This may be little more than pasteboard and scotch tape! |
Provo, UT—Tipped off by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s
Priesthood session talk, officials looking into allegations have confirmed that
Provo “is indeed one massive Potemkin village.” Officials said that “from the ‘mighty’
Provo river to the ‘majestic’ Utah lake, it is all one gigantic sham.”
Officials reported that they had heard rumors about Provo’s
fundamental artificiality for years. “Sure,” said one unnamed source, “I had
heard the first day I came to Utah that unless you are on heavy doses of anti-depressants
it is physically impossible to have actual, real fun at Seven Peaks or to even
happily shop at the mall, but I had no idea about the scope of the deception.”
In spite of persistent rumors, officials had never followed
up on them until Uchtdorf mentioned a town specifically trying to deceive
passersby. When those officials took a closer look, they found that the entire city of Provo “was as real and true as the health benefits of vitamins or aromatherapy or
promises of making ‘good money’ selling Vivint security systems over the
summer.”
Some of the artificiality seemed to be centered on Brigham
Young University’s campus. Said one official, “we found that what were called ‘Religious
Education’ classes were often little more than watered-down Sunday School
lessons with a thin veneer of actual academic rigor.” Other officials noted
that “while some seemed to get something like a real education at the school, the entire university seems to be little more than a massive Mormon singles meet-and-greet.” The
university’s artificiality is even evident in its architecture. In the words
of another official, “first, I don’t know how you call a 12 story building a ‘tower,’
second, that art building looks like a rejected Frank Lloyd Wright sham design
for the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, and finally, that dull, boring,
granite business building looks like the empty box that the Salt Lake Temple
came in!”
Not all passersby were fooled by Provo’s façade. When asked
about the town which many call a “city set on a hill” and a “light to the
world,” Salt Lake City resident Preston Nielson said that “yah, Provo is as
real as the profits generated by Nu Skin and that Noni company!” Nielson went
on to allege that “the entire town seems built on the municipal equivalent of
the idea that one’s obedience buys them salvation.” Nielson himself is proud to
be from a “real” place and to have graduated from a “real university,” the University
of Utah, famous home of Stanley Pons and cold fusion.
Good satire but truth ab beauty (like Provo) will always be a reproach and target to the "great and spacious" scoffers. God DOES bless our dear Provo.
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