Church Re-embraces Facial Hair after Disney Bombshell

Sleepy Dwarf: The new standard for Mormon men.

By Christopher Bigelow

SALT LAKE CITY--In the wake of Disney's paradigm-changing decision to allow costumed male cast members to wear facial hair, the LDS Church announced a new policy encouraging Mormon men to wear facial hair.

"In cultural matters, this church has followed Disney since at least the 1940s," said LDS Church spokesman Dan Cleverly. "Walt Disney was a 'dry' 20th-century prophet just as much as C.S. Lewis was, and he understood how the spirit worked and how people should think, behave, and dress to feel in tune and inspired. Times have changed, however."

In this day of gender confusion, noted Cleverly, the church deems it wise for men to reclaim masculine traits, including the beards worn by prophets up until George Albert Smith. Unlike Disney, which limits beard length to a quarter inch, the LDS Church is encouraging men to grow their beards at least a full inch, with longer beards welcome.

To emphasize the new policy, male temple workers are now required to wear full beards, an about-face from the prior prohibition on any facial hair. "To hearken to a well-known Disney standard, we're talking about Seven Dwarves caliber of beards," said Cleverly.

The Proclamation on the Family will be updated to indicate that men should wear beards as part of their eternal gender identity. "In this day and age, we can't pussyfoot around about gender any longer," said Cleverly. "Disney gets it, and so do we."