Snapshot: The Church would be even truer if...

 . . . if pets could be sealed to you, too.

We had more hymns by Brandon Flowers and Gladys Knight.

We could count MLM pitches as home teaching.

Pews had cup holders.

We had magic underwear that looks like it.

Pets could be sealed to you, too.

Scouts and Young Women took their own damn selves camping.

There was Family Night and Multiply and Replenish night.

People without middle initials could hold important callings.

Sister Sanderson was put in restraints every fast and testimony meeting.

A garment exemption was offered until our wives got beyond "the hot years."

Diet Coke vending machines were installed in the foyers.

General Conference became General Conference Gospel-tastic Flamin' Divine Power Hour-a-Go-Go, produced and directed by David Bowie

CHURCH INTRODUCES NEW "WIN THE FIGHT" RING FOR TEENS

By Christopher Bigelow

For at least two generations now, the LDS Church's Primary children have proudly worn the CTR ring, proclaiming to the world their commitment to "Choose the Right." Many teens and adults also wear this iconic symbol, which has become as important to Mormons as WWJD jewelry and other items are to mainstream Christians.

Recognizing that teens in particular need their own powerful cultural symbols as they form their identities, the Young Men and Young Women general leaders have created a new WTF ring.

"'Win the Fight' is the new rallying cry for today's Mormon teens," said Sister Janiece P. Pratt, Young Women general president. "Imagine a youth adviser teaching her girls about the moral dangers of skinny jeans. The girls might be tempted to roll their eyes. But now, the adviser can say, 'Come on, girls, WIN THE FIGHT!' And the girls can hold up their rings together and chant in unison, 'WTF!'"

Church distribution centers are now setting up displays of WTF rings and other merchandise. "If this catches on with grownups too—hey, all the better," said Sister Pratt. "As these latter days get progressively more corrupt and confusing, WTF serves as an inspiring reminder to set one's priorities straight and keep fighting the good fight."

At press time, Mitt Romney's campaign was preparing to launch a new slogan: "Mitt Romney: Win the Fight," with Romney-themed WTF buttons and banners now being produced.

Snapshot: What Are We Doing on Our Mobile Devices During Sacrament Meeting?

Angry Birds. You got a problem with that?!

Keeping the toddler quiet. She LOVES Zombie Hunt!

Updating my @shitmybishopsays Twitter feed.

Quietly snapping my weekly picture of Sister Brown. A few more weeks and I'll be able to tell if she's pregnant for the ninth time or just getting really fat.

Making sure the church's Wi-Fi blocks all pornographic, anti-Mormon, and Obama-loving websites.

Writing "It's none of your business if I take the sacrament or not!" in a large font to teach that nosy deacon a lesson.

Trying to open the scriptures. Failing.  Giving up and getting my old paper ones out.*
*For over-50s only

Checking whether the talk jives with the Feminist Mormon Housewives.

Frantically playing as many games as I can before the teenager comes back from blessing the sacrament and I have to set a good example again.

Church Expands the "I'm a Mormon" Campaign to Provo, Utah

By Christopher Bigelow

Provo Mormon

"I'm a Mormon" Mormon

PROVO, UT—With the success of the “I’m a Mormon” advertising campaign in cities across the United States, the LDS Church is now preparing to launch the campaign in Provo, Utah.

The decision came after Bonneville Communications executives held a series of focus groups in the predominantly Mormon community.

"After observing church members in Provo, we realize we're in danger of false advertising," said Bonneville executive Todd Spainhower. "The Provo Saints are nothing like the 'I'm a Mormon' people—and I do mean nothing. Seriously, it's like they're visitors from another planet, in comparison.”

Instead of displaying down-to-earth individuality and worldly interests like the "I'm a Mormon" members, Provo Mormons are more like "military robots," Spainhower said. "These Provo people all look and dress alike, not just on Sundays but even during the week. It's like they come off an assembly line. We don't want them to go all the way worldly, but we do want them to become a little more 'of the world'—otherwise people will keep thinking we're a cult."

In contrast with the various adventurous and artistic pursuits of the “I’m a Mormon” people, Spainhower expressed concerns about the activities and hobbies of the Provo Mormons. “It sounded like all they did the entire last week was visit widows and go through the temple, not to mention all these extra church meetings. I mean, do these guys even have a life outside of church?”

For Provo, the "I'm a Mormon" campaign will include some locally tailored messages, such as: 

• You can take some time off from home teaching to go rock climbing and still be a good Mormon.
• Sometimes, being Mormon IS just for Sundays.
• You can lead the sacrament music with either hand and still be righteous.

