THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO HOW TO PROPOSE

AREA LAUREL ABOUT TO JOIN FIRST DRUG- AND ALCOHOL-FUELED ORGY STOPPED IN HER TRACKS BY MEMORY OF LAST SUNDAY’S PARTICULAR SPIRITUAL YOUNG WOMEN’S CLASS HANDOUT

Artists Rendition of Possible Handout

COLUMBIA, SC-- Area Laurel Isabel Pelley was about to indulge in her very first drug- and alcohol-fueled orgy when she was stopped in her tracks by the memory of last Sunday’s Young Women’s class handout. “I don’t know where I’d be right now, probably making some hung-over, tweaked-out walk-of-shame from Brad’s house,” reported Isabel, “if the memory of [Laurel Class Advisor] Sister Vasquez’s handout on that dusty pink paper had not flashed before my eyes.”

The young sister Pelley stated that, “Brad had been kinda pressuring me for weeks, and I had said no, but, I don’t know, I sorta didn’t want to disappoint him.” Isabel went on to explain that, “so, we were on our way, when, like a light or something, I could see in my mind the lacy border around that handout, and I just knew that I couldn’t go through with it.” 

Isabel reported that when she told Brad that she had changed her mind, “he started to get all sweet on me, sayin’ that it would be fun and that it was no big deal.” Somewhat persuaded by the young man’s pleas, Isabel indicated that “I started to listen to him, but when he spoke I could see his words in the perfect font that Sister Vasquez had used, you know, the one that looks casual but spiritual.”

“When Brad started to get a little upset,” elaborated Isabel, “I just pictured the clip-art that was at the bottom, and I just knew then and there that whiskey, meth, and sex, and all for the first time, could never take the place of spiritual things in my life, like, you know, whatever was on that handout.”

When asked about the exact content of the handout, Isabel said, “I don’t really remember--it might have been a quote by somebody or something. I think it’s in my scriptures but it might be on the floor in the van.” Unconfirmed sources indicate that the handout, like last Sunday’s lesson, most likely addressed tithing.

MISSIONARY CASTS DUST OFF FEET AGAINST TOPEKA 3RD WARD

Before and After Pictures of What Elder Kesler Imagines Will Happen

TOPEKA, KS—Elder Robert Kesler recently performed the act of casting off the dust of his feet against the Topeka 3^rd Ward.  That act, which was done last Tuesday, came after what Elder Kesler described as “the point at which the Spirit will no longer strive with this generation of vipers who pollute this the Lord’s suburban Kansas vineyard.”

Elder Kesler relayed much of the event in his weekly letter to his mission president.  He told the president that he had “warned and forewarned the slothful, iniquitous, and adulterous children of men that the sword of the Lord’s judgment hangeth over their heads, yea, the day soon cometh that the Kansas river will turn red with your blood and God will cast down your homes, churches, theaters, and Walmarts.” 

In spite of Elder Kesler’s condemnation, he appears to have been alone in concluding that “it shall be more tolerable for the heathen in the day of judgment” than this particular Midwestern ward.  Elder Kesler’s companion, Elder York, told his companion that he would “let him do the dust casting this time” and that he might “give the ward one last chance, just this once.”

Elder York’s letter to the president painted a rather different picture of the situation.  He noted that Elder Kesler had “been pretty worked up recently, even more than usual.”  He elaborated that when they were served lasagna for the third time in one week, Elder Kesler said that “he could only choke it down because the Lord had promised that His servants could consume poison and not be injured.” 

When one of the youth expressed concerns about going on a mission, Elder York noted that Elder Kesler made it clear that “such sinful doubts were exactly how Laman and Lemuel got started.”  Elder Kesler then warned the young man’s family to avoid any long car rides with him or to expect “sibling abuse, rude dancing, and becoming very, very lost.”  Elder Kesler even noted that such a son “might lead their gray hairs to a watery grave, like in the pool of some Motel 8 where they would have to stop.”

According to Elder York, the youth were not the only ones who demonstrated Topeka’s “rising tide of filth and faithlessness.”  Among other “gross sins and abomination” were the bishop’s failure to convert thousands, “even if he had to cut off a few arms to do it,” the relief society president’s failure to implement a plan wherein all compassionate service casseroles would have papers with missionary messages cooked into them, and the music director’s “heinous neglect” of “Called to Serve,” which Elder Kesler wanted to be sung at least twice during every meeting. 

Elder Kesler had gone so far as to warn what he sees as the few faithful members to watch for the fire and brimstone that “will inevitably consume both root and branch.”  When some of those members, concerned about such warnings, asked Elder York about it, Elder York told them not to worry.  Elder York explained that, after he had got up 3 minutes late one morning, he had seen Elder Kesler casting the dust off of his feet against him that evening when he thought that Elder York was asleep.  Elder York concluded that “this happened about 3 months ago, so I think we’re all good.” 

