MORE GANG VIOLENCE ERUPTS BETWEEN PROMINENT LDS BLOGGERS

One of many slanderous cross stitches
that has recently surfaced in Salt Lake

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Violence again has erupted between prominent LDS bloggers. The violence, which broke out over the weekend when competing bloggers were in Salt Lake City ahead of the church’s General Conference, seems to stem from several long-standing disputes. Those disputes include who actually started the bloggernacle, which blog does the most to improve Zion, and which blog worries the church’s leadership the most.

“This year it was pretty bad,” said one blogger who did not want to give her affiliation.“At one point everything was just blood, rage, and semi-coherent comments like ‘it is your Times and Seasons to die,’ ‘you are all Dove and no Serpent,’ or ‘oh, I will give you some Instruction, Juvenile!’”

Emergency room reports indicate a number of rather serious injuries. When asked about those injuries, hospital staff told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that, “apparently the Modern Mormon Men saw some bloggers from Feminist Mormon Housewives and Zelophenhad’s Daughters and said things like, ‘hey, you don’t have to cover up those shoulders for me,’ or ‘I’ll unload your dishwasher,” or, most offensive of all, ‘I find your modesty attractive,’ and apparently that is how those men ended up here.”

Stoking the violence has been some rather unusual threats. Police reports indicate that a “pastel cross stitch was left outside a conference room where bloggers where meeting. The cross stitch said, ‘Soon it will just be Wheat and Tears for all of you!’” 

“What we found,” reported Salt Lake City police officer Oliver Jensen, “was that accusations of conformity or being ‘almost correlated’ got the strongest reaction.” Jensen gave the example of a blogger, known only as “The Voice of the Uncommon Malcontent,” slanderously shouting at bloggers from Rational Faiths that their posts “sounded like they were ghost written by [Elder Boyd K] Packer.” Jensen continued that, “once we heard language like that, the Molotov cocktails, samurai swords, and jagged, broken bottles of consecrated oil would soon be all over the place!”

When asked about the violence and the Church leadership’s concerns about criticism and activism on LDS blogs, Elder Robert D. Hales, the apostle in charge of Electronic Communication Correlation, said, “wait, what’s a blog?”