AREA WOMAN PERFECTS ART OF USING CHURCH TO AVOID GOD

So, who is this prayer really...to...or...for?

Midvale, UT—Area woman Janet Lands has, after years of practice, perfected that art of using her Mormon beliefs and practices to avoid God entirely.

“Well, what we see,” explained a ministering angel familiar with the case “is a woman who has faithfully fulfilled all of her assignments in order to keep herself so busy and frenzied that she can crowd out the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, especially any promptings about her daughter Maggie.”

Others from the world of spirits who did not want to be named confirmed this assessment, adding that “Lands consistently uses her more than weekly evening temple attendance to avoid both her husband and God’s subtle warnings about the turn her marriage is taking.”

Lands’ use of Mormonism to avoid God comes as little surprise to other spirit world observers. Said one, “honestly, it is just a lot easier to keep a lot of rules and claim a lot of beliefs instead of doing the hard work of actually listening to God, you know, of taking those kinds of risks.” The same observer then added, “and when you get praised for one while the other is invisible, then that just compounds it.”

“What we so often see in people like Lands” interjected another unnamed non-mortal source, “is that when the emptiness of their spirituality starts to dawn on them, lots just look for a pill, a diet, an exercise plan, or a brownie instead of looking at this as a challenge to develop a stronger, deeper faith.”

When Lands was recently called to a high visibility church calling, spirit world observers cautioned that “sure, this might get her to humbly yearn for and attend to God, or it might just give her some sort of false confirmation that what she’s doing is A-okay!”