Salt Lake City, UT—In a surprise and hastily announced press
conference, LDS Church spokesperson LaVernal Jorgesen met with the press
yesterday to dispel “myths about succession in the church and the naming of
apostles.”
“There are no Apostolic Succession Cage Matches,” refuted
Jorgesen flatly, “they just don’t happen!” Jorgesen’s comments came in response
to descriptions and photographs in LDS PowerSurge, a blog that
describes MMA-style fights between candidates for apostle. The blog features a
very popular article purportedly showing a training match between Elders Nelson
and Oaks. That practice match reportedly shows how Nelson’s “surgical
precision” and “maybe wrong, maybe right, but never in doubt” medical
confidence led to the 8 round dismantling of Oaks’ “belabored” and “legalistic”
fighting style.
Jorgesen denied that such cage matches exist, claiming that
the reports and photographs were fakes. The church spokesperson added that while
Nelson could probably “rip your heart right out like no Aztec ever did,” he
also noted that “everyone can easily discern that his kindly glint would be no
match for Oaks’ take-no-prisoners, Eye of the Litigious Tiger.”
Jorgesen also denied that the more senior apostles still
called younger members of the quorum, like Elders Bednar and Cook, the “Young
Wipersnappers.” Jorgesen added, “and let me be perfectly clear on this: no one has
ever called Elder Holland ‘Jowls of Fury!’”
As the press conference closed, Jorgesen added that the downloadable
PDF of The Next Apostle Pick-um is not an official church document and
should be “removed from the fridges of the faithful immediately.”
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