NEW 8 VOLUME SET EXAMINES WRITINGS OF BOOK OF MORMON AUTHOR CHEMISH

Just like this, except, you know, about Chemish

Salt Lake City, UT—The Mormon church, Deseret Book, and the Neal A. Maxwell Institute for Religious Scholarship today announced the publication of an eight volume examination of the writings of the Book of Mormon author Chemish.

“Thankfully, the time has finally come,” explained Clair Hodgkins, “when scholars, theologians, and spiritual people everywhere are really appreciating the amazing insights Chemish offered with a mere sixty-nine words in the middle of the book of Omni!”

Hodgkins is not alone in her enthusiasm for the project. Theologian Spencer Jones added, “we will now have a truly deep, thorough reading of Chemish,” to which he added, “great are the (less than seventy) words of Chemish.”

The eight volume set includes two tomes of scholarly essays from the recent, three-week conference “Chemish: Writer, Keeper of Records, Watcher of Brother” held at Brigham Young University. The set also includes two books of exegesis, a concordance and critical bibliography, an index, a volume that includes replicas of the original Book of Mormon manuscript page and its publication history, and a book-length discussion of Chemish’s critical reception from the early 1800s to the present.

When asked to compare this scholarly project with others like the Joseph Smith Papers, Deseret Book spokesperson Jennifer Webster said, “well, there really is not a lot of comparison, I mean sure Joseph Smith had some insights, and not to take away from him, but how can you really compare Joseph with the power and economy of the words of an ancient scribe/sibling like Chemish?”

The set is priced at $287.95, but, as with all materials from Deseret Book or the Maxwell Institute, the purchase is tithing-deductible.  

BRIDE’S “FRIEND” POOR CHOICE FOR RECEPTION DJ

John Legand: Yes, but All of Me,
Not Used to Love U!

Twin Falls, ID—Sarah Walburn was sure that her long-time “friend,” Wes Mandell, would be an excellent DJ for her recent wedding reception. Sarah was sadly mistaken.

“Wes and I have been best buds since Primary,” said Walburn, “and I know he’s really into music, you know, since he’s made me so many mix tapes over the years, so I thought he’d be perfect to play music at my reception.”

Walburn had a list of songs for Mandell to play, but, according to Mandell, “those songs really didn’t capture this…moment.” Mandell explained that, “I love her choice of Ed Sheeran but ‘Thinking Out Loud’ is not as good as ‘Photograph,’ especially those first lines about how loving can hurt.”

Ed Sheeran wasn’t the only song that Mandell changed. Walburn planned on having Sara Bareilles’ song “I Choose You” play during the cake cutting, but instead Mandell played another Sara Bareillis song: “She Used To Be Mine.”

“Well, the worst part I’d say,” concluded Walburn, “was during the couple dance when he was supposed to play John Legand’s ‘All of Me,’ but for some reason he played John Legand’s ‘Used to Love U.’ I’m sure it was some kind of mistake, but it was...awkward!”

For his part, Mandell said that he has always valued Sarah, “you know, as a ‘friend’,” but that his choice of quietly playing Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me” throughout most of the reception “communicated something everyone really needed to understand.”

RELIEF SOCIETY SISTERS INADVERTENTLY, ENTHUSIASTICALLY WORK OUT TO ABSOLUTELY FILTHY POP SONG

Image from the music video for a song
the sisters do not understand

Layton, UT—Sisters from the Layton South 4^th Ward had a wonderful time working out on exercise bikes, pumping their legs to the infectious rhythm of a pop song with utterly filthy lyrical content.

“Oh yah, I just love that song,” said Sister Alyssa Wahl, second counselor in the Relief Society Presidency, activity organizer, and DJ. “I heard it on the radio and knew it would be super fun.”

