CAPTAIN MORONI’S WIFE BRENDA GIVES HIM FEEDBACK ON CLOTHING CARE, DIPLOMATIC CORRESPONDENCE

Series Note: As part of its Lost Writings of the Book of Mormon series, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is pleased to reveal to the world a previously unpublished document from the time and people described in the Book of Mormon.

Dear Monimoni*

My fervent prayers go out to the Lord for your continued safety as we are all caught up in this terrible war with the Lamanites. 

As you know, I’m very, very proud of you. You are a superb husband, father, and leader of this people. And I fully support your efforts to rally the people, but I have to say that just about the time that I get your clothes hemmed up you send me another tunic that you have again ripped up and written all over. I can understand your love of banners. Who doesn’t love a good banner?! And I was happy with those first ones, since, after all, you wrote them on some older outfits. But honey, could we dial back on that a bit? The last banner you made was on your new robe, and I’m not sure that “Amalickiah Sucks Lehi Rocks” is your best rallying cry, but maybe that is just me.

And that really brings me to my main point, honey. I got a copy of the letter you plan on sending to Ammoron, and I have a couple of editorial changes you might want to consider. Maybe you weren’t paying attention in Diplomatic Writing 101 class, but remember that the first rule is “Consider your Audience.” Of course I don’t know Ammoron and you are the leader of the armies, but maybe leading off with the justice of God is not how you want to start. Sure, I get it; the sword of the Lord’s almighty wrath does hang over his head, and, sure, he is pulling down the anger of God upon himself, but maybe we could build to that. I’m also not sure that describing your interlocutor as a child of hell is the sort of kick off to a dialogue that you want to go with. That said, there are some solid things in the middle that you should definitely keep.

With that feedback in mind, here’s a new version of the letter that you might consider: 

Behold, Ammoron, I have written unto you somewhat concerning this war. I will exchange prisoners with you under these conditions: that you deliver up a man and his wife and children for one of your men who is currently our prisoner. I am Moroni; I am a leader of the people of the Nephites.

Now, I know how you get when I give you unsolicited advice, and, knowing you, you may have already sent the letter, but I think that my revision gets right to your key points. 

Well, in any case, may the Lord continue to bless you and this people as you fight for our liberty and lives. I love and cherish you, and cannot wait for you to be back in my arms. When I miss you, I think about all of the great times we have shared. One of my favorite memories is that crazy party at Nephoran and Patty’s house and the prank we pulled, you know, the party where we felt trapped by all of those boring people, so we decided to get all of them drunk and escaped but then we thought it would be fun to came back early in the morning with weapons and threatened them unless they promised to never invite us over again. Good times.

Love,

Brenda

PS: If you ever find that you have other letters you are writing, you know, like to Shiblon, to your friend Pahoran, or to Carl, remember to not jump to hasty conclusions. If in doubt, you know, about what might being going on, send a postcard that says something like, “Dude, Wassup?”

*Monimoni is apparently Captain Moroni’s wife Brenda’s nickname for him

AS VALENTINE'S SURPRISE, OTHER APOSTLES “HEART ATTACK” ELDER NELSON

Domestic and unapostolic example
of a "heart attack"

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—In what Elder Nelson described as “totes awesome,” the other eleven apostles “heart attacked” his office door as a Valentine’s day surprise. The “heart attack” consisted of heart-shaped pieces of paper taped to the door with notes of love and encouragement.

“We really wanted to just tell Russell how much we love and appreciate all that he does,” said Elder Andersen. “He has been so great since I got here, you know, like showing me around and helping me feel like part of the group.”  Elder Andersen added, “you know it can be hard when you join a new group, you know, since they already have their friends that they do things with and some already have matching ties and stuff.”

Reports from the church office building indicate that the pink, red, and white hearts that covered Elder Nelson’s door included messages like “Awesome Conference Talks” and “Cute Hair” as well as traditional favorites like “U R Great!” 

