MORMONS SET ONE WEEK RECORD FOR NUMBER OF FACEBOOK STATUSES CREATED, DELETED

Menlo Park, CA—Facebook announced this morning that during the last week Mormons created a record 8,387,928 Facebook status updates that were deleted within 24 hours.

“What we saw last week was remarkable by any standards,” said David Dengate, spokesperson for Facebook. “To see over 8 million Facebook statuses posted and then so quickly deleted initially baffled everyone here,” elaborated Dengate. He went on to say that “when we looked at the analytics, we saw that it was Mormons who were posting a status, often followed by a number of comments, only to then delete that status.”

Facebook’s extensive analytical tools allowed them to group those statuses by content. What emerged from this examination was that the lion’s share were about Friday’s Supreme Court ruling, with others centered around whether or not Mormons could support that ruling, with other deleted statuses about the confederate flag controversy.

What Facebook researchers found was that some deleted statuses supported while others opposed the Supreme Court’s decision. A typical status of support read something like this: “Love God First and don’t fear men by allowing worldly standards to destroy the family as outlined in the Proclamation. And delete friends with that wicked rainbow picture.” A standard support status went something like this: “Love God First and don’t fear men, even if those men are respected, wise church leaders. You can believe that they are prophets AND that God is pleased with gay marriage, just like you could believe in 1977 that all worthy men should hold the priesthood. If you don’t have a rainbow profile picture, then you would have opposed Blacks getting the priesthood in the 70s.”

Researchers also found that a typical inflammatory status that might quickly get deleted could be “Set your clocks for 14 years; by then the church will accept gay marriage” or “Set your clocks for 14 months; by then we will see the calamities warned about in the Proclamation.”

One status that was very common on the east coast was this one: “All of us Mormons here in North Carolina would like to invite the Supreme Court justices who forced gay marriage on us to come down to our state and take a nice long swim at one of our beaches.” 

When asked to elaborate on so many Facebook statuses created and deleted, one researcher wondered if Mormons had really grasped how to have a respectful, public debate about controversial issues without being offensive or being offended, or how to do it in such a way that Mormons could have genuine difference and diversity while being of one heart and one mind.

I THANK GOD EVERY DAY DONALD TRUMP ISN’T MORMON

Thank Heaven Only One is Mormon!

Commentary by Linda Hollingsworth

Politics is back, and even though the presidential election is not for another year and a half, I believe that for the next 18 months I will thank God every day that Donald Trump isn’t a Mormon.

With Trump’s recent campaign announcement speech came all of the reminders about the last election. And I’ll just admit it—it was stressful for me having a Mormon run for president. We all know that not all of the attention that the church got from Romney’s campaign was positive. That said, at least Romney is not a stark raving idiot who believed he could get Mexico to build some huge border wall!

Romney’s campaign created some difficult conversations before the last election. I actually had a 30 minute conversation about if Mormons had strict smiling and hair standards. Thanks Romney. But at least Romney didn’t sport that pathetic comb over or whatever else Trump has on his lopsided skull!

I was glad when the last election was over—it was fatiguing. I’m sure that this next election will be tiresome, but one huge blessing is the guy who bragged about his net worth and flippantly claimed he could beat both China and ISIS isn’t a Mormon. I know that the “gospel net catches all kinds,” but I’m glad it has never caught him!

JUDGMENT DAY BECOMING REPETITIVE

Commentary by Mark Langston

It started dramatically like this,
but after a few hundred thousand...

Judgment Day has always seemed like a big deal, but I’ve got to say that now that we are about 10 million people into it, it is getting pretty repetitive.

Sure, the first 300,000 or so are great, you know, exciting and interesting stuff. But somehow, around 500,000, it all becomes sort of predictable. You start saying, “Okay, and then she became a teenager and started to be mean and exclusive” or “Yep, and when he got that big promotion and everything was going smoothly he started to feel both entitled and afraid, and that is why he slept with that waitress in Denver.” In the first few hundred thousand there were still some surprises, but once you’ve done a million people you feel like you’ve pretty much seen it all.

I will add this: I’m glad I’m not up until we’ve done a few billion, because by then I’m sure no one will be paying attention except for the people who knew me. When this all started I was worried about having my entire life up on the Big Screen and having my sins shouted from the proverbial rooftops, but after you’ve seen so many sins, especially after you’ve seen so many predictable patterns, well, this whole thing starts to feel like some graduation ceremony that has gone on entirely too long. 

If there is one take away from the whole thing, I’d say it is that other people’s lives are somehow more different yet more similar than one could have known before. The whole process makes me wish I would have paid better attention to people, to their challenges and struggles, before I leapt to such incomplete judgments. Oh, and I wish that I could have maybe been a little more patient with myself, but that was really difficult when I believed that my sins and struggles were so unique and uniquely terrible. 

What I really wish now is that “day” only meant a 24 hour period—my butt really hurts and from what I can see this “day” will last as long as one of those creation periods!

MISSIONARY SEES “MIRACULOUS” PRESERVATION OF EX-GIRLFRIEND’S PICTURE AS SIGN FROM GOD

Replica of “Miracle” Picture

Porto, Portugal—When Elder Jacob Moseley returned from proselyting in his area of Porto, Portugal, to find that everything in his apartment had been destroyed in a fire, he thought that all was lost. But once the firemen gave him clearance to look over the ruins, much to his surprise, Elder Moseley found the “perfectly preserved” photograph of his ex-girlfriend Katherine Thompson. “When I looked down and found Kaytie’s picture among the ash,” said Moseley, “I just knew that, like the picture, God was preserving her for me.”

Elder Moseley found great relief in the “miraculously” preserved picture, especially since his clothing, scriptures, food, bedding, and letters from home where all destroyed in the blaze. Elder Moseley’s companion, Elder Gonçalves from Babajoz, Portugal, was not as lucky as his companion, losing everything in the fire. Said Elder Gonçalves, “the copy of the Book of Mormon that the first missionaries gave my grandparents more than 40 years ago when they joined the church was completely lost, but at least the Lord preserved Elder Moseley’s Ogden high school prom picture of him and Kaytie.” Elder Gonçalves added that “the Lord works in mysterious ways.” 

Elder Moseley, wearing the only mission clothes he has left until he can get money for new shirts and suits, emailed his family this week about seeing the Lord’s hand in “keeping the picture, the hope, and the dream alive” that he and Katherine will “one day, like this picture, be kept from harm by their eternal marriage covenant bond.” 

Elder Moseley’s parents have yet to respond to his faith-promoting experience about Katherine, due in large part to the fact that just a few days ago they attended her wedding reception in their local Ogden ward building’s cultural hall. 

CHURCH INVESTIGATING INSTITUTE ACTIVITY CORRUPTION ALLEGATIONS

FARGO, ND—Church officials recently met with seven high-ranking members of the Fargo Institute Fun Association (FIFA) over corruption allegations brought against the young single adult recreational group.

“We love the young singles here in North Dakota, but there have been some serious allegations brought against FIFA, and we simply need to get to the bottom of it,” said Stake President Donald Miller of the Fargo stake.

Some of the allegations made against FIFA include moving activities to less attractive places like Grand Forks or even Grafton in exchange for additional “gas money” and reserved seats in church “near that attractive newly returned missionary from Mahnomen.” 

Unnamed sources in North Dakota said that “everyone has pretty much accepted corruption in the Fargo Institute Fun Association for years,” adding finally that “even so, they will probably still let Bill Slatter act as president—I don’t really see anything changing.”