The song in question, Ariana Grande’s “Side to Side,” describes how the narrator’s clandestine sexual encounters have been so vigorous as to leave her unable to walk straight. This impaired condition gives rise to the song’s title’s complaint of walking “side to side.” In addition, the sexual encounters, which seem to happen “all day” and “all night,” are with a man disapproved of by the narrator’s friends.

The LDS sisters were largely oblivious to how the song’s narrator acknowledges that the sexual encounters allow both partners to not think about anything, including, one assumes, the physical or moral implications of their energetic sexual get-togethers. The sisters seemed equally unaware that the narrator acknowledges her attraction to the man as a temptation, going so far as to call her relationship a “deal with the devil.”

Far from objecting to the song and its sexual content, content which stands in just about the starkest contrast with what one would believe to be these Mormon women’s ideals, many of the sisters cheered when it started.

“Yah, I saw the music video on Youtube,” said one sister, “and it was cool to see them on exercise bikes.” This sister’s comments reinforced her obliviousness to how Nicki Minaj’s rap portion of the song refers to bicycles in a highly sexualized manner.

The song’s sexually explicit content was not lost on all of those in attendance. As Sister Wahl noted, “my younger sister came to the activity, and she said that I might not want to play that song again because it might not be appropriate.” In response to her sister’s concern, Wahl said that if anyone said anything about it, she would put on something that was “a little old-school,” something “safe and appropriate” that she was sure everyone would enjoy.

Her “safe and appropriate” backup selection was Rihanna’s “Shut Up and Drive.” 

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: WHY GOD ONLY LOVES THE PERFECTLY OBEDIENT

That tightening, claustrophobic feeling 
you get reading this, that is the iron rod!

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men (oh, and girls go too!) for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Today’s lesson might be hard doctrine for some of you, but remember that the wicked take the truth to be hard (1 Nephi 16:2). You can be like those mediocre missionaries, but if you are not perfectly obedient, God will spew you out (Rev. 3:16). Let me put it to you another way: obedience brings blessings, but exact obedience brings miracles. Nothing will help you be more anxiously engaged in this divine work than the constant focus on being completely, flawlessly obedient.

The above truths should be clear to all true, faithful servants of God. Only the faithless, wicked, and people who have not fully repented of what was in their pre-mission browser history can fail to recognize and accept these eternal, celestial truths. We also know that God wants you to work miracles, and if working miracles depends upon exact obedience, how could you allow yourself to give anything less? Finally, keep this in mind: Jesus said that if you love Him you will keep His commandments. If keeping commandments is our primary way of showing God we love Him, how could God love us in return if we are not exactly, perfectly obedient? How should God feel if you miss an important missionary moment—a contact or lesson—because you had sinfully overslept by one minute or had an impure thought or cut thirty seconds short of your gospel study? Again, if you will accept the godly sorrow of your own guilt and let it work in your soul, you will see that God only truly loves miraculous, faithful, exact, and perfectly obedient missionaries.

The above truths are evident to God’s true servants, but some of you, the faithless and wicked, may have a hard time accepting them. You may say things like, “God loves us for who we are—His children,” or “God loves us in our imperfections—that is why we have a Savior.” You may be tempted to say that “the Holy Ghost seems to whisper peace to my soul about my best, imperfect, flawed efforts.” Oh what a wicked and perverse generation, who probably believes God inspires non-Mormons or that un-temple worthy people could be in the celestial kingdom with their family! God commanded us to be perfect (Matt. 5:48), He does not give a command without providing a way for us to do it (1 Nephi 3:7), blessings only come by exact obedience to unchanging laws (D&C 130:20-21), and God expects more of Mormons and even more of missionaries (D&C 82:3)! “Patience with imperfection” might be something God allows for sinful non-members who don’t yet know the truth, but missionaries must live the higher law, God’s higher standard.

Exact obedience is the most important quality missionaries should have. The only way missionaries can feel successful, can know that God loves them, and can be sure that they are acceptable to heaven is exact obedience. Everything else is just faithless, weak excuses!

All the best,

Elder Kory Anton