EVEN SATAN RETHINKING SUPPORT FOR NRA

Even Before Fall, Satan Close to NRA

GEHENNA—A series of internal emails reveals that even Lucifer is reconsidering his support for the National Rifle Association. In these emails, obtained by The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, several advisors close to the Prince of Darkness stated that “the Father of All Lies naturally supports [the NRA’s] goals, but we are into evil, not *** **** [guano] crazy.”

The emails did not include proper names, and so far efforts to pinpoint exactly who the correspondents might be have been futile.  Two key writers on the issue include one identified only as “His Great Shining-Headed Dark Lord Rove” and one called “His Seething Evilness LaPierre.”

Those emails typically praised the organization’s high accomplishments among Mormons, including “paranoia, the fear of different ideas, strife, and the linking of free agency with the right to carry an assault rifle” as well as foisting on Mormons “the principle of storing wheat and storing ammunition.”  Also praised was the NRA’s “commendable duplicity,” “perverse approach to logic,” and deployment of those with “Mitt-like hair.” 

In spite of this praise, the emails expressed grave concerns, the most important of which was the violation of “The Beelzebub Standard.”  As described in the emails, this standard, known simply as “The BS,” sets limits on how far one can lie without risking a complete loss of credibility. In a particularly pointed missive, one assistant to the Devil said that “saying that the NRA is trying to make people safe” goes far beyond the “limits set by The BS.”  The writer clarified that the most egregious lies permitted by “The BS” include “Assad is the President of Just and Comprehensive Peace,” “Glitter is the feel-good movie of the summer,” and “Utah is beautiful.”