SUCCESSION CAGE MATCHES? CHURCH DISPELS MYTHS ABOUT NEXT APOSTLES

Salt Lake City, UT—In a surprise and hastily announced press conference, LDS Church spokesperson LaVernal Jorgesen met with the press yesterday to dispel “myths about succession in the church and the naming of apostles.”

“There are no Apostolic Succession Cage Matches,” refuted Jorgesen flatly, “they just don’t happen!” Jorgesen’s comments came in response to descriptions and photographs in LDS PowerSurge, a blog that describes MMA-style fights between candidates for apostle. The blog features a very popular article purportedly showing a training match between Elders Nelson and Oaks. That practice match reportedly shows how Nelson’s “surgical precision” and “maybe wrong, maybe right, but never in doubt” medical confidence led to the 8 round dismantling of Oaks’ “belabored” and “legalistic” fighting style.

Jorgesen denied that such cage matches exist, claiming that the reports and photographs were fakes. The church spokesperson added that while Nelson could probably “rip your heart right out like no Aztec ever did,” he also noted that “everyone can easily discern that his kindly glint would be no match for Oaks’ take-no-prisoners, Eye of the Litigious Tiger.”

Jorgesen also denied that the more senior apostles still called younger members of the quorum, like Elders Bednar and Cook, the “Young Wipersnappers.” Jorgesen added, “and let me be perfectly clear on this: no one has ever called Elder Holland ‘Jowls of Fury!’”

As the press conference closed, Jorgesen added that the downloadable PDF of The Next Apostle Pick-um is not an official church document and should be “removed from the fridges of the faithful immediately.”