FRENZIED, COMPETITIVE MOTHERS RELIEVED CHURCH KEEPING SCOUTING

“If that isn’t your little Braedyn,

you’re doing something wrong!” 

Salt Lake City, UT—This week’s announcement that the church would continue its close ties with the Boy Scouts of America program came as a tremendous relief to Zion’s tens of thousands of frenzied and competitive mothers.

“Oh I know I let out a huge sigh of relief,” recounted Jennifer Brandeis. “I will never forget that President Benson promised that if boys like my Ryler would check off all of the right boxes, you know, Eagle Scout, seminary, mission, go to prom with a girl in a modest dress, then his place in the celestial kingdom would be sealed forever and ever!” Brandeis added that “now all I have to do is make sure he does exactly those things no matter what and then I’ll know I’ve been a good mom.”

Brandeis’ relief was echoed by mothers like Janet Young who explained that “not only does the Scouting program provide instruction and character-building activities, but rank advancements and merit badges give me a way to measure my son’s growth and value and also to see how well I’m doing as a mother.” Young went on to explain that “without scouting it could be impossible to know what moms to look out for, you know, because they are doing so much, and what moms are really dropping the ball when it comes to raising righteous sons and future stake presidents in Zion!”

In addition to providing sons and mothers with a clear measuring stick for growth and value, Scouting, according to mothers like Anne Parks, “gives my sons Stevyn, Wesley, and Kredence the surest guard against the evils of our day like exposure to pornography and experimentation with, um, you know, inappropriate things and activities.” 

CHURCH ANNOUNCES NEW PASS-ALONG CARDS FOR COLORADO, OREGON, WASHINGTON, WASHINGTON DC

Alternative pass-along cards for North and South Carolina:

CHURCH POLICY THAT I’M SURE WILL EVENTUALLY CHANGE: THEFT

Commentary by Daniel Perkins

We live in an exciting time in the church. The scriptures promise that the Lord will give us “liberally,” and let me tell you that that is just about to happen. Just like God lifted the ban on Black men in the priesthood, I’m sure he just about to lift the ban on women in the priesthood, gay marriage, and on enjoying whatever you define as love with whoever or whatever you want! Everyone knows that these policy changes are right around the corner, but one that not everyone is seeing is the restoration of communal ownership and the revocation of the former commandment “Thou shalt not steal.”

First, a little history lesson. God gave the commandment to not steal only because Israel was not ready for the higher principle of communal ownership. People back then were too greedy and selfish, so God wanted to keep the peace. That is why he gave the commandment. In fact, the Hebrew word “Schwindl” is more about deception than taking from someone what you think should be yours too.

Modern revelation, for those with eyes to see and ears to hear, tells us that the day will come when “theft” as we call it now will not be a sin. Inspired poetic prophets, modern day Isaiahs, have, for years now, begged us to imagine a world with no possessions, but they so often wonder aloud if we can. This blessed restoration will usher in a world with neither greed nor hunger, a true human siblinghood! Some might hold, falsely, that such claims are fantasy, even dreams, but it will surely be a great day when I can share my neighbor’s food, car, house, television, wife, daughter, cat, and healthcare without having to break my back, slave away at school, make sacrifices, form exclusive relationships, or follow some narrow, old-law, demanding set of rules and restrictions set by teachers or employers. On that day everyone will speak in the name of the Lord, saying what the Lord inspired that person to say.

How do I know this? I have, like Moses, traveled to the mountain with my forward-thinking, enlightened friends, and there we have seen how God intends us to use all of nature’s gifts and plants so that young men can dream dreams and see visions. I hope one day you will join us, and then you’ll know the true, ancient, inspiration symbol: the burning bush.

UNEXPECTED RAISINS IN SALAD CAUSE EXMO TO RENOUNCE OLIVE GARDEN

Popular Anti-Olive Garden YouTube Video

American Fork, UT—In a move that he announced on Facebook, Gene Dyer let his family, friends, and acquaintances know that he is “no longer attending, patronizing, or affiliated with Olive Garden.” Making it clear that his decision “has not come quickly,” Dyer explained that after years of enjoying the “all-you-can eat soups and those tangy summer pastas,” he had “discovered deeply disturbing culinary errors.” Dyer went on to explain that he was “shocked to find out that what he had relied upon to be crunchy and fresh every time” was destroyed when he found “those four or five unexpected raisins in his all-you-can eat house salad.”

Dyer, who also happens to have recently left the Mormon Church, went on to clarify that he wasn’t renouncing the popular Italian chain “because he was offended” or because “he wanted to go off on some wild Republican and NRA-fueled meat orgy at Texas Roadhouse.” Instead he insisted that he had only sought what is truthful and lovely in every meal, but that finding “ugly, shriveled raisins where one expects lettuce, parmesan cheese, and maybe an onion” had led him first to question, then doubt, then “bravely move on” from a restaurant that had been his emotional and culinary home for his entire life.

Over 150 people responded to Dyer’s Facebook announcement. Some expressed shock and bewilderment. Others expressed support, adding their experiences with “squishy gnocchi,” “tilapia and shrimp that had clearly at one time been frozen,” as well as the shock and disillusionment of finding “three completely different preparations of the Citrus Chicken Sorrento at different yet supposedly participating restaurants.” In a similar vein were comments that featured YouTube videos of “Olive Garden Exposed,” “Top 10 Olive Garden Problems Explained!,” and “The Real Truth about Fake Italian.” Dyer himself mentioned how internet research had helped him see the truth about Olive Garden.

Other people responded differently to Dyer’s announcement. Some talked about warm, loving family trips to Olive Garden that Dyer would now be missing. Others tried to counter comments and videos with personal experiences, with accounts of people finding joy and satisfaction while dining and even working at the popular eatery, and with information to refute anti-Olive Garden claims, information taken from websites like FairGarden. 

Dyer mentioned that “at one time it all fit together, the breadsticks and pasta, the chicken, the beef, and the tiramisu,” but that all started to crumble “with those shocking raisins right there in the salad, and now the more that I look, the more I find it is all at best a quaint but deluded place if not a terrible dining fabrication.” This sense that Olive Garden must be complete, whole, and perfect, with no mistakes, flawless presentation and service, or be the restaurant that is “true and living” seems to have prevented Dyer from just forking the raisins out of the salad and enjoying his meal.

FRESH FELINE FURY: MINNESOTA DENTIST HUNTS, KILLS PRES. MONSON’S CAT

Completely real, unphotoshopped picture of hunters with cat, really

Salt Lake City, UT—In a move sure to spark renewed outrage, Walter Palmer, the same Minnesota dentist who recently killed the famous lion Cecil has, over the weekend, hunted and killed President Monson’s cat.

The prophet’s cat, whose full name is Mahonri-Moriancum-Puurrrrr, but who is also called the Cousin of Cecil or just Whiskers, was apparently lured away from its Salt Lake home to City Creek Mall, where it was dazzled by high end shopping and fabulous dining options, only to be shot first by a crossbow and then by a high-powered shotgun, assault rifle, and two fully automatic pistols.

Investigators, in piecing together the cat’s death, noted that the perpetrator “took the tour of Temple Square” and then went with “hired guides” in search of his latest highly-prized feline trophy. Investigators noted the dark twist in the fact that all three hunters initially met at the Lion House.

While he has not yet met with reporters to talk about the loss, President Monson posted this on his Twitter account: “Feline Friends R Lost; Hearts R Gritty Clumps of Sorrow in What Sometimes Feels like the Litter Box of Life.”