Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Mormon-free News Day Shocks Nation

News anchor Barbie stands speechless, having no Mormons to report on.
By Stephen Carter

The nation is still reeling from the shock of a news day completely free of Mormonism. Nary a mention of polygamy, Joanna Brooks, magic underwear, or funeral potatoes showed up anywhere in print, online, or over broadcast or cable channels.

Even Mitt Romney failed to make the news, spending the day getting a tattoo in an undisclosed location.

"I guess I hadn't realized how much I had come to rely on breathlessly announcing the newest dead celebrity some Mormon had baptized," news anchor Doug Hedstrom says.

"The missionaries knocked on my door and I was so starved for anything Mormon—excommunicated feminists, Obama-hating painters,  the priesthood ban—I actually let them in," part-time realtor Debby Crowthers admits.

The blogging world was paralyzed by the lack of news, having nothing to pontificate upon, freak out about, coo over, or compare to Nazi Germany. In desperation, some bloggers turned to poetry.

"Like the day JFK was shot, this momentous day will go down in history," states Harold Dwight of LDS public relations. "People will ask each other, 'What were you doing the day the  Mormons utterly failed to make the news?' And I have no doubt that they'll remember  ... Oh yes. They'll remember well."

"We assure our loyal readers and watchers that we have learned an important lesson from this traumatically Mormon-free news day," said Les Morris, president of News Providers United, an organization of media outlets. "Never will you have to live through another dark time such as this."

In other news, Elder David Archuleta had a minor spat with his MTC companion over socks.

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