Friday, May 4, 2012

New Revelation Has Nothing to Do with Romney. Nothing

God thinks dogs at 55 miles per hour are totally adorable.
Staff Report

SALT LAKE CITY—In a press conference this morning, LDS Church spokesman Ken Roberts made the surprise announcement that a new revelation had been received.  

The communication focuses on the new doctrine that dogs are "totally OK" with riding for long distances while strapped to the roof of a car.  

"Yea, and behold," the preliminary text reads in part, "verily, I did create the dog, after all, in all its many forms, breeds, and kinds, so if anyone knoweth what they like, I wouldst think that I wouldst. So thou canst totally trust me when I tell thee that the hound, yea, which I hast made as a companion to thee, is completely down with riding on the roofs of thine devices of motion. Yea, even if it's for, say, a few hundred miles. I promise thee."

Spokesman Roberts acknowledged the unusual nature of the divine communication.  "We were as surprised as you were," he stated, "especially given the Church's well-known stance of political neutrality. Wait. What? Why did I say that? Ha ha. I can't see that this has anything to do with politics. That was odd. Must have been the Spirit."

Church leaders will present the revelation at the next General Conference for a vote to have it acknowledged as canonical scripture. "Luckily," said Roberts, "Conference is really close to November, so it will be fresh in peoples' minds. Wait, sorry—what does that have to do with anything?  What is my deal today?"

Additional portions to the revelation include: "Wherefore, is this not like in the days of your fathers?  Verily, did not the children of Israel carry their dogs in such a manner?  And if a man findeth his lost sheep or sheepdog, doth he not place it on his shoulders or bungee it to the luggage rack, that it may be carried to safety?"

Roberts added that other scriptural clarifications may come between "now and Nove . . . I mean, October."  One of those could include the following addition to Mark 7:28: "And she answered and said unto him, Yes, Lord: yet the dogs under the table eat of the children’s crumbs when, Lord, those selfsame dogs are not enjoying fresh air at 55 miles per hour."

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