The church hopes that the campaign will help Provo Mormons embrace their humanity and get with the new "I'm a Mormon" vibe.

In related news, Bonneville confirmed that Mitt Romney’s “I’m a Mormon” profile has been officially rejected.

KBYU ABRUPTLY CANCELS “BAPTIZING FOR THE STARS”

By Stephen Carter

Citing a sudden shift in viewer interests, KBYU has cancelled what would have been its first reality series, Baptizing for the Stars.

"We've heard from very . . . important sources that our viewers are most emphatically NOT interested in doing posthumous baptisms for celebrity personages," said Fillmore Leonard, director of programming. "Rather, they would prefer to watch reruns of 1970's General Conference sessions."

Baptizing for the Stars was to feature photogenic genealogists as they competed to find deceased celebrities whose temple work had not yet been completed. The first season was slated to focus on great authors, the second on heroes of the American West, and the third on the founders of multilevel marketing companies.

One crew member, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed surprise at the sudden cancellation, recounting how she had borne tearful testimony in Relief Society about her experiences during a recent shoot in Santo Domingo. According to internal documents, the episode being taped was about a "young female diarist."

One source affirms that KBYU has had to dispose of thousands of hours of footage featuring high-tension searches through the Family History Library, action-packed microfilm scanning, and tearful reunions between fourth cousins three times removed.

On the bright side, the cancellation may make room for another reality series, Waiting for Elder Right, which, as the tagline promises, "always ends with a wedding."

SATAN UNVEILS PHILOSOPHIES OF MEN MINGLED WITH CHOCOLATE

By Stephen Carter

After millennia of experimentation, Satan believes he has finally found the perfect complement to the philosophies of men.

"I started out ensnaring souls with the philosophies of men mingled with scripture," Satan recounted, "but that only worked on people who were interested in the scriptures, which is, happily, fewer than you would think."

Wanting to appeal to a larger audience, Satan tried out other combinations, mingling the philosophies of men with courtly love poetry, Noh theater, Victorian novels, Vaudeville, Howard Jones, NASCAR, and, in a desperate move, public television.

"But none of them cast as wide a net as I would have liked," he explained. "I was always missing a huge part of the population."

Then, while reading O Magazine, Satan stumbled across a recipe that changed everything. "It was called Everyone Loves Chocolate. One of those recipes that you know you shouldn't make, but if it's in Oprah's magazine, well ... And I realized the recipe's title was an eternal principle ripe for the plucking."

With that, Satan is rolling out the Philosophies of Men Mingled with Chocolate Campaign, which he predicts to be his most effective since the Philosophies of Men Mingled with Star Wars.

To kick things off, Satan is offering Sin Samplers, which, according to the box, include "a mouthwatering assortment of chocolate-coated sin sure to keep your tummy happy and your soul sticky."

Snapshot: What hymns are we singing at our MLM meetings?

Behold a Royal Downline!

Amway the Beautiful

Glorious Things Are Sold in Zion 

Home Can Be a Tax Haven on Earth 

God Loved Us So He Sent this Startup Kit

Praise to the Man (Who Communed with His Network)

If You Could Hie to Xango

Sell, Sell, Ye Saints

Nu Skin is My Light

High on a Pyramid Top

Have I Sold Any Juice in the World Today?

USANA in My Soul

On Simple Souls We Prey 

Church Re-embraces Facial Hair after Disney Bombshell

Sleepy Dwarf: The new standard for Mormon men.

By Christopher Bigelow

SALT LAKE CITY--In the wake of Disney's paradigm-changing decision to allow costumed male cast members to wear facial hair, the LDS Church announced a new policy encouraging Mormon men to wear facial hair.

"In cultural matters, this church has followed Disney since at least the 1940s," said LDS Church spokesman Dan Cleverly. "Walt Disney was a 'dry' 20th-century prophet just as much as C.S. Lewis was, and he understood how the spirit worked and how people should think, behave, and dress to feel in tune and inspired. Times have changed, however."

In this day of gender confusion, noted Cleverly, the church deems it wise for men to reclaim masculine traits, including the beards worn by prophets up until George Albert Smith. Unlike Disney, which limits beard length to a quarter inch, the LDS Church is encouraging men to grow their beards at least a full inch, with longer beards welcome.

To emphasize the new policy, male temple workers are now required to wear full beards, an about-face from the prior prohibition on any facial hair. "To hearken to a well-known Disney standard, we're talking about Seven Dwarves caliber of beards," said Cleverly.

The Proclamation on the Family will be updated to indicate that men should wear beards as part of their eternal gender identity. "In this day and age, we can't pussyfoot around about gender any longer," said Cleverly. "Disney gets it, and so do we."