CHURCH TESTING NEW WEBSITE FOR CELESTIAL POLYGAMOUS MARRIAGES

SALT LAKE CITY, UT.—Reports out of Salt Lake City indicate that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints may be testing a new website where members can now arrange their polygamous marriages in the celestial kingdom.  The pilot site, called EEEternal CompanionSSS, allows members to “call and elect” spouses to be sealed to them during the Millennium.

Blaine Carls Carlsen, who said that his Vernal ward was invited to participate in the pilot, reported that arranging a “goodly stock of sister wives” was a simple as tagging their pictures.  He did note that “some of the pictures weren’t that great, so some of the women added notes like ‘wait til you see me after the resurrection’.”  Brother Carlsen said that he wasn’t sure if he had that kind of faith.

Beta testing was delayed as developers tried to select an appropriate slogan.  One source, who could not give his name, claimed that “it really came down to two choices—‘Pick Well, for there will be planets to populate’ and ‘If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear (getting stuck with fatties or feminists)’.”

For all of the work, general release of the site faces serious delays and challenges.  “We’ve had many unexpected problems,” reports another unnamed source.

He continued, “it seems like things got out of hand in a test ward outside of Denver.  We noticed irregularities when an unknown user uploaded pictures of the ward’s Nursery leader, Relief Society Secretary, and Miamaid class president, immediately tagged all three, and then suddenly we got a call about some unusual disciplinary councils involving their husbands or boyfriends.”

The unnamed source concluded by saying, “well, now we know how Joseph felt,” adding, “but at least he didn’t have the internet to deal with!”

Developers admit that some of the problems should have been anticipated.  “We really should have seen that one coming,” reported an unnamed developer when asked about the Portland ward where the Bishop’s wife had untagged herself from her husband, and instead tagged a less active younger man, his brother, his cousin, and his cousin’s wife.

“We were not sure she understood it,” he remarked, “but after looking into the case, it is clear that she did.”