Monday, December 31, 2012


By Clyde Ward

Boca Raton, FL—President Donald Gibbons has apologized for the prank that he pulled by using disappearing ink on several temple recommends.  The ink that President Gibbons used was made to disappear after 24 hours, causing embarrassment when temple patrons arrived with blank recommends.

In his written apology, President Gibbons explained that “he thought that they would not use their recommends until (their son) Elder Williams took out his endowments in two weeks” at which time the Stake President would “vouch for the members at the temple.”  As it turned out, Elder Williams’s parents went to the temple two days before, only to be turned away because their recommends appeared to be blank.

When asked about the incident, Brother Williams said “I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was really worried.”  Part of Brother Williams’s anxiety came because President Gibbons had told a long story about ink disappearing from the recommends of the unworthy.  “So when I got there,” continued Brother Williams, “I was sure that the Lord was holding me accountable for all the extra breath mints I was popping last fast Sunday.” 

Brother and Sister Williams were very relieved to know that it was just a prank, though both noted that the ride home from the Orlando temple was very tense.  Sister Williams reportedly asked if perhaps it was not because Brother Williams had “lingered to long over the bra and panties pictures in the Sunday JCPenney ads.”  For his part, Brother Williams accused his wife of “adding a shot of caffeinated Diet Coke to her Sprite” when they were at Taco Bell the previous Saturday. 

After a heartfelt talk, both agreed to be more exact in their obedience, but concluded that the Lord may have been punishing both of them for knowingly allowing their son mislabel the inappropriate music on his Ipod as “Janice Kapp Perry.”  

Monday, December 24, 2012


Heston Shows Option For Wards Near Water
By Christopher Bigelow

SALT LAKE CITY, UT--With the success of the member meetinghouse cleaning program, the LDS Church today announced a new program requiring members to physically generate the electricity for their meetinghouses.

”The ward cleaning program has taught members to take more responsibility and put more real effort into the Lord’s kingdom,” said church spokesman Trevor Curtis. “Not to mention all the money the church is saving on professional custodians. Now we’re expanding the spirit of this success by taking all church meetinghouses off the power grid effective January 1, 2013.”

In church buildings throughout North America, workers today began repurposing classrooms into places where members can ride stationary bicycles and treadmills to generate electricity, which will be stored in an onsite battery.

”In our ward, we’ve already identified the members who, um, need to be called as power generators,” said Bishop Keith Sutherland of Lehi, Utah. “If you drink too much eggnog this holiday season, you might just get a power calling come spring.”

Each power generator must contribute 10 hours of exercise a week, but they can set their own schedule. In the event a meetinghouse battery does not contain enough power for Sunday meetings, the Aaronic priesthood can be put to work on an emergency basis.

An LDS Church R&D team is currently developing a perpetual-motion generator to harness the energy of children who run around inside the building or on church grounds. Another R&D project involves capturing methane emissions in nursery, deacon, and high-priest classrooms. A theological committee at church headquarters is looking into the spiritual feasibility of assigning misbehaving members to pedal or walk away their sins.

When asked about rumors of experiments with members generating electricity through faith, fasting, and/or the power of the priesthood, spokesman Trevor Curtis declined to comment, except to state, “Let’s just say that the higher a ward’s percentage of home and visiting teaching is, the brighter their lights will be and the warmer their air.”

Thursday, December 20, 2012


MISSIONARY TRAINING CENTER, PROVO, UT—New evidence coming out of the church’s Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah gives greater credence to the long-suspected belief that Santa Claus was secretly baptized.  The evidence points toward the early to mid-90’s as the time frame for when St. Nicolas joined the Church. 

Elder Garret Handley, from Las Vegas, Nevada, and his companion, Elder David Smith, from Muncie, Indiana, corroborated that they heard from four other elders over lunch that “two missionaries in the way north of Canada, who tract on snow mobiles” met and taught Father Christmas.  According to Handley and Smith, when they expressed doubts about the claim, one of the elders said that one of the baptizing missionaries was his cousin’s roommate during his freshman year at BYU.

In addition to Handley and Smith, other missionaries also affirmed Sinterklaas’s clandestine church membership.   Elder Trevor Holmes, from Dayton, Ohio, stated for the record that “Santa saw how nice and happy the Mormons were and just knew that they had something special.” Elder Holmes further elaborated that giving up the pipe “was really no problem for Santa, but Mrs. Claus had lots of doubts and didn’t want to stop drinking tea.”  Elder Holmes then added, “oh, and she was worried about what her family in Florida would say.”

When asked about the sources for these claims, most missionaries cited other missionaries or friends who had recently been at the Missionary Training Center.  The other most often cited source were seminary teachers, who usually mentioned Santa’s secret baptism during lessons on other unacknowledged baptisms of people like Lionel Richie, Steve Martin, Travis Barker, Mike Weir, Elvis, Albus Dumbledore, and, most recently, Taylor Swift. Most of these seminary lessons seemed to include a component about how Bigfoot is Cain, a claim that is also universally affirmed at the MTC.  

