DESERET BOOK ADDS NEW TITLES TO TIMOTHY BALLARD'S HYPOTHESIS SERIES

MOTHER OF LDS BRIDE MISTAKENLY BELIEVES SHE HAS ANY SAY IN MARRIAGE PLANS

The older Sister Harris requested no jumping pictures;
little does she know there will be jumping pictures.

Gilbert, AZ—Area mother Madeleine Harris is currently working under the delusion that she will have any real say in the planning of her daughter’s upcoming wedding.

“Well, I just told her she can’t get married over Christmas, since that’s already such a stressful time,” said the mother who erroneously believes that such input will, in the end, make any difference in her daughter’s decision of when to get married. Sister Harris, whose daughter Rachel is currently “engaged to be engaged,” expressed her displeasure with that ambiguous statement, clarifying to Rachel that she is “either engaged or not engaged!” Rachel listened to her mother, allowing her to believe that the complaint made any difference whatsoever, and then continued to look for a ring, find a wedding date, wait for Eric to formally propose, and generally enjoy this exciting process and time.

For his part Brother Allen Harris entertains fewer notions of his influence in his daughter’s impending nuptials, though he does mistakenly believe that the “40 minute, thoughtful and useful conversation” he had with her about goals, planning for the future, and other discussions about married life she should have with her future husband was actually useful for the young Sister Harris.

Both Brother and Sister Harris look forward with considerable anxiety to their oldest child’s wedding, and while on the surface they believe that their insights, wisdom, and needs should be important, deep down but still unbeknownst to them, they hope their daughter will begin to develop her independence and reliance on her new relationship as she plans her wedding.

When the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer contacted LDS marriage and family expert and mother of 7 married children Cheryl Brown, Doctor Brown said that, “my research indicates that sooner or later every bride gives her mother a look that says, ‘listen, you can show up at this time and this place with a checkbook or not, but this is how this marriage is going down!’” Brown said it is a conflictive, important, memorable, and touching moment.

MAN IN PRIMARY ENJOYS TREMENDOUS, UNMERITED PRAISE

Spring’s go-to class color page

College Park, GA—College Park Ward member Kevin Springs, who teaches the CTR 7 class, enjoys almost overwhelming and mostly unmerited praise for simply being a man and teaching in the Primary.

“I’ve got say,” explained brother Springs, “when I got this calling I was surprised and a little thrown.” Springs elaborated that “once I got around all of the Primary leaders and others, I found out that all I had to do was the minimum and everyone thought I was awesome!”

When asked about his calling, Springs said that “yah, Saturday afternoon I find a few videos to watch during class and then print a Sudoku puzzle or some pages to color for my lesson and I’m done.” He added that “it is all pretty simple and chill, but the Bishopric, Primary President, and most of the parents look at me like I just got back from the beaches at Normandy!”

Unmerited praise for being a man doing something traditionally associated with women is not new for Spring. As he mentioned, “it is just like when I used to take the baby or a couple of kids grocery shopping and people, especially women, just fell all over themselves with admiration.” Spring associated this praise with how Priesthood leaders would encourage men to willingly “babysit” their own children so that the wives could attend Relief Society activities. 

Spring is enjoyed the unearned praise he gets for simply sitting in Sharing and Singing Time with his class, but he knows that, if he and his wife ever divorced, the default would be her getting custody of the children, since kids rarely go to the “babysitter.”  

POINT: JOINING THE CHURCH HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON

Kolob is right there!

By Mark Daniels

I cannot tell you how much better my life is now that I’ve joined the church! Having the missionaries come over and teach me has been an amazing, eye-opening experience. Before they came, I had no idea about Kolob, tannic acid in tea, or how all other baptisms are as useless as running around in the rain. It is essential truths like these that have pointed me in this new direction in my life!

Truth has not been the only exhilarating source of joy for me. Now I have a whole new set of friends, people who seem so happy, so joyfully lifted up above the world and all of its petty cares and sins. I see my pre-church life as so small, so trivial, and so worthless; everything now has an exalted, celestial importance. This of course has caused some friction with people from my past, people still caught up in their worldly ways, but I pray for them that they will eventually come to a knowledge of the truth.

What this change has really brought me is love. I love, for example, how we love children of gay parents enough to not cause them conflicts between home and church. I love how much I value God and God’s creations, and God’s children so much more now. Being a Mormon, I feel like when I serve others, it is because I see their real value in God’s eyes.

Everything is better now that I’m Mormon!

COUNTERPOINT: LEAVING THE CHURCH HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON

This movie is essentially about Mormons!

By Danielle Marks

I cannot tell you how much better my life is now that I’ve left the church! Learning the truth from friends and the Internet has been an amazing, eye-opening experience. Before that, I had no idea about church history controversies, confirmation bias, gaslighting, or how the church is simply a corporate, homophobic, racist, hate group involved in a dark power grab. It is essential truths like these that have pointed me in this new direction in my life!

Truth has not been the only exhilarating source of joy for me. Now I have a whole new set of friends, people who seem so happy, so joyfully lifted up above Mormonism and all its judgmental tendencies and gross neglect. I see my past church life as so small, so trivial, and so worthless; everything now has a deeper, more spiritual importance. This of course has caused some friction with people from my past, people still caught up in their small-minded, naïve ways, but I hope that they will eventually come to see the real truth of things.

What this change has really brought me is love. I love, for example, how I see the abusive ways that Mormons drill into people that they should only have sex inside of covenant relationships, when we all know that real love spreads itself out, especially sexually, among many, many people, and that it only grows by being spread! I love how much I value the Earth and other people so much more now. As an Ex-Mormon, I feel like when I serve others, it is because I see their real value.

Everything is better now that I’m no longer a Mormon!

NEW LDS DATING WEBSITE EXCLUSIVELY FOR FORMER APs, STLs

Salt Lake City, UT—This morning, in a move to meet the “important needs of some of our greatest saints,” the LDS Church announced a new dating website exclusively for former Assistants to the President and Sister Training Leaders.

“These are special Elders and Sisters,” said church spokesman Lavernal Jorgenson, “and ExtraRighteous & EternallyConnected will keep them together and keep them special for time and all eternity.”

Reaction to the website has been almost universally positive, reported Jorgenson. “These former missionaries want to meet others who felt great responsibilities to care for, guide, and lead God’s chosen servants,” explained Jorgenson. He then added, “Oh, and they want to have a partner who is also willing to equate righteousness with one’s calling, so that’s also a bonus.”

Mission presidents had long called for such a website. Brother Eric Taylor, former mission president for the Bakersfield, California mission said that “this will put together young people who have mastered essential leadership skills that are perfect for the church, for families, and for relationships to thrive, skills like self-righteous manipulation, emotional coercion, and the exploitation of the shame and guilt of others.”

Missionaries who never served in these exalted, almost celestial callings are also applauding the Church’s decision. Said Angie Clarkson, who is one of the “just served” missionaries, “I had a first date with a really nice guy, but in the first 15 minutes he managed to work into the conversation that he had been an AP in his mission, and I could see the disappointment in his eyes when I could not say that I had been an STL.” Concluded Clarkson, “I wanted to tell him where he could go with that sort of attitude. Now I know another place he can go with that sort of attitude!”