By Barley B. Bratt
TAMPA,
FL—Just days after being officially named as the Republican Party’s
presidential candidate, Mitt Romney has been called to serve in the British
Isles mission. According to reports, the call was made on Sunday during
sacrament meeting at the Tampa Fourth Ward, where Romney was visiting.
“You don’t
see that kind of thing much these days,” mused Jacob Richards (68), a high
priest in the ward. “We knew Romney was coming, what with all the Secret
Service crawling around the bathrooms and everything, but when L. Tom Perry
showed up, we were really surprised.”
“Elder
Perry was talking about using the weak things of the world to spread the gospel,”
remembers Brother Richards’ wife, Dorine (65), “and then he paused for a real
long time and said that he felt inspired to call some priesthood brothers on
missions at that very instant. We all thought that he’d call brother Lyman,
since he’s so spiritual and retired—and Brother Dewey and Sister Dewey haven’t
really been getting along, so I can see how the Lord might want him in the
Sandwich Islands—but Mitt Romney was really a surprise.”
Romney’s
staffers have scrambled to control any damage that the call might cause to
Mitt’s bid for the presidency. One staffer, who did not want to be named,
indicated that Romney himself seemed to be looking at a number of options,
including reportedly “asking one of his sons to keep an eye on the country
while he goes to serve the Lord.” Another staffer reported that Romney
has altered his schedule somewhat and will make campaign stops in key East
Coast swing states until he can catch the boat from New York to Liverpool.
Romney’s
wife, Ann, though tearful about her husband’s imminent departure for an
undetermined length of time, expressed gratitude for her children and
grandchildren who can help maintain the family homestead and several vacation
condos. Ann confided in one staffer that she wished that Mitt had been
called, “like that Brother Hill, a few rows up from us, to the Southern State
mission or even the Lamanite mission, and not in a foreign land so far away.”
A third staffer seemed rather confused by
some of the details. That staffer stated that “I think I heard Mitt
say that he was going without even a purse or a script, so maybe Stefan Morris
(a metrosexual staff speech writer) could help him out.”
Called to serve him... You know the song. So funny...
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