Tuesday, April 17, 2012


The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer presents the Sunday school class rating system, designed to help you get the most out of your Sabbath. The system will be implemented Church-wide as soon as we can get it approved by the Salt Lake correlation committee.

GT = Guilt Trip: Class members likely to be raked over coals related to issues such as home teaching, family history, temple attendance, fast offerings, what you feed your children, and your television-watching habits. To be sure, you really do need to be reminded of all the people who will not want to shake your hand in the post-mortal sphere.

S = Spiritchal: Appropriate for all but the saccharine-intolerant.

L = Learned: May contain gratuitous Hugh Nibley quotes, graduate school references, and vaguely British accents. Remember to bring along the current issue of the Journal of Mormon History.

E = Engaged: Warning! The teacher will assume that you actually read and prepared and will attempt to engage the class in a thoughtful, spiritual discussion.  

PDSM = Prepared during Sacrament Meeting. 

R = Recycled: Contains almost 100 percent recycled content. Please find a way to reuse the strips of paper with quotes on them.

M = Missionaries: Yes, they have been set apart, but, still they are, at best, in their early 20's and may or may not have any idea what they are talking about.

A = Apocalyptic: May contain graphic descriptions of world's horrors, including but not limited to porn, video games, Democratic presidents, public school teachers, and Hannah Montana. Teacher is willing to give you good deal on gold bullion.

Q = Quiet:  This instructor is not afraid of quiet.  Eventually, the nervous chatterboxes in the class will run out of steam leaving thoughtful but shy people room to comment. May contain actual learning.

BRM = Bruce R. McConkie will be the only general authority cited in the lesson—and indeed, in any lesson this teacher gives. Quotes from Ezra Taft Benson and Joseph Fielding Smith will be tolerated.

1 comment:

  1. What about "P" - "Political" -- Teacher will mingle the philosophies of men with scripture in the firm belief that things s/he heard on Fox News are actually doctrine.