Monday, December 17, 2012


SALT LAKE CITY, UT.—Reports out of Salt Lake City indicate that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints may be testing a new website where members can now arrange their polygamous marriages in the celestial kingdom.  The pilot site, called EEEternal CompanionSSS, allows members to “call and elect” spouses to be sealed to them during the Millennium.

Blaine Carls Carlsen, who said that his Vernal ward was invited to participate in the pilot, reported that arranging a “goodly stock of sister wives” was a simple as tagging their pictures.  He did note that “some of the pictures weren’t that great, so some of the women added notes like ‘wait til you see me after the resurrection’.”  Brother Carlsen said that he wasn’t sure if he had that kind of faith.

Beta testing was delayed as developers tried to select an appropriate slogan.  One source, who could not give his name, claimed that “it really came down to two choices—‘Pick Well, for there will be planets to populate’ and ‘If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear (getting stuck with fatties or feminists)’.”

For all of the work, general release of the site faces serious delays and challenges.  “We’ve had many unexpected problems,” reports another unnamed source.

He continued, “it seems like things got out of hand in a test ward outside of Denver.  We noticed irregularities when an unknown user uploaded pictures of the ward’s Nursery leader, Relief Society Secretary, and Miamaid class president, immediately tagged all three, and then suddenly we got a call about some unusual disciplinary councils involving their husbands or boyfriends.”

The unnamed source concluded by saying, “well, now we know how Joseph felt,” adding, “but at least he didn’t have the internet to deal with!”

Developers admit that some of the problems should have been anticipated.  “We really should have seen that one coming,” reported an unnamed developer when asked about the Portland ward where the Bishop’s wife had untagged herself from her husband, and instead tagged a less active younger man, his brother, his cousin, and his cousin’s wife.

“We were not sure she understood it,” he remarked, “but after looking into the case, it is clear that she did.”  

Monday, December 10, 2012


TACOMA, WA—Jeremy “Meat Locker” Lasater, winner of three Ultimate Fighting Championship titles, revealed earlier this week that much of his inspiration comes from LDS Sacrament meetings.  Though Lasater is not himself a Mormon, about six years ago, when he was dating Mormon MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) professional Brenda “Death Match” Simpson, she persuaded Lasater to attend one Sunday.  Lasater reported, “that Sunday changed my life and my career.”  When asked to elaborate, Lasater said, “I saw a 3 year-old girl use moves on her 8 year-old brother that I hadn’t even seen in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.  It was amazing.”

Though Lasater’s relationship with Simpson ended in 2007, he has continued to attend LDS Sunday meetings regularly.  Lasater attributes much of his success over those years to the inspiration found there.  “In 2009,” Lasater stated, “at the World Extreme Cagefight, the ‘ground-and-pound’ move that I used was something I had seen the previous Sunday at a ward in Billings, Montana.  [There is] nothing like a Valiant 8 finally losing it on a twin brother—I mean BAM—head-to-pew-to-floor and OVER!  Wow, it gets me excited just thinking about it.” 

Lasater’s attendance at LDS sacrament meetings has obviously caught the attention of many missionaries.  He admits that he felt drawn to many of the pictures in earlier editions of the Book of Mormon, but has not felt a need to formally join.  When asked about being baptized, Lasater stated that “I know how much the church means to its members, and if I could always work in the Nursery, I mean, YES, what a training ground, but from my point of view, the best things that people like Rulon Gardner and Vai Sikahema got from being Mormon are techniques and toughness.  I’m not sure I need to be baptized to get that.”

When asked about professional wrestling, Lasater admits the draw.  He explained, “I have thought long and hard about professional wrestling.  I’m not into the costumes, glitz, and the acting, but I have seen a Sunbeam do things with a hymnbook that I would LOVE to try out on another human being.”    

Monday, December 3, 2012


Unidentified LDS Apostle,
maybe Cook or Hales,
Receiving NHL Revelation
SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Reports from various Canadian saints indicate an increasing number of apostles linking the National Hockey League lockout with lowering levels of tithing and donations.  Jonathan and Barbara Dime from Vancouver noted that in a recent stake conference, Elder Bednar said that “we will not see the strength of the Lord in the faceoff that is mortality unless we are true and faithful, including in our tithes and offerings.”

Other saints reported similar messages in many parts of True North Strong and Free.  Mike Turley from Alberta, Ontario said that Elder Packer had warned the saints there that “the windows of heaven have been closed because you have not filled the Lord’s storehouse.  So long as those windows are closed nothing is falling to the ice, neither pucks nor skates, gloves nor sticks, blood nor teeth, until you do as God has commanded.” 

The voice of warning has also been sounded by Elder Holland, who reportedly told saints in Montreal that “we don’t want to linger in the penalty box of sin or allow a Satanic powerplay to thwart our efforts to score points for the Lord.” 

In spite of the many reports of apostolic warnings in the Great White North, there seems to be no proof for the rumor that the effort to harmonize and “smooth over” spiritual pits, streaks, and deficiencies has been labeled “Project Zamboni.”  When asked if saints in the Lower 48 were also being punished, anonymous sources at church headquarters reported that in the United States “hockey only counts in the Olympics.”