IN SPITE OF BEST EFFORTS, LDS SATIRIST CAN’T SEEM TO GET EXCOMMUNICATED

We have seer stones that look like chocolate-caramel candies;
how could you not want to stick around for that!

Toledo, OH—Local satirist and church member Shania Bender, in spite of her best efforts, cannot seem to get excommunicated.

“I would have thought I’d be long gone by now,” said Bender in a recent conversation with Zion’s finest news source. “I mean, I’ve written about gay marriage, women and the priesthood, heck, I’ve even made fun of Provo, Temple Square, City Creek Mall, and Republicans!”

Bender recounted that a few years ago she was asked to speak with a member of her stake presidency. “I thought, you know, back then, ‘okay, this is it!’ But what happened,” explained Bender, “is that we had a nice, open conversation.” Bender went on to say that “by the end I felt like he wanted people like me, people he described as ‘different’ and ‘with a bizarre but clever take on things’ to be in the church!” Bender concluded that, “here I thought I’d be reprimanded and kicked out, but I ended up getting called to teach early morning seminary since, as he put it, ‘I might relate well with the youth and make mornings fun!’”

When asked why she doesn’t just leave the church, Bender clarified that “I used to imagine bringing about a dramatic revolution in the church, being a martyr for a cause, you know, someone who uses words like ‘oppression,’ ‘structural abuse,’ ‘brain-wash,’ ‘whitewashed history,’ and ‘microaggressions’ all of the time and with dark sincerity. What I’ve found,” continued Bender, “is that the church is mostly people doing their best, and I like being with them, and fixing mistakes seems easier from the inside.”

“When I really got down to it,” concluded Bender, “it seems like some people respond to humor, and, well, let’s face it, some things about Mormons and Mormon culture are hilarious!” 

“When a friend once asked me why I stay, I told her it was for the material!”