouts of America program came as a tremendous relief to Zion’s tens of thousands of frenzied and competitive mothers.

“Oh I know I let out a huge sigh of relief,” recounted Jennifer Brandeis. “I will never forget that President Benson promised that if boys like my Ryler would check off all of the right boxes, you know, Eagle Scout, seminary, mission, go to prom with a girl in a modest dress, then his place in the celestial kingdom would be sealed forever and ever!” Brandeis added that “now all I have to do is make sure he does exactly those things no matter what and then I’ll know I’ve been a good mom.”

Brandeis’ relief was echoed by mothers like Janet Young who explained that “not only does the Scouting program provide instruction and character-building activities, but rank advancements and merit badges give me a way to measure my son’s growth and value and also to see how well I’m doing as a mother.” Young went on to explain that “without scouting it could be impossible to know what moms to look out for, you know, because they are doing so much, and what moms are really dropping the ball when it comes to raising righteous sons and future stake presidents in Zion!”

In addition to providing sons and mothers with a clear measuring stick for growth and value, Scouting, according to mothers like Anne Parks, “gives my sons Stevyn, Wesley, and Kredence the surest guard against the evils of our day like exposure to pornography and experimentation with, um, you know, inappropriate things and activities.” 

CHURCH ANNOUNCES NEW PASS-ALONG CARDS FOR COLORADO, OREGON, WASHINGTON, WASHINGTON DC

Alternative pass-along cards for North and South Carolina:

CHURCH POLICY THAT I’M SURE WILL EVENTUALLY CHANGE: THEFT

Commentary by Daniel Perkins

We live in an exciting time in the church. The scriptures promise that the Lord will give us “liberally,” and let me tell you that that is just about to happen. Just like God lifted the ban on Black men in the priesthood, I’m sure he just about to lift the ban on women in the priesthood, gay marriage, and on enjoying whatever you define as love with whoever or whatever you want! Everyone knows that these policy changes are right around the corner, but one that not everyone is seeing is the restoration of communal ownership and the revocation of the former commandment “Thou shalt not steal.”

First, a little history lesson. God gave the commandment to not steal only because Israel was not ready for the higher principle of communal ownership. People back then were too greedy and selfish, so God wanted to keep the peace. That is why he gave the commandment. In fact, the Hebrew word “Schwindl” is more about deception than taking from someone what you think should be yours too.

Modern revelation, for those with eyes to see and ears to hear, tells us that the day will come when “theft” as we call it now will not be a sin. Inspired poetic prophets, modern day Isaiahs, have, for years now, begged us to imagine a world with no possessions, but they so often wonder aloud if we can. This blessed restoration will usher in a world with neither greed nor hunger, a true human siblinghood! Some might hold, falsely, that such claims are fantasy, even dreams, but it will surely be a great day when I can share my neighbor’s food, car, house, television, wife, daughter, cat, and healthcare without having to break my back, slave away at school, make sacrifices, form exclusive relationships, or follow some narrow, old-law, demanding set of rules and restrictions set by teachers or employers. On that day everyone will speak in the name of the Lord, saying what the Lord inspired that person to say.

How do I know this? I have, like Moses, traveled to the mountain with my forward-thinking, enlightened friends, and there we have seen how God intends us to use all of nature’s gifts and plants so that young men can dream dreams and see visions. I hope one day you will join us, and then you’ll know the true, ancient, inspiration symbol: the burning bush.

UNEXPECTED RAISINS IN SALAD CAUSE EXMO TO RENOUNCE OLIVE GARDEN

Popular Anti-Olive Garden YouTube Video

American Fork, UT—In a move that he announced on Facebook, Gene Dyer let his family, friends, and acquaintances know that he is “no longer attending, patronizing, or affiliated with Olive Garden.” Making it clear that his decision “has not come quickly,” Dyer explained that after years of enjoying the “all-you-can eat soups and those tangy summer pastas,” he had “discovered deeply disturbing culinary errors.” Dyer went on to explain that he was “shocked to find out that what he had relied upon to be crunchy and fresh every time” was destroyed when he found “those four or five unexpected raisins in his all-you-can eat house salad.”

Dyer, who also happens to have recently left the Mormon Church, went on to clarify that he wasn’t renouncing the popular Italian chain “because he was offended” or because “he wanted to go off on some wild Republican and NRA-fueled meat orgy at Texas Roadhouse.” Instead he insisted that he had only sought what is truthful and lovely in every meal, but that finding “ugly, shriveled raisins where one expects lettuce, parmesan cheese, and maybe an onion” had led him first to question, then doubt, then “bravely move on” from a restaurant that had been his emotional and culinary home for his entire life.

Over 150 people responded to Dyer’s Facebook announcement. Some expressed shock and bewilderment. Others expressed support, adding their experiences with “squishy gnocchi,” “tilapia and shrimp that had clearly at one time been frozen,” as well as the shock and disillusionment of finding “three completely different preparations of the Citrus Chicken Sorrento at different yet supposedly participating restaurants.” In a similar vein were comments that featured YouTube videos of “Olive Garden Exposed,” “Top 10 Olive Garden Problems Explained!,” and “The Real Truth about Fake Italian.” Dyer himself mentioned how internet research had helped him see the truth about Olive Garden.