So far there have been no reports of complete annihilation in either Topeka or the other areas where Elder Kesler has served.  

COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED NEW PARENTS SLEEP RIGHT THROUGH ANGEL MORONI VISIT

SACRAMENTO, CA—James and Teri Burke, the completely exhausted parents of a newborn, recently slept right through what would have been a life-altering visit by the angel Moroni. 

Teri gave birth to the Burke’s third child 2 days ago.  Delivery complications first meant that the doctors tried to induce Teri, but ended up having to deliver the Burke’s child via caesarian section. Since then, James, who has been with his wife every step, has found himself scrambling to find people to watch their other children and finish an important work project.   

The days since their daughter’s birth have been a whirlwind of activities, visits, pictures, and adjustments.  Though Teri has struggled less with breast-feeding, her post-partum emotional swings have been just as severe as before.  James has worked hard to relieve his wife of as much stress as possible.

By last night, both James and Teri were so exhausted that they let one child have ice cream for dinner and allowed another to commit what under any other circumstances would have been timeout-worthy misdemeanors. But even in this county fair-like environment, both children fell asleep rather quickly.

Once James and Teri got to go to bed, they fell into the deep sleep-of-the-dead known only to new parents, recently released mission presidents, and deacons at the Priesthood session of General Conference.

 

It was in the midst of this tomb-like slumber that, unbeknownst to them, the Burke’s bedroom filled with a radiant white light rivaling far brighter than the noon-day sun. In this brilliant glow, a man in a celestial robe appeared with a message for the Burkes. After starting his message, he noted that the Burkes had not stirred in the least. The man coughed several times and even raised his voice slightly. When this also met with no reaction, he shook Brother Burke rather violently. Not recognizing the angelic prodding, James rolled over and simply mumbled “she’ll probably go right back to sleep…”

 

Because of their inattentiveness, the angel consulted with other post-mortal messengers and administrators.  They determined to come back later that night, but neither the second nor third visits yielded better results.  There was a discussion about trying to visit them individually the next day, but given both Brother and Sister Burke’s sheer exhausted, they held out little hope of duly rested and attentive recipients. The suggestion that they leave a note was also rejected.

Nothing is known of the exact contents of the intended angelic message, though some reports indicate that it may have included a quote from Isaiah chapter 60.  

AREA WOMAN CONCERNED ABOUT ANSWERS TO PRAYERS

ROCHESTER, NY—Jen Webster of the Rochester 3^rd Ward has become increasingly concerned about the answers she seems to be getting to her prayers.

Sister Webster first became concerned about this nearly two years ago.  At that point she was praying many times a day to know if it was a good time to add one more child to their family of four.  Jen reported that “one day, as I was praying about this, I felt a sudden peace and into my mind I saw, with utter clarity, a turnip.” She continued, “I searched the scriptures for some sort of symbolism or meaning, but I didn’t find anything.”  When she consulted her husband about it, the only insight he could offer was “maybe turnips are a pregnancy craving or maybe we both need to repent and ‘turn-up’ toward God.”  Sister Webster found neither suggestion insightful.

 

Odd answers to prayers did not stop with this one.  On another occasion, Jen thought out a problem, took her plan to the Lord, and then felt what she described as a very distinct “burning in the big toe.”  She elaborated that “this seemed to happen every time I thought about this problem.  One day I concluded that I should not follow through with my plan,” continued Webster, “since the burning was in my left big toe, and the Lord has told us to choose the right.”  Webster concluded that this was a reliable solution, until the next day, when the burning moved to the right big toe.

 

These have not been the only incidents of ambiguous answers to prayers.  When she asked the Lord for inspiration on her talk dealing with tithing, the only clear impression she received was the word “Finland.”  When she prayed about how she might help her 2^nd grade son who was struggling with reading, she had these words flash in her mind: “The value lies not within any particular thing, but in the desire placed on that thing.”  Commenting on that answer, Sister Webster said, “not only do I have no idea what that means, but that sounds like something out of a fortune cookie.”

When asked what she might do about this situation, Sister Webster said, “well, the obvious answer would be to pray about it, and, of course, when I did, the only answer I got was ‘Abraham Lincoln’.” 

ELEVEN THOUGHTS OF A 14 YEAR-OLD WITH ADD DURING A FIRST TRIP TO THE SACRED GROVE

ALTERNATIVE DIMENSIONS EXPERTS THEORIZE ROLE OF BRADY FAMILY HOME TEACHERS

Greg's Young Men's president 
would have sensed the evil 

PROVO, UT—This weekend saw the annual gathering of a group of renowned Mormon scientists and science fiction writers.  The group, called ParalleLDS, explores the possible roles that members of the church might have in alternative time dimensions.

