CANADIAN HOCKEY DROUGHT LINKED TO LACK OF TITHES

Unidentified LDS Apostle,
maybe Cook or Hales,
Receiving NHL Revelation 

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Reports from various Canadian saints indicate an increasing number of apostles linking the National Hockey League lockout with lowering levels of tithing and donations.  Jonathan and Barbara Dime from Vancouver noted that in a recent stake conference, Elder Bednar said that “we will not see the strength of the Lord in the faceoff that is mortality unless we are true and faithful, including in our tithes and offerings.”

Other saints reported similar messages in many parts of True North Strong and Free.  Mike Turley from Alberta, Ontario said that Elder Packer had warned the saints there that “the windows of heaven have been closed because you have not filled the Lord’s storehouse.  So long as those windows are closed nothing is falling to the ice, neither pucks nor skates, gloves nor sticks, blood nor teeth, until you do as God has commanded.” 

The voice of warning has also been sounded by Elder Holland, who reportedly told saints in Montreal that “we don’t want to linger in the penalty box of sin or allow a Satanic powerplay to thwart our efforts to score points for the Lord.” 

In spite of the many reports of apostolic warnings in the Great White North, there seems to be no proof for the rumor that the effort to harmonize and “smooth over” spiritual pits, streaks, and deficiencies has been labeled “Project Zamboni.”  When asked if saints in the Lower 48 were also being punished, anonymous sources at church headquarters reported that in the United States “hockey only counts in the Olympics.”