Other people responded differently to Dyer’s announcement. Some talked about warm, loving family trips to Olive Garden that Dyer would now be missing. Others tried to counter comments and videos with personal experiences, with accounts of people finding joy and satisfaction while dining and even working at the popular eatery, and with information to refute anti-Olive Garden claims, information taken from websites like FairGarden. 

Dyer mentioned that “at one time it all fit together, the breadsticks and pasta, the chicken, the beef, and the tiramisu,” but that all started to crumble “with those shocking raisins right there in the salad, and now the more that I look, the more I find it is all at best a quaint but deluded place if not a terrible dining fabrication.” This sense that Olive Garden must be complete, whole, and perfect, with no mistakes, flawless presentation and service, or be the restaurant that is “true and living” seems to have prevented Dyer from just forking the raisins out of the salad and enjoying his meal.

FRESH FELINE FURY: MINNESOTA DENTIST HUNTS, KILLS PRES. MONSON’S CAT

Completely real, unphotoshopped picture of hunters with cat, really

Salt Lake City, UT—In a move sure to spark renewed outrage, Walter Palmer, the same Minnesota dentist who recently killed the famous lion Cecil has, over the weekend, hunted and killed President Monson’s cat.

The prophet’s cat, whose full name is Mahonri-Moriancum-Puurrrrr, but who is also called the Cousin of Cecil or just Whiskers, was apparently lured away from its Salt Lake home to City Creek Mall, where it was dazzled by high end shopping and fabulous dining options, only to be shot first by a crossbow and then by a high-powered shotgun, assault rifle, and two fully automatic pistols.

Investigators, in piecing together the cat’s death, noted that the perpetrator “took the tour of Temple Square” and then went with “hired guides” in search of his latest highly-prized feline trophy. Investigators noted the dark twist in the fact that all three hunters initially met at the Lion House.

While he has not yet met with reporters to talk about the loss, President Monson posted this on his Twitter account: “Feline Friends R Lost; Hearts R Gritty Clumps of Sorrow in What Sometimes Feels like the Litter Box of Life.”

SPARKED BY REMOVAL OF BAN ON RAINBOW JELLO, CHURCH TO REVIEW RELATIONSHIP WITH KRAFT

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: IS THE CHURCH HOMOPHOBIC

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Do Not Get the Wrong Idea from this BYU Art Museum
Installation Art Piece

Believe it or not, sometimes people ask missionaries questions that just seem so obvious that you might not know what to say. Never fear. Here are some tips for dealing with what some missionaries erroneously call “tough questions.” These are all pretty easy when you think about it. Today’s question is:

Is the Church Homophobic?

First, “homophobic” means afraid of gays, and clearly we are not afraid of gays any more than we are afraid of murderers, child molesters, or coffee drinkers. We know that so long as all of them repent of their terrible wickedness then they can get whatever glory might be available for them. Those who suffer from the grievous affliction of same-sex attraction should just trust God and He will take away their affliction just like He heals drug addicts, Democrats, and all of those brown people who come to this country illegally.

Second, the Church has a right to decide who should be in the church and members have a responsibility to make sure people only feel as welcome as God wants them to feel. We don’t want coffee drinkers or adulterers or Socialists to believe that God’s grace will cover them without lots of clear, public repentance so that we can all know their hearts. Therefore, when we see a guy with a pink shirt, or an earring, or who compares the Gospel to Broadway musicals, it is every member’s responsibility to make it clear to him that if he is as gay as he seems then he is not accepted by God. God’s disapproval of him should be clear in our every interaction with him! The same goes for girls with really short hair and who don’t seem eager to please others, especially men. Those women need to know that the pain of being a social outcast because of their same-sex attraction is how we all make sure they have sufficient godly sorrow for sin.

Third, missionaries should probably not waste their time teaching gay people. Missionary work is easier if you pre-screen people, so that if they already look like a nice Mormon family then teach them. Bringing someone that doesn’t really fit in in church is just an annoyance for everyone. Remember that the Comforter helps all of us feel safe and protected within our comfort zone.

Finally, remember back in the October, 2013 General Conference, when Elder Soares talked about an African saint named Brother Moses Mahlangu? That should be a lesson to all of us. Brother Mahlangu learned patience and meekness by not being allowed to be in church. Gays can also learn about those importantly godly qualities in a similar manner, and it is our role as saints to occasionally prop a window open for them. When the righteous know where they belong and when sinners know that they must repent of their chosen sinfulness then we can all say that, in truth, all is well in Zion, yea Zion prospers!

Some missionaries might be tempted by Satan to not accept the truths presented above. Such missionaries might believe that members should be compassionate toward everyone, that missionaries should share the gospel with everyone, and that all of us should leave judgment to those with a stewardship and with the Lord. Those people may also wonder, sinfully, if the day might come when gays are as accepted as Black people. That will never happen because God’s ways never, ever, ever change, because God wants everyone to be productive and have children, because of all of Jesus’ clear teachings in the New Testament about the evils of gayness (which I cannot seem to find right now, but they are there!), and because that is just gross. When it comes right down to it, if you have such sinful ideas, you at least lack faith in Church leaders and you’re probably gay.

Finally, have confidence in God’s work. Just like the hymn “High on a Mountain Top” says, we can trust that Zion’s banner and light will indeed “attract the gaze / of all the world in latter days.”

All the best,

Elder Kory Anton