Among this year’s presenters was Andy Roberts, who teaches at the State University of New York at Palmyra.  Dr. Roberts argued that “we can anticipate that an LDS Brady family, living in a very plausible alternative dimension, would have rejoiced as their faithful home teachers gave Marcia a blessing to miraculously heal her nose before that crucial dance.”  Roberts continued that “an inspired Young Men’s president surely would have called to warn Greg about the tiki idol.” 

Other presenters, like Dr. Janice Lawrence from the University of Southern Central Florida, postulated the impact of Mormonism in athletic events in other time dimensions. Dr. Lawrence established that the 1980 US men’s Olympic hockey team “would clearly have braved the baptismal waters of Lake Placid just before defeating the Russian team in order to truly bring to pass a miracle on ice and in the font.” She also established a credible alternate world in which “repentance created more virtuous football players at schools like the University of Miami and USC, players who would not place success on the field above spiritual success.”  As a result, explained Lawrence, “those programs would eschew so called ‘national titles’ in order to be truly, eternally successful, just as BYU’s football team has done in this dimension for almost 30 years!” 

One of the most talked about presentations came from Dr. Kristina Humphries who teaches physics and creative writing at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople.  Dr. Humphries established a breakthrough theory about how the church has grown exponentially in one alternative world.  According to Humphries, “two sister missionaries traveling to an appointment near Los Angeles felt impressed to follow a particular SUV.  When the vehicle stopped in a Brentwood neighborhood, the sister’s followed an impression to knock on the door.”  Dr. Humphries then explained how these inspired sister missionaries “preached the gospel first to the people in the home, who lovingly repented and forsook their sins,” and then the sisters “addressed the cameras that had assembled so that God’s word (instead of the NBA) could be heard throughout the nation.”

Though most presentations were well received, others received considerable criticism. When a professor postulated a world in which Jon McNaughton could respectfully see the value of religious, cultural, and political pluralism, he was roundly criticized as proposing “something so wildly implausible and absurdly unthinkable” that “by its very nature may violate fundamental principles of the space-time continuum as well is bring ParalleLDS’s work into disrepute.”  McNaughton reportedly responded with a life-size painting of Jesus weeping at the sight of McNaughton's critics, many of whom happened to be reading articles from the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.

SATAN WORKING ON SPIRIT-CANCELLING HEADPHONES

GAHENNA—Sources inside Satan’s Kingdom indicate that he may be trying to develop Spirit-cancelling headphones. Those sources report that Hell’s technology wing, Siren Systems, is working on headphones that will block the gentle whisperings of the Holy Ghost so that missionaries will not “stop at one last place,” home teachers will not “give that family a call,” and Relief Society teachers will not “rethink the centerpiece and handouts.” The same unnamed sources indicate that this will go a long way in preventing the sort of “spontaneous and inspired acts” that so often foil carefully laid demonic plans.

Reports outline how Siren Systems, an acronym meaning “Satanic Inspiration-Removal Electronic Nanotechnologies” is also developing noise-generating headphones that will serve the same function. Leaked emails (“e” not for “electronic” but for “evil”) describe the noise-generating headphones as “providing victims with a long list of things to do, past sins, present shortcomings, reasons why a spouse is evil, or vuvuzela trio concertos” that prevent people from hearing the still, small voice. The email explains that “the sounds of busyness can be just as useful as heavy metal music in keeping people from hearing God.”

Though the product has a number, the MTE-666, the name has not been finalized, though some want to call them “Beats by Dread.”

CHURCH UPDATES PAINTINGS FOR HISTORICAL ACCURACY

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The church has begun a process of updating some paintings to enhance historical accuracy.  The first such update is to a painting called Joseph’s Last Farewell.  A church spokesman commented that the updated version “gives a greater sense of the polygamous relationships Joseph had at the end of his life.”

THE FRIEND TO COVER RECENT SUPREME COURT RULING

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—According to reports, The Friend’s August 2013 issue will feature an article addressing the recent Supreme Court Ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act.

The article, titled “We Are All Friends,” will explain the implications of the ruling for Primary-aged LDS children who may feel confused. Sources indicate that the cover picture will show “very concerned grandparents reading the newspaper or watching television,” while children in the foreground “smile, play, and hold hands, seemingly unaware of same-sex hand-holding taboos.”

Only a few unconfirmed details about the article's text have emerged. Reports indicate that the article will discuss the work of the Supreme Court saying that “some nice people who wear funny black shower curtains to work have been thinking about families.” It goes on to elaborate that “now, even if you have two daddies or two mommies, you are just as much their child and just as much a family.” 