“We had some debate about what we would do this year, you know, to really tell someone from the group how much we just love him,” said Elder Oaks. “Elder Ballard wanted to ‘teepee’ his office.”  (“Teepeeing” an office is when you fill the interior walls with notes of love and encouragement shaped like stereotypical Native American, mobile, triangular dwellings.)  Elder Oaks continued, “I told Elder Ballard that that didn’t sound like a good idea, since we did that many years ago to Elder George P. Lee’s office, and let’s just say it didn’t turn out good.”

There were other suggestions that were similarly passed on.  “Elder Packer thought it would be hilarious to try to attach actual human hearts to (the cardiologist’s) door,” reported Elder Holland.  “And he would have figured out a way to do it too,” elaborated Elder Holland, finally adding, “that Boyd is just such a kidder!”  

2014 CHURCH LEADER VALENTINES

As we have done for years, or at least "year," here are the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer's Church Leader Valentines: (oh, and these are the Valentines from last year)

HENDERSON NEVADA WARD PILOTS NEW “BODY OF THE CHURCH” SACRAMENT SEATING

Two of the original Sacrament Options
Depending upon what part of the body you were

HENDERSON, NV—The Henderson 3^rd ward is piloting a new church sacrament seating program called the “Body of the Church.” This program arranges congregation members according to different categories, thus making each person’s place in the “body of the Church,” or, as Paul said, in the “body of Christ” clear.

According to the seating arrangement, the “head and eyes” are the Bishop and his counselors on the stand. The central pews are for the “heart and lungs,” consisting of families with members holding important callings and/or husbands who have “home taught at least once since 2000.” In addition to these parts, the “arms” are the deacons arranged on each side and ready to pass the sacrament, while the legs are families with infants on the sides to the back who are “ready to run out with screaming children.”

The program also reserves open seats throughout the congregation for visitors and less actives. “These seats are left open,” said Bishop Phillips, “and we call them various names like “pancreas” or “knee cap” or “hair follicles.” Phillips added that “those places are important, don’t get me wrong, it is just that we don’t know who will take them.” 

The arrangement also facilitates sacrament passing.“According to the original plan,” explained Bishop Phillips, “different ‘body parts’ would have different sacrament items, but it turned out that having trays with stale, freezer-burnt bread and trays with Cinnabon rolls was too cumbersome.” The only element retained from this part of the pilot involves gluten-free bread. “Oh, yah, we still have a special gluten-free section with, of course, separate bread—that section is out in the parking lot, since no one wants to get stuck with that dreadful stuff” said Phillips.

As a final note, Phillips said that the center back section is the “body’s less comely but still necessary excretory system,” adding that that “is perfect for readers of the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.” 

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO REJECTED MEETINGHOUSE ADD-ONS

SPLINTER CES GROUPS CREATE ALTERNATIVE SCRIPTURE MASTERY LISTS

An Alternative Scripture Mastery Card

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Reports out of Salt Lake City indicate that church officials are concerned about splinter Church Education System groups creating alternative scripture mastery lists.

These reports note three groups that have started to stray from CES directives and have made their own lists of scriptures that seminary and institute students should master.

One group, centered in New England, has put forward what it calls the “CES” or “Church Enlightenment System’s” list of common scriptures. Their scripture mastery list includes many scriptures from King Benjamin’s speech and more verses with Jesus’ directives to help the poor. 

The New England group’s Church Enlightenment System list also calls for some rather unconventional “scriptures.” This list includes several versus from the Quran, Bhagavad Gita, Buddhist sutras, and a passage from Ralph Waldo Emerson’s famous “Divinity School Address.” Unconfirmed reports indicate that the list may also include quotes from the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act as well as what reports call “some Grateful Dead lyrics.”

A second splinter group, with a number of cells in the Mountain West, has a list that they call the “CES” or “Church Edification Standard.” This list emphasizes scriptures that place a high premium on obedience. Students also master several verses that provide prophetic statements about the United States, including many from 1 and 2 Nephi.   

