Monday, January 28, 2013


FLAGSTAFF, AZ—In order to motivate themselves, the presidency of the Flagstaff 5th ward has a secret Fantasy Home Teacher league.  According to the quorum president David Green, “we starting doing the league just after we were called in early 2012 and it sort of helps us to keep better quorum statistics, stay motivated, compete against each other, and trash talk while doing our callings.”

President Green came up with the idea, and quorum secretary, Jeremy Lynch, who has some computer programming skills, set up the electronic league.  “Yah, we can make roster changes and everything, thanks to Lynch,” reported second counselor Daniel Utley.  “Last month,” continued Utley, “I benched (home teaching companions) Rust and York, and that turned out to be brilliant.  They didn’t do a thing!” 

The league has had several modifications since its inception.  “What we do now,” explained first counselor Greg Sherwood, “is that you have to do the home teaching interviews for your team, that way you know who home taught and who didn’t.  And of course, you make sure to do those interviews and to let them know that there is a warm place in hell for someone who just makes a call or tries to count posting something on Facebook as a visit.” 

Another early change was the Presidency Multiplier or “PM.”  “(President David) Green came up with the PM, which means that if a member of the presidency visits all of his families, he gets one point, but if he doesn’t, he gets zero points.  His team points are multiplied by that total, so he gets no points if he doesn’t do his visits,” explained Brother Utley.  Utley added, “so, yah, I’m usually done by the 10th, at the latest.” 

“We have tried all sorts of strategies,” remarked Lynch.  “I drafted a newly returned missionary and put him with a guy on my bench, but that only paid off for three months, and then he went back to the Czech Republic to marry some girl he had baptized.”  When asked about his companion, Lynch lamented that “he went right back to the bench,” adding, that “he is sort of the Mark Sanchez of home teachers.”

When asked why the presidency was willing to go on the record about their secret league, they laughingly remarked that “nobody reads blogs” and that “the only way it could reach fewer people is if it were published in an academic journal or part of the privacy statement for the church’s scripture app.”


  1. Bro. Tucker, you are awesome, this article speaks to the heart....

  2. The "Mark Sanchez of home teachers"--classic! Great piece.