NEW BYU STUDENT TEACHES STUDENT WARD SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON—ON DAVID AND BATHSHEBA

Spritzetoni's father suggested she use images of the story
by artists like Rembrandt to illustrate it. She didn't. 

PROVO, UT—Brand new BYU student Regan Spritzetoni volunteered to teach the Sunday School lesson in her new student ward before she realized what that lesson’s topic would be: David and Bathsheba.

“I’ve never been all that shy, so when they asked who might be able to teach, I just said that I would do it,” explained Sister Spritzetoni. She continued, “And then I realized that we were doing 2 Samuel 11, and I thought that that might be a really bad idea.” Spritzetoni initially worried about how she, as an 18 year-old first year student who decided to start in the summer, would address the topic of sexual purity in a class with other, mostly older BYU undergraduates.

When he found out about his daughter’s pedagogical and theological challenge, Sister Spritzetoni’s father had plenty of advice. As a way of addressing the lesson’s central doctrines in an engaging manner, he suggested that she purchase a small, plastic kiddy pool and then encourage class members to act out the story. He also sent along a list of discussion questions that she could use. Some of those questions included, “how would David have had time to wander around on the roof with so many wives probably already nagging him about repainting the dining room?,” “how could David be an example of the dangers of poor planning?”, and “how many soldiers could have ended up dead and their wives pregnant if David had had the Internet?”

In spite of such feedback, Spritzetoni decided to simply follow the manual. In a moment of inspiration as she began the lesson, she also felt guided to “limit comments made by the three awkward returned missionaries in the third row.” Class members seemed to find the lesson a success, partly because of how it reinforced scripture knowledge and testimony and partly because four class members managed to exchange phone numbers.

IMAGES OF 1940’S YOUTH CONFERENCE TURN OUT TO BE PICTURES OF HITLER YOUTH RALLIES

Edited Photograph

PROVO, UT—When Steven Ignatz took his 9^th grade history project to school, he got an unexpected surprise. It turned out that the pictures that his grandparents had always told him were images of youth conference back in Germany in the 1940’s were actually images of a very different “youth conference:” Nazi Germany’s Hitler Youth gatherings.

Original Photograph

“Steven and his family are just some of the nicest, cleanest, and most organized kids in the school, so it was a real shocker,” reported 9^th grade history teacher Monica Olivier. “Sure, those Ignatz kids are all natural leaders, but no one would have expected something like this,” stated a horrified Olivier.

The images were part of Steven’s family history project. One image seems to show several young women, all dressed in white and holding hands with a banner in the back. Ignatz’s history teacher noticed that the banner seemed wrong, since “it had the YW logo on it. Well, I checked some of the History image databases, and there was the original image, and it was a gathering of young female Nazis,” explained Olivier.

Steven stated that he simply took the pictures from a family history book that “his gramma spent a lot of time on” many years ago. He was just as shocked as the other students when the pictures that he thought were his grandfather and “a whole lot of very, very excited boy scouts” turned out to be thousands of parading young Arians bent on world domination.

For his part, Steven’s father Emmerich was less surprised. “Of course I didn’t think that my mother had gone so far as to change the pictures and re-write it all, but the family’s past does not surprise me,” explained Brother Ignatz. “I remember a very, very strange feeling of comfort and home when I went to the MTC.” Ignatz elaborated that there “we would line up and march into the devotionals singing ‘Called to Serve’ in our identical suits and clean white shirts, so when I ended up watching those Leni Riefenstahl films in my cinema history courses years later, those original enthusiastic feelings all made sense to me!”

Emmerich, who works in his stake’s Young Men program, also noted that “now that I know more about my family’s past, when I see all of those blond youth at the stake dances doing those line dances in complete unison, I feel the oddest mix of nostalgia and revulsion.” Concluded Ignatz, “at the last dance, when I heard the guy in the song say, ‘Everybody clap your hands,’ and saw the kids form perfect lines and move together in mindless synchronization, I just had to go wait in the van.”

WEAKLY AFFIRMATION: GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS IN 3 WAYS

SATAN’S “BOOK OF DEATH” FACES MORE PRODUCTION SNAGS

THIRD LEVEL, EIGHT CORNICE OF INFERNAL DEPTH (PRINT SHOP/KMART RETURNS)—Reports out of Hell indicate that Satan’s efforts to maintain a “Book of Death” to rival Heaven’s “Book of Life” have again hit several production snags.

“It looked like we were in good shape several months ago,” reported Dark Lord Hookworm, executive director of Hell’s Print Shop/Kmart Returns. “But when the project presentation was made, we realized that it would not last as long as we wanted,” said Hookworm. When asked about the problem, Hookworm explained that “the entire list of all of the sins humans had committed on Earth was stored in 666 floppy disks.” Hookworm added, “those are disappearing already, so obviously they would not be around at the End of Days!” 

Further production delays have already marred a project whose goal is to “make sure every sinner is duly punished on Judgment day,” according to Hookworm. “Before the most recent problem, other versions of the Book of Death had been stored on Betamax video cassettes, HD DVDs and most recently on several Zune players,” said Hookworm. At one time the project was even stored on 8 track tapes. When asked about those failed versions, Hookworm said that “that is nothing compared to all of the money we spent uploading it to Friendster and putting it on free AOL Trial CDs.”  

Meanwhile, reports out of Heaven indicate that all of the contents of the Book of Life have recently been moved to, of course, Celestial Cloud-based storage. Concluded Hookworm, “we just do not seem to have the foresight of those upstairs guys, dammit!”

DRAMATIC MARITAL TURNAROUND ALLOWS AREA WOMAN TO ALMOST COMPLETELY STOP BLOGGING

ALLENTOWN, PA—The dramatic turnaround in Jen Curry’s 8 year marriage has allowed her to nearly stop blogging entirely. What used to occupy as much as 35 hours each week has dwindled down to a mere 2-3 hours, as Jen and her husband Mike have rekindled a loving flame that had diminished to mere embers.

The Curry’s dramatic marital turnaround began when Jen’s sister told her about her imminent divorce. What seems to have been most disconcerting for Jen was that her sister’s marriage was not ending because of abuse, excessive fighting, money problems, infidelity, or other dramatic shifts. Instead, Jen noted that “my sister and her husband just grew so far apart that they could no longer even really communicate, and soon there was nothing left to their relationship.”

In response to her sister’s divorce, Jen noted that “I realized that writing for three blogs, keeping up with and commenting frequently on several others as well as being on Facebook and other social media was starting to take the place of what I was missing in my marriage.” 

Jen spoke with Mike about this, and both agreed to seek counseling and set a regular date night. “At first it was difficult,” reported Jen. “It was awkward and sometimes painful, and when that happened, you know, I just wanted to escape of into Pinterest.” But Jen and Mike stuck with it, and Jen soon found that her interest in social media waned as her marriage strengthened.

“Now,” commented Jen, “instead of replying to every post about modesty or home schooling or couponing, I try to think of some ways that Mike and I could connect and enjoy time together.” 

For his part, Mike reported that he has not made any changes. “I don’t do the whole blog thing, and I think it has been 7 months since I was on Facebook.” But Mike did admit that this year he is managing only 2 fantasy football teams. In contrast, last year Mike had 11 fantasy football teams, managed 4 different leagues, and could name the top 30 running backs faster than he could identify his wife’s church calling.