Further reports indicate that children will be told that “having a mommy and a daddy is still just as nice, and now we can all feel like we belong.” To clarify other aspects of the ruling, including how divorced same-sex partners can now have custody rights, the article will explain that “kids with a different kind of parents will now, no matter what, get all of the blessings of having those people in their lives.”   

One illustration is said to show “a range of happy children playing together, obviously enjoying the spiritual, emotional, and financial benefits of marriage equality.”  

MTE INTERVIEW WITH TOM MOULD: POKING HIM WITH THE LONG POINTY STICK OF ZION’S FINEST QUESTIONS

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, Zion’s Finest News Source, is glad to give you, our dear readers, the in-depth and groundbreaking interviews that answer the real questions.  We are pleased to post this interview which we recently conducted with Tom Mould, author of Still, the Small Voice: Narrative, Personal Revelation, and The Mormon Folk Tradition. Though other, frankly lesser publications, may attempt similar interviews (and don’t think that we don’t see you, Dialogue!), only the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is willing to really poke current people with the long pointy stick of Zion’s finest questions.  As with all MTE interviews, this was conducted at an undisclosed location and without the victim's interviewee’s knowledge or consent. Cus that’s how we roll. 

MTE: If you had to guess, what secret sins do you think kept Romney from becoming president?

Tom Mould: I don’t really know what you mean by this question.  I’m not sure if it was secret sins…

MTE: Give us your reasons why Harry Reid might secretly be a Muslim?

Tom Mould: Wait, what? I don’t think Harry Reid is a Muslim.

MTE: Do you think that it is just a coincidence that after the Book of Mormon came forth, people starting using “moron” as an insult?

Tom Mould: Um, I really doubt that there is a connection, and please stop following me around this grocery store.

MTE: You study Mormonism, so of course you watched General Conference.  So, podium question: who wore the suit best: Andersen or Nielson?

Tom Mould: You know I’m an anthropologist, right? 

MTE: One more General Conference question: whose tie would you predict will be the real trend-setter as summer starts to heat up?

Tom Mould: Do I even know you?

MTE: Okay, so now let’s talk about your book: There are rumors that the movie rights are being shopped around Hollywood and Vernal.  If you could pick the actor that you want to play the lead, who would it be?

Tom Mould: Did you even read my book? 

MTE: One thing our readers noticed was how skillfully you handled the hot and steamy sex scenes by not including any.  Is this because you are saving them for your next book, or is it because you don’t feel that you are a good enough writer to incorporate vampires?

Tom Mould: Did you even look at the cover?

MTE: Do you feel like the last name Mould has ever held you back?  How about Tom?

Tom Mould: I didn’t until now. Wait, you’re not recording this, are you?

CONFESSIONS OF A DESIGNATED IN-BETWEEN DATE

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—My name is Brandon Welch, I’m 17, almost 18, and it seems like I’ve become the designated In-Between date. If you don’t know what that is, the designated In-Between date is a boy that takes out girls between the dates that they really want to go on. Last Saturday it was Bella Norton, who only went out with me because her parents make her go out with someone different every 3 dates. And, like the safe person that doesn’t drink so he can drive, I’m the designated, safe, In-Between date.

On the outside this seems like a pretty good gig. I get to go out with lots of girls. Sometimes I don’t even have to ask them. They will just come up to me, like when Sandy Koch asked if I wanted to go to a movie. She needed a designated In-Betweener so she could go to prom in three weeks with Alan Stevens. Sandy and Alan had already seen the movie, or, let me restate that, they had been in the dark room where the movie was playing. Sure, as the designated In-Between date I didn’t have to ask her out, but it turned out that she actually wanted to see the movie now that it was me and not Alan next to her. Bummer.

All of the girls I go out with would much rather be with someone else. Julie Thompson spent the whole time at Putt-Putt talking about Jeffrey Horner, all of the things that they had done together and what a great missionary he will be. I’m not sure that she understands some of the church’s rules or what makes a great missionary. And it seemed like a good idea when she said that she wanted to “try some things out on me,” but it wasn’t as much fun when she started whispering Jeffrey’s name. And I don’t even want to know what was up with that nickname!

Sometimes being the designated In-Between date can be okay. I get the inside scoop on lots of relationships, and I have learned a lot about how girls think. It isn’t all misery in the permanent friend zone. But I’m not sure that this is keeping kids from getting serious. Sometimes the girls just have me pick them up and then drop them off at some party, only to have me pick them up later.  I know that Bella is still upset about her family’s dating rule, and she said that half the reason she still sees Logan Price is because her parents don’t like him. She might have dumped him by now, but, let me tell you, it won’t be for the designated In-Betweener.