National Report on LDS Religion Shocking, Soporific

Lutheran Pastor Gregory McLaren uncovers the dark secrets of Mormonism.

By Amy Chamberlain

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—A consortium of highly-respected theologians, pastors, and other religious leaders from around the country released a ground-breaking report this week revealing “the real LDS Church”—the mysterious parts of Mormonism that lurk in shadow.

Titled “An Analysis of the Social, Political, and Theological Deviations of Latter-Day Saints,” the report is the culmination of six months of exhaustive, in-depth study by more than two hundred religious experts who embedded themselves in wards and branches throughout the country trying to uncover the hidden aspects of a religion that has polarized American opinion for more than 150 years

The results are shocking.

“Basically, it’s the most boring thing ever,” says Max Rubin Cohen, a professor of early American religion at Princeton University. “I mean, I thought being a Jew was a drag, with all the wailing and moaning about our 5,000 years of bad luck. But when I was a boy going to synagogue, at least I never had to endure a High Priest talking for twenty-five minutes about the glories of food storage.”

“Please let me go home now,” says Lutheran pastor Gregory L. McLaren from Wisconsin. “If I have to go to one more ward “potato bar” dinner and eat ranch dressing with extra-extra-mild cheddar cheese, I may shoot myself. Have these people never heard of hot sauce? Or at least cumin? I’m from the Midwest, and even my childhood food was not this bland.”

Universal Unitarian minister Kelly Chen says that her foray into LDS life raises more questions than it answers. “This is the religion that’s causing all the political furor?” she asks. “Really? The one where the women meet once a month to discuss how to decorate their homes with vinyl lettering?”

“REALLY?” she adds.

In response to the report, Church spokesman F. DeVonn Quackenbush released this statement: “We regret to learn that our visitors did not enjoy the wholesome, budget-friendly food and recreation that their host wards provided. We urge them to keep coming to church regularly; there are dark, mysterious, and peculiar practices within the LDS sphere that they just haven’t encountered yet. We promise. Keep coming and eventually we’ll let you in on all the juicy stuff.” 

Sacrament Meeting Translator Takes Nephi's Advice

By Barely B. Bratt

ORLANDO, FL—Orlando 2^nd Ward Spanish translator Kristine Marcesan has again taken Nephi’s advice.

The need to employ this advice resulted from Brother Kenneth Hall’s recent sacrament talk.  As Brother Hall began by addressing Oliver Cowdery’s “rod of nature” before delving into Jewish burial practices, and concluding with his interpretation of “Zarahemla-ish” hieroglyphs on Aztec temples, Marcesan felt the need to restructure his talk to focus on his assigned topic of fast offerings.

“Nephi has saved me a number of times,” Marcesan has admitted to her visiting teachers when they have asked her about her calling as sacrament meeting translator, “especially when high council speakers come. I just keep reminding myself: ‘Plain and precious. Plain and precious.’”

When asked about Brother Hall’s talk, Brother Alvaréz, a recent immigrant from Chile, noted that during the talk he whispered to his wife, “I enjoy Brother Hall’s simple message of how faith and sacrifice come together when we pay our fast offerings.  It’s nice how he keeps coming back to those three main ideas over and over again.” 

“Yes,” Sister Alvaréz affirmed, “I do enjoy hearing the gospel in its simple purity. But it does seem to require a lot more English words to say the same thing in Spanish.” 

“And have you ever noticed,” Brother Alvaréz remarked, “how sometimes Sister Marcesan seems to be chanting to herself during the talks?”

Sister Alvaréz, nodding her head in recognition replied, “Sometimes it sounds like she is saying, ‘Cut off his head. Cut off his head.’ But I can’t be sure—my English is not so good.”

Snapshot: How has the zombie uprising affected your ward?

Ward choir sounding much better.

More than just Cheerios mashed between pew cushions.

Intellectuals no longer a danger to the Church.

High priest class getting really big.

Many members happy to follow the prophet, eat his brains.

Greeters slightly more enthused.

Same number of mumbled testimonies.

Likely that we’ll trek back to Missouri using zombie-drawn handcarts. 

Everyone brings their own refreshments.

New Revelation Has Nothing to Do with Romney. Nothing

God thinks dogs at 55 miles per hour are totally adorable.

Staff Report

SALT LAKE CITY—In a press conference this morning, LDS Church spokesman Ken Roberts made the surprise announcement that a new revelation had been received.  

The communication focuses on the new doctrine that dogs are "totally OK" with riding for long distances while strapped to the roof of a car.  

"Yea, and behold," the preliminary text reads in part, "verily, I did create the dog, after all, in all its many forms, breeds, and kinds, so if anyone knoweth what they like, I wouldst think that I wouldst. So thou canst totally trust me when I tell thee that the hound, yea, which I hast made as a companion to thee, is completely down with riding on the roofs of thine devices of motion. Yea, even if it's for, say, a few hundred miles. I promise thee."

Spokesman Roberts acknowledged the unusual nature of the divine communication.  "We were as surprised as you were," he stated, "especially given the Church's well-known stance of political neutrality. Wait. What? Why did I say that? Ha ha. I can't see that this has anything to do with politics. That was odd. Must have been the Spirit."

Church leaders will present the revelation at the next General Conference for a vote to have it acknowledged as canonical scripture. "Luckily," said Roberts, "Conference is really close to November, so it will be fresh in peoples' minds. Wait, sorry—what does that have to do with anything?  What is my deal today?"

Additional portions to the revelation include: "Wherefore, is this not like in the days of your fathers?  Verily, did not the children of Israel carry their dogs in such a manner?  And if a man findeth his lost sheep or sheepdog, doth he not place it on his shoulders or bungee it to the luggage rack, that it may be carried to safety?"

Roberts added that other scriptural clarifications may come between "now and Nove . . . I mean, October."  One of those could include the following addition to Mark 7:28: "And she answered and said unto him, Yes, Lord: yet the dogs under the table eat of the children’s crumbs when, Lord, those selfsame dogs are not enjoying fresh air at 55 miles per hour."