Members Inspired by Olympics

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—This week Church headquarters has received a large number of letters expressing how the Olympic Games have inspired members around the world.

One such letter is from Ana Santos Villanueva of Bogotá, Columbia who writes that seeing the courage and dedication of so many athletes has renewed her motivation to prepare for the temple.  Her sons Ricardo (17) and Jorge (15) were initially not as inspired, but Sister Villanueva reported that they were clearly excited by the efforts of the female beach volleyball athletes.  

“When I asked them if they could see how those athletes work and struggle,” noted Sister Villanueva, “they could hardly talk, they were so moved.”  When Sister Villanueva asked if they also felt the inspirational burnings of the Spirit, “they nodded in reverent affirmation.”    

Sister Ashley James, who is currently serving a full-time mission in Ames, Iowa, wrote to the First Presidency about “watching the entire opening ceremony in the home of the ward mission leader. It reminded me of how many countries there are in the world and how there are people just like me who are, right now, spreading the gospel’s good news.”  

She elaborated on how all of the different events taught her about working with different investigators.  “I’m glad that I watched all of the badminton and the judo events, and not just sports that everyone knows,” explained Sister James, “as those events showed me how sometimes you have to be patient and sometimes you have to pull and grab, spiritually, when doing the Lord's work.”   

“It took a while for my companion to understand, but I was finally able to explain to her how synchronized swimming teaches about cheerfulness and fencing explains how Nephi killed Laban,” Sister James continued.

Many members reported that the Games inspired new resolutions.  Typical of these is a letter from Todd Lane (41) of Oklahoma City.  A life-time member and father of three, Brother Lane wrote that “after seen Gabby Douglas and Oscar Pistorius, their dedication and hard-work, I decided that I’m sure that by the end of the year I can complete the entire Pearl of Great Price. I CAN DO IT”  

Gordon Abrams (24) of Philadelphia affirmed, in a similar vein, “this year I will be the Dream Team of home teachers!  I will probably visit all my three families by December!”

Four Romney Staffers Leave Campaign Over Silly Scripture-based Concerns

By Barley B. Bratt

BOSTON, MA—Sources close to Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney confirmed that four of Romney’s staffers resigned effective Monday, July 17th. All four staffers happen to be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and apparently all had worshiped together on Sunday July 16. Early indications are that elements of the previous day’s Sunday School lesson dealing with chapters 23 through 29 of the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon led to their resignations.

One staffer was Margaret Peat (24) originally from Oxnard, California. Peat reportedly told other Romney volunteers that she could not ignore Romney’s connections with the National Rifle Association.

“When Lamanites converted to the Lord,” Peat explained, “they buried their weapons. They didn’t stockpile them or irrationally defend the right to carry the most lethal killing machines ever invented.”

A second staffer, David Berg (23) from Arlington, Virginia wrote a lengthy resignation note to Romney pointing out the discrepancy between his immigration policy and the Nephite approach to the influx of Anti-Nephi-Lehis. Part of Berg’s letter read, “I don’t want a commander-in-chief who builds walls and scares the vulnerable when the Nephite chief judge not only welcomed immigrants but vowed to protect them.”

Barlow’s close friend Nathan Yates (26) from Falls Church, Virginia reportedly vacillated on those immigration policy conflicts. When Yates had argued that maybe the Nephites “just let them come to pick fruit,” Berg pointed out that the Anti-Nephi-Lehis, unlike undocumented immigrants in the United States, were specifically not treated as slaves.

The fourth staffer, Vince Payton (23) from Hollywood, Florida left after Romney rejected his proposal to rename the Republican party the Anti-Lincoln-Washingtons.

The Alternative Guide to Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day.

Wednesday, August 1 marks Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, when those who approve of Chick-fil-A’s stance against gay marriage will eat at their local Chick-fil-A franchise. Other groups will also be showing their support for various forms of marriage by eating at various restaurants. To make sure our readers don’t get caught making the wrong political statement at lunch, following is an official list of which groups will be eating where.

Those who support heterosexual monogamy will be eating at Chick-fil-A.

Those who support homosexual monogamy will be eating at Ben and Jerry's.

Those who support Britney Spears' marriages will be eating at In-and-Out Burgers.

Those who support concubinage will be eating at Hooters.

Those who support onanism will be eating at One-Man Band.

Those who support platonic marriages will eat at Coldstone Creamery.

Those who support polyandry will be eating at Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

Those who support polygamy will be eating at any Brigham Young University campus.

All of Utah's Wienerschnitzel locations will be closed August 1 without comment.

And stay away from Outback. Just trust us. No one wants to see what will be going on there.