10 THINGS YOU LIKELY WILL NOT HEAR AT GENERAL CONFERENCE

SUCCESSION CAGE MATCHES? CHURCH DISPELS MYTHS ABOUT NEXT APOSTLES

Salt Lake City, UT—In a surprise and hastily announced press conference, LDS Church spokesperson LaVernal Jorgesen met with the press yesterday to dispel “myths about succession in the church and the naming of apostles.”

“There are no Apostolic Succession Cage Matches,” refuted Jorgesen flatly, “they just don’t happen!” Jorgesen’s comments came in response to descriptions and photographs in LDS PowerSurge, a blog that describes MMA-style fights between candidates for apostle. The blog features a very popular article purportedly showing a training match between Elders Nelson and Oaks. That practice match reportedly shows how Nelson’s “surgical precision” and “maybe wrong, maybe right, but never in doubt” medical confidence led to the 8 round dismantling of Oaks’ “belabored” and “legalistic” fighting style.

Jorgesen denied that such cage matches exist, claiming that the reports and photographs were fakes. The church spokesperson added that while Nelson could probably “rip your heart right out like no Aztec ever did,” he also noted that “everyone can easily discern that his kindly glint would be no match for Oaks’ take-no-prisoners, Eye of the Litigious Tiger.”

Jorgesen also denied that the more senior apostles still called younger members of the quorum, like Elders Bednar and Cook, the “Young Wipersnappers.” Jorgesen added, “and let me be perfectly clear on this: no one has ever called Elder Holland ‘Jowls of Fury!’”

As the press conference closed, Jorgesen added that the downloadable PDF of The Next Apostle Pick-um is not an official church document and should be “removed from the fridges of the faithful immediately.” 

GREAT SCOTT'S SUBMARINE FINALLY REACHES ITS HEAVENLY PORT

IN SPITE OF ALL EXPECTATIONS, MISSIONARY HAPPY

Odd how many missionaries are happy!

Lima, Perú—Elder James Roth, who believed he would “just pretty much suffer through two years as a missionary” has found, against all of his expectations, that he is actually “really, really happy.”

When Roth was called to serve, he told his friends and family back in Lehi, Utah that “honestly I’m just going because it is my duty” and “it does seem like the Lord wants me to go.” Roth believed that spending two years in Perú, learning to speak Spanish, and being so far from the people, television shows, video games, music, and movies that meant so much to him would leave him mostly miserable. In his final talk in church, Roth’s emphasis was on sacrifice and giving up one’s desires for the Lord.

So it has come as a completely unexpected surprise that Roth has found himself “happier than he ever could have imagined” while working as a missionary. As Roth put it, “my first companion was Peruvian, and I just have to say that we didn’t always get along, but I cannot tell you how happy I was when we invited our first investigator to be baptized and she said yes!” Added Roth, “it was so much better than being back home in Utah and going out with friends to see yet another ridiculous superhero movie.”

While Roth has had chances to teach and see people embrace the gospel, he has also had many difficult, painful experiences, experiences that he anticipated but which he thought would cast a predominantly unhappy pallor over his two year service. “Yah,” explained Roth, “there was the time when the a woman we had been teaching had a nervous breakdown or the times we’ve been cussed out or when dinner appointments have fallen through, but I never thought I could be so happy even with so many challenges!”

Roth’s work and response seem to be fairly typical. He has had trouble with the language, with MTC food, with companions, with annoying ward members, with dogs, and with a constant stream of rejection. “I figured I’d deal with those things,” said Roth, “I just didn’t realize how much joy I could find in the midst of all of it.”

As Roth has only a few weeks left in his mission, he has started to ponder the next stages of life. Concluded Roth, “well, if the misery of being a missionary can actually bring joy, maybe it might even be worth it to have kids!” 

IN SPITE OF BEST EFFORTS, LDS SATIRIST CAN’T SEEM TO GET EXCOMMUNICATED

We have seer stones that look like chocolate-caramel candies;
how could you not want to stick around for that!

Toledo, OH—Local satirist and church member Shania Bender, in spite of her best efforts, cannot seem to get excommunicated.

“I would have thought I’d be long gone by now,” said Bender in a recent conversation with Zion’s finest news source. “I mean, I’ve written about gay marriage, women and the priesthood, heck, I’ve even made fun of Provo, Temple Square, City Creek Mall, and Republicans!”

Bender recounted that a few years ago she was asked to speak with a member of her stake presidency. “I thought, you know, back then, ‘okay, this is it!’ But what happened,” explained Bender, “is that we had a nice, open conversation.” Bender went on to say that “by the end I felt like he wanted people like me, people he described as ‘different’ and ‘with a bizarre but clever take on things’ to be in the church!” Bender concluded that, “here I thought I’d be reprimanded and kicked out, but I ended up getting called to teach early morning seminary since, as he put it, ‘I might relate well with the youth and make mornings fun!’”

When asked why she doesn’t just leave the church, Bender clarified that “I used to imagine bringing about a dramatic revolution in the church, being a martyr for a cause, you know, someone who uses words like ‘oppression,’ ‘structural abuse,’ ‘brain-wash,’ ‘whitewashed history,’ and ‘microaggressions’ all of the time and with dark sincerity. What I’ve found,” continued Bender, “is that the church is mostly people doing their best, and I like being with them, and fixing mistakes seems easier from the inside.”

“When I really got down to it,” concluded Bender, “it seems like some people respond to humor, and, well, let’s face it, some things about Mormons and Mormon culture are hilarious!” 

“When a friend once asked me why I stay, I told her it was for the material!”