GRADUALISTS UNITE! (Ok, Slower than Some Might Hope)

Gradualism, from Latin gradus (“step”), is the belief in or the policy of change by gradual, often slow stages.

“SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR EXACT OBEDIENCE” SAY BYU-I STUDENTS WHO CUT OFF FEET, BOTTOM 4-8 INCHES OF THEIR IMMODEST LEGS

This print of a Spanish auto-da-fe illustrates what happened
in Rexburg, except the Spaniards are dressed less modestly.

Rexburg, ID—Over the weekend several BYU-Idaho students, stung with divinely inspired shame conveyed by President Clark’s widely published Facebook post, responded with characteristic faith to his call for strict obedience by cutting off their feet and the bottom 4-8 inches of their immodestly displayed legs. “As a sacrifice, it was a small price to pay” said BYU-Idaho sophomore Stephanie King of Sandpoint Idaho. Said King, “I mean, if the right and the left foot offend you by your pants being too high while President Clark is looking, then I will go and do what strict obedience demands of me!”

Bloody stumps at the end of the legs of students like King were not the only clear signs of faith on the part of the devoted BYU-I students. Junior Daniel Green of Colorado Springs, Colorado had his face almost completely bandaged. When asked about the bandages, Green explained that “I’m sure it was me that President Clark saw, and the stubble that had already grown back in the hour since I had shaved is something that I now know was driving the Spirit from our entire campus!” Green elaborated that “when I felt what can only be described as the burning in the bosom of fiery, celestial guilt, I want home and shaved and shaved in the hope that I could destroy those iniquitous hair follicles for good.” Green concluded by tearfully explaining the joy and relief that washed over him “once my razor made it far enough that it nicked my jaw bone.”

The sight of the joyous auto-da-fé on the part of these students moved many other students to follow suit. Some cut off buttocks that had doubtlessly caused lustful thoughts by being in sports shorts that were not covered by sweatpants.

The only ones not enthusiastically caught up in the public celebration of exact obedience were a small group of “liberal” students and faculty. That group was seen mocking and pointing fingers at the students. They were also overheard expressing their unwavering conviction that if President Clark didn’t do what they thought he should do then he must be a power-hungry, Pharisaical misogynist who perpetuates rape culture and an empty shell of religiosity instead of the true faith Joseph tried to restore. That small group of “faithful” and “rational” people then formed a circle, patted each other on the back, and chanted in unison their four word article of faith: respect, diversity, and tolerance.

ARTICLES NOT IN THE ENSIGN’S UPCOMING SO-PRECIOUS-IT-IS-ALMOST-UNSPEAKABLE-GIFT-OF-GOD’S-POWER-TO-PARTICIPATE-WITH-HIM-IN-HIS-PLAN-OF-BRINGING-SPIRITS-TO-EARTH-AND-CELEBRATING-MARITAL-LOVE-AND-CLOSENESS ISSUE

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: USING GUILT AND MANIPULATION TO BAPTIZE MORE PEOPLE

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

God wants you to use all means possible to get
people to enter the yoke

As a missionary, your sole purpose is to baptize. Talk all you want about getting close to God or growing spiritually or becoming a better person—those are really just things that loser missionaries say who didn’t baptize as many people as they should have. Missionaries might make up lame excuses, like “we served and loved many people” or “I hope this or that family eventually feels like baptism will bless their lives” or “I honor and respect the lives and agency of those I met,” but all of that is cover for their failure to baptize thousands like early missionaries or anyone in South America. We know that the Lord is bound when we do what He says, and what I’m about to say is bound to give you the highest number when people back in your ward ask how many you baptized.

The key to getting people baptized is using guilt and manipulation. Others may not really say it like that, but trust me, you probably have already had some youth leader (or parents!) who used plenty of both, probably to get you on a mission. Guilt and manipulation can be the very key to heaven; they are truly a bright, shining, morning star!

If you are unfamiliar with how to use guilt and manipulation to baptize more people, let me explain. The key is to use someone’s beliefs or relationships against them. Say, for example, you are working with someone who says they believe in the Bible. Your goal is to force them to see how if they believe in the Bible then they must believe everything you are teaching and get baptized. Read some scripture like Amos 3:7 about prophets, and then say that if they believe the Bible then they must believe that there are always prophets all of the time and since you have a church with a prophet, you must be right and, since they believe in the Bible, they have to get baptized. Or read the scripture in John about other sheep not of this fold and prove that that means that the Book of Mormon is true and that if they believe the Bible then they must believe in the Book of Mormon and be baptized. As you can see, your study time should be spent finding scriptures you can use to force people to see that if they believe the Bible then they must believe you and be baptized. It is as easy as that!

Some people are either not yet convinced or they don’t believe all that much in the Bible. Fair enough. Then you ask them if they love their children or parents. If they say yes, then you say that if they really love them then they will join the church that helps them be together forever and that they must get baptized. If they dodge this, then show something like “I’ll Build You a Rainbow” or something else that makes a powerful emotional appeal, and show them that if they really love those people, they will get baptized. 

Some missionaries lose sight of this. Instead of being bold, denouncing sin with the power of the sword of truth, they talk about creating a mutually respectful environment where they are as open as they would want the investigator to be. Those missionaries have lost sight of the fact that they are the only ones with the truth and that you have been commanded to baptize. Missionaries who have lost the true vision of missionary work love and weep for people who decide to no longer hear their message. True missionaries keep going back, keep using powerful emotional pressure, and keep making arguments that are tighter and tighter until every investigator enters the yoke of the Lord. It may be hard work keeping investigators anxious and feeling the heavy load of guilt and manipulation, but trust me, if you want get rid of ambiguity and doubts and if you want to tell your mission president, parents, ward members back home, and friends that you had lots and lots of baptisms, there is no other way!

The Best of Luck,

Elder Kory Anton

PS: This article is probably from Satan--Avoid!

LDS ARCHAEOLOGISTS: ANCIENT COVENANT PEOPLE PERFORMED VICARIOUS CIRCUMCISIONS

PROVO, UT—Scholars from BYU’s Department of Archeology have confirmed that ancient covenant people performed vicarious circumcisions as part of their temple worship. Dr. Albert Fenn recently provided compelling evidence that “images and fragments of text reveal that ancient peoples in the Americas and Middle East circumcised adolescent priesthood holders on behalf of dead ancestors who had not had that essential ritual performed themselves.” Though Fenn spoke at length about the ancient Abrahamic foundation for such a practice, a undergraduate assistant who asked to not be named commented that “where today doing baptism for the dead can be sort of ‘mixer’ for young women and men, let’s just say that none of the ancient young men were swinging by Wendy’s or Café Rio for some socializing after getting whatever foreskin they had left snipped off for their ancestors!” The same unnamed student concluded, “you think betting baptized 15 times is a pain…”