CLERICAL ERROR INVOLVING JUSTICE, MERCY CAUSES GOD TO CEASE TO BE GOD

Heaven—An apparent clerical error involving justice and mercy has caused God to cease to be God.

“Well, we have some new paralegals, you know, people with only a few centuries of experience” said a source close to He who used to be the God of All Creation. The source continued that “it looks like one of those new paralegals miscalculated the debt incurred by the sins of some mortal clients.” 

The source continued that the same employee seems to have then “failed to properly suspend the account or properly allocate absolution from the Atonement.” This mistake was subsequently compounded when the novice assistant allowed “mercy to cover the liability” which “of course, amounted to a misappropriation on mercy’s part for a debt still demanded by justice.”

Another source close to the case indicated that “simultaneous with this clerical mishandling came the immediate forfeiture of divine authority.”

A third source indicated that “it’s going to take a few millennia to get it all sorted out,” but the source reassured the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that “by then everything should be back to normal.” The source further explained that “previous and future claims duly satisfying both mercy and justice will not be affected by this clerical error.”

When reporters from Zion’s finest news source asked what this will mean in practical terms in the lives of mortal humans, the source clarified that, “as ‘time’ is merely a convenient illusion given to secure agency for mortals, no mortals will actually experience even a ‘temporary’ lack of God.”

MIDDLE-AGED AREA COUPLE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE WITH HYPOCRISY

Is the mask hiding who I really am
or showing who I aspire to be?

Arlington, TX—Area couple in their mid-40s James and Laura Alvarez are finding that they are much more comfortable with hypocrisy than they had been at other points in their lives.

“I know that when I was a teenager,” said Laura, “finding out about a church leader with a Word of Wisdom problem or about a bishop who sometimes cussed was appalling to me.” She continued, “but now, I have to say that it just isn’t a big deal anymore.”

Brother Alvarez echoed his wife’s sentiments, adding that “as a missionary or even in my twenties, I just expected so much of everyone, especially older members.” He recalled how he “seriously questioned the church when I found out that a then current member of the stake High Council confessed to having an affair.”

Both James and Laura were quick to point out that they don’t think that those things are okay. Said Brother Alvarez, “what that church leader did was devastating to his family, his ward, and so many people, but, I don’t know, now I can see that living like you want to live doesn’t just happen automatically when you get to a certain age or have a certain church responsibility.”

Sister Alvarez developed this same point when she said that “well, what I see now is that all of us find it difficult if not impossible to live up to the high standards and ideals that we believe.” She elaborated that “we all see a level of goodness, obedience, or purity we would like to achieve, but we also, especially as we get older, see how much we fall short.”

“Honestly it was really, really discouraging for a long time,” added Brother Alvarez. “It is hard to believe that the Lord would give a commandment without giving you a way to immediately fulfill it, but, sadly, that just seems to be the way people are.”

The Alvarezes reported that their teenage children are still “shocked when some respected member of the church falls so painfully short,” but, they added, “we’re guessing that over time they will also have much less of a problem with hypocrisy.” Concluded Sister Alvarez, “I’m not sure if it is a matter of lowering your standards or just learning some patience.”

LOCAL USER OF PHRASE “FREE AGENCY,” YOUNG EARTH BELIEVER SOMEHOW STILL GOING TO CELESTIAL KINGDOM

Pathetic Approximation of Actual Mansion
God Currently Preparing for Condie

Rigby, ID—Area man Bart Condie, someone who still uses the phrase “free agency” and believes that the earth is around 6,000 years old, is somehow still going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom.

“It’s pretty shocking to lots of people,” reports an angel familiar with the case who asked not to be identified, “since, you know, Brother Condie believes that different races come from God’s multiple wives and that masturbation is very close to murder.” The angel explained that “lots just think that his ideas are so backwards that he’ll just end up in that middle kingdom, but nope!”

The source further explained that Condie’s exaltation into the highest level of glory “is clearly in his future, in spite of the fact that he still questions interracial marriage, believes all women would be happier as stay-at-home moms, voted for Trump, and is firmly convinced that Moses himself wrote the first five books of the Bible.”

At the top of the list of those who would be surprised by the mansion God is currently creating for Condie in the celestial kingdom are his daughter and son-in-law, graduates of [university name redacted] and [graduate school name redacted], both of whom would disagree with Brother Condie on these and many, many other scriptural, theological, and cultural views. When asked about the final spiritual status of Condie’s daughter and son-in-law, the angel mumbled something about tinkling cymbals but then stated flatly: “no comment.”

PROVO OFFICIALS COMPLAIN ABOUT SMOKE FROM MTC 7-9 HOUR WEEKLY CONTROL BURN OF DEAR JOHN LETTERS

Drum for Chemical Weapons/Dear John Letters

Provo, UT—Provo city officials lodged a formal complaint against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints over the church’s weekly 7-9 hour controlled burn of Dear John letters. The complaint cited air quality concerns over the smoke and other contaminants “from thousands of letters, postcards, and packages ending romantic relationships between missionaries and those they have left behind.”

While the church has the necessary permits for the controlled burns, the city would like some of them to be conducted elsewhere. “We understand,” said the complaint, “that these letters often contain photographs and mementos of the terminated relationships, generating hundreds of cubic tons of waste that only weighs down and distracts elders and sisters,” but city officials found that the smoke “was making Utah county look like Salt Lake.” 

One solution that has recently floated around church headquarters, according to inside sources, is that all Dear John letters sent to any of the church’s global MTC facilities as well as individual missionaries would be collected, housed, and finally destroyed, along with other chemical weapons, at the Tooele Chemical Agent Disposal Facility in Tooele, Utah.