NEW LDS DATING WEBSITE EXCLUSIVELY FOR FORMER APs, STLs

Salt Lake City, UT—This morning, in a move to meet the “important needs of some of our greatest saints,” the LDS Church announced a new dating website exclusively for former Assistants to the President and Sister Training Leaders.

“These are special Elders and Sisters,” said church spokesman Lavernal Jorgenson, “and ExtraRighteous & EternallyConnected will keep them together and keep them special for time and all eternity.”

Reaction to the website has been almost universally positive, reported Jorgenson. “These former missionaries want to meet others who felt great responsibilities to care for, guide, and lead God’s chosen servants,” explained Jorgenson. He then added, “Oh, and they want to have a partner who is also willing to equate righteousness with one’s calling, so that’s also a bonus.”

Mission presidents had long called for such a website. Brother Eric Taylor, former mission president for the Bakersfield, California mission said that “this will put together young people who have mastered essential leadership skills that are perfect for the church, for families, and for relationships to thrive, skills like self-righteous manipulation, emotional coercion, and the exploitation of the shame and guilt of others.”

Missionaries who never served in these exalted, almost celestial callings are also applauding the Church’s decision. Said Angie Clarkson, who is one of the “just served” missionaries, “I had a first date with a really nice guy, but in the first 15 minutes he managed to work into the conversation that he had been an AP in his mission, and I could see the disappointment in his eyes when I could not say that I had been an STL.” Concluded Clarkson, “I wanted to tell him where he could go with that sort of attitude. Now I know another place he can go with that sort of attitude!”