Like the New England group’s list, this one also has some rather unconventional scriptures, including versus from the United States Constitution and Declaration of Independence. Furthermore, the list includes passages from the Federalist Papers and quotes from speeches by George Washington, Ronald Reagan, and brother Glenn Beck.     

The final list is one devised by students. This list, called the “CES” or “Church Entertainment Stuff,” includes 1 Nephi 2:12: “And my father dwelt in a tent” and 1 Chronicles 1:25, which reads, “Eber, Peleg, Reu.”

While some verses were obviously chosen for ease of memorization, the list also addresses other needs. One verse, chosen for working with difficult roommates or mission companions, is 1 Nephi 4:12, which reads, “And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me again: Slay him, for the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands.” 

For missionaries, the list includes 3 Nephi 3:7. Not to be mistaken with 1 Nephi 3:7, 3 Nephi 3:7 reads: “Or in other words, yield yourselves up unto us, and unite with us and become acquainted with our secret works, and become our brethren that ye may be like unto us—not our slaves, but our brethren and partners of all our substance.”

While internal memos indicate some concerns, there has so far been no direct reply to these groups from Salt Lake.

LEADERSHIP CRISIS CAUSES BYU’S CHESS CLUB’S CONSTITUTION TO HANG BY A THREAD

PROVO, UT—According to unidentified sources, the ongoing leadership crisis suffered by BYU’s Chess club is such that the organization’s very constitution now “hangs by a thread.” Said one Chess club insider, “all I can really tell you is that the club’s political machinations are playing out like the classic English opening countered by the formidable French defense, and now the organization’s charter and foundational document is jeopardized!”

The conflict seems to have arisen over issues of the separations of powers between the club’s board of directors, known as the Gerents of the Enlightened Engagement in the Kings’ Sport, and its appointed executive, known as the Noble Emissary of the Royal Duel. “What we are seeing,” explained another unnamed club member, “is a clear power grab on the part of the executive leader from the board of directors.” The source elaborated that “if Tyler thinks that just because he’s the NERD that he can take power by pinning the GEEKS, well, he’s got another thing coming!”

Not everyone in BYU’s Chess club seems surprised by the move. A third member said that “the situation is a classic ‘Milk and Strippings’ conflict like those that have tested Mormon mettle from the beginning, and now all we can to do is wait for the prophesied ‘Mighty and Great One’ who will bear the Chess club’s constitution away from the verge of destruction.”

 

When asked if similar crises had ever befallen this organization, the same unnamed member said, “yah, last year Dave tried to make some changes, but that all ended when he got a girlfriend.”

THE FRIEND TO COVER RECENT UTAH GAY MARRIAGES

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—According to reports, The Friend’s February 2014 issue will feature an article addressing recent gay marriages in Utah. The article follows closely the August, 2013 piece in the same magazine dealing with the Supreme Court’s Ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act.

The article, titled “By Spirit and by the Law, We Are All Friends,” will explain the implications to Primary-aged LDS children of so many gay marriages in the Beehive state. Sources indicate that the cover picture will show “still very concerned grandparents reading Utah newspapers and watching television,” while children in the foreground “smile, play, hold hands, and preform pretend marriages between children of all types and genders.”

Only a few unconfirmed details about the article’s text have emerged. Reports indicate that the article will discuss how Judge Shelby decided that “boys and girls should be treated fairly by everyone, even if a large number of people don’t see it that way.” It goes on to elaborate that “now, your really nice uncles or your super great aunts can have a nice big wedding too.”

Further reports indicate that children will be told to “make sure you write in your journal about this special recent Christmastime, about gift-giving, the Primary program, and the television coverage of so many happy people getting married.” To clarify other aspects of the marriages, the article will explain that children do not need to write in their journals about the “very cranky uncle who said that now gay people can be just as miserable as other married people.”   

One illustration is said to show “a range of happy children playing together, obviously enjoying the spiritual, emotional, financial, and legal benefits of marriage equality with the majestic Great Salt Lake behind them.”  

THE MORMON TABERNACLE GUIDE TO CELEBRATING THE NEW YEAR

SEEKING AUTHENTICITY FOR LIVE NATIVITY, SPANISH BRANCH CASTS SISTER MISSIONARY AS VIRGIN MARY

HOUSTON, TX—During last Saturday’s Houston South Spanish Branch Christmas activity, Sister Heidi Conner, a missionary serving in the branch, was cast as the Virgin Mary for the nativity reenactment. “We just thought,” said Sister Tevez, wife of Branch President Tomás Tevez, “that a sister missionary would be the closest thing to Jesus’ pure and holy mother.”

Sister Conner, who very hesitantly accepted the role, said, “well, it was a little awkward, I mean especially since Brother Sandoval was Joseph.” Sister Conner continued, “I mean, my first thought was why not just have his wife, Sister Sandoval be Mary, but somehow that just didn’t fit what they had in mind.”

Several branch members reported that this year’s reenactment was “especially spiritual.” “I just thought it was perfect this year,” said Sister Alvarez, adding that “Mary was just so lovely and pure.” Another branch member reported that “it really gave you a sense of how difficult the whole thing must have been for Mary, I mean, you could just see all of the discomfort, pain, and awkwardness on Mary’s face. It was powerful.”

Only moments before the live nativity, Sister Conner and her companion, Sister Brooks had a short but rather intense discussion about the Branch’s request. Sister Brooks seemed less concerned about her companion’s interaction with the married Brother Sandoval and more concerned about why she was not chosen. The discussion only ended when President Tevez invited Sister Brooks to participate as “the loveliest, blondest, and most beautiful angel shepherds had ever seen.”

When the Mission President found out about the reenactment, he immediately sent an addendum to all missionary White Handbooks prohibiting “all participation in live nativity reenactments or even being in the room where one is going on.” When the local Stake President found out, his only comment was, “well, that is still better than the Sunday when the branch had several baptisms and so they ordered pizza delivered as refreshments; we’ll count this as progress.” 

RECENTLY DISCOVERED MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR ALBUM COVERS

Salt Lake City, Utah—It has recently come to the attention of the crack team at the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that a vocal group named after this very news source has done a series of albums. This musical group, called the “Mormon Tabernacle Choir,” has created LDS alternatives to “worldly” music. Zion’s finest news source has found some of those albums hidden away in the attic of a lovely grandmother in Fairview, Utah.  The album covers are reproduced below.

We believe that more albums may be out there. If you (or your grandmother) has any of these priceless gems of musical goodness and moral uplift, please send your photos to us at motabenquirer at gmail dot com.  If you send large images, we will bring them to the attention of all of Zion!  

THE MTE CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEA: THE AARONIC PRIESTHOOD WRIST COACH

As magazines like the Ensign have in storage 50,000 Family Home Evening ideas and Cosmopolitan has in storage 50,000 tips to make your man go wild in bed, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has a storage of 50,000 Christmas gift ideas. We are more frugal with our tips, so here is this year’s one idea: the Aaronic Priesthood Wrist Coach. As you may have noticed, football quarterbacks have a special wristband with the team’s plays on it. The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer shows you how to make the best Christmas gift that special Aaronic Priesthood holder in your life will ever get.  

You’re welcome, Zion.

Step 1: Go to a large store.  (The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer does not get any special funding from large stores that use predatory practices to destroy small businesses and local culture, so the sign here has been blurred.  But if a large store that uses predatory practices to destroy small businesses and local culture would like to sponsor or support Zion’s Finest News Source, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact us!)

Step 2: Purchase a Football Wrist Coach, and item that can be found in the sporting goods section.

Step 3: Make up a card with the Sacrament prayers on it to the size of the insert.  (Bonus points if you can make it from memory without having to look up the prayers.)

Step 4: Insert the card into the wristband.

Now your Aaronic Priesthood holder is ready, with his Aaronic Priesthood Wrist Coach, to bless the sacrament.

Bonus: Other important Aaronic (and Melchizedek!) Priesthood messages can also be conveyed with the Wrist Coach.

Happy Holidays from everyone at the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer!