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| Pathetic Approximation of Actual Mansion God Currently Preparing for Condie |
Rigby, ID—Area man Bart Condie, someone who still uses the
phrase “free agency” and believes that the earth is around 6,000 years old, is
somehow still going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom.
“It’s pretty shocking to lots of people,” reports an angel
familiar with the case who asked not to be identified, “since, you know, Brother
Condie believes that different races come from God’s multiple wives and that masturbation
is very close to murder.” The angel explained that “lots just think that his ideas are so backwards that he’ll just end up in that middle kingdom, but nope!”
The source further explained that Condie’s exaltation into
the highest level of glory “is clearly in his future, in spite of the fact that
he still questions interracial marriage, believes all women would be happier as
stay-at-home moms, voted for Trump, and is firmly convinced that Moses himself wrote the first five books of the Bible.”
At the top of the list of those who would be surprised by
the mansion God is currently creating for Condie in the celestial kingdom are
his daughter and son-in-law, graduates of [university name redacted] and [graduate
school name redacted], both of whom would disagree with Brother Condie on these
and many, many other scriptural, theological, and cultural views. When asked about the
final spiritual status of Condie’s daughter and son-in-law, the angel mumbled
something about tinkling cymbals but then stated flatly: “